An Angel's Dirty Palms (part 1)

[Minus The Flair]

Both palms pressed up against an airport toilet wall
Staringly vacantly into a dirty white heaven
Beneath the surface of a cracked urinal
I've found some forgotten hope

Havn't had a fix of this for months and months
Had to quit for a quitting heart
But it helped me rise out of the crowded slums
And into safe brick houses

But its been so long since its scent kissed my lungs
I cant remember why I stopped breathing
Angel's serpent pulling out my marble tongue
Can't resist
No sweeter taste than this.

[TheBigMachine]

Hmmm. I have mixed feelings about this. It's obvious that your rusty though. To me it felt like too much of a re-telling of events in the first stanza; it was pretty much like ok so i was in a toilet and I found some hope. It's like, that the imagery is mundane and the writing is blunt; but then, in a way, it suits the length of the poem.

The next stanza shows more of your old style coming back, especially in line two, a nice play on words. However, here, the lines differ so much in length that it makes the stanza feel hackneyed and choppy. Also, the last two lines have got that mundane feel to them as well.

But then you show that you can well do great writing. It's a cool stanza, much more interesting imagery wise and structually. The only thing that killed it was the last two lines.

I think it's a pretty good comeback piece, i know it's been at least a year since I last critted your work. So yeah, pretty good considering how long you've been out of action. Nice stuff.