Post Nuclear Fire

[Seeders]

Woe so woe is us
how glorious
In the desert of
the angels
Woe where kingdoms once
could scratch the sky
In the old times when
we were blind

(first stanza is about a leveled los angeles)


Woe people now meet
eye to eye and
kill for what once the
kids would buy
Woe and after all
the dead persist
their bodies stain my
conciousness

(second stanza is about the chaos that would ensue. how once cheap things are now worth killing for (soda, candy)).


Woe my god my god
what have we done?
We killed our mother
And our sons
Woe my hands are red
My mind is spent
Is this my blood should
I repent?

(third stanza is about the main character. he realizes in a panic what has happened, he knows he has killed, he doesn't know if he's dying)

[DeadReligion]

It's like "Los Angeles Is Burning." Only...y'know, not as good. First, some punctuation wouldn't kill you, would it? Type like a writer.

Woe so woe is us
^ This is more cliche then....Goddamn this is just cliche. Also, you say woe like..5 times in one stanza.

" In the desert of
the angels" Make this more interesting, because what follows: " Woe where kingdoms once
could scratch the sky
In the old times when
we were blind" is very good.

Woe people now meet
eye to eye and
kill for what once the
kids would buy
^ STOP SAYING WOE GODDAMNIT! Lol. Good idea, boring execution.

The rest could use some imagery.

[Seeders]

awesome feedback, i wasn't sure about the overuse of woe, i thought it might add a much more doomsday feel but i think you're right.

[Surtr]

Truth.

Just lay back on trying so hard. Let it flow. Natural.

It reminds me of something I would have written before I realized this. It's got swift potential, but it's coming across slightly mumbled and forced.

You've gotta' re-write it, and write it like it's not 3Am. Write it like it's 1Pm and you've got ALL your feelings into it.

Seriously though, it's got potential with some fix ups.