new song, rep for those who give good crits

[wammy_bar]

what we desire we cannot achieve
nothing else to do but believe
that if time heals all it will heal the heart
before its done nothing but tear it apart

the feel of fresh wind on my face brings new hope
this used as refreshment, a good way to cope
but masking the problem is no way to go
this only brings sorrow that continues to grow

as each day goes by
i can only rely
on what lies past the sky
only then ill know why

yeah i wrote it right before i went to bed once, it might not be good, but i think it at least draws thought from people, so its okay with me. tell me whatcha think of it. btw i might add more between the 2nd and 3rd stanzas but im not sure.

[trippedhimself]

Yah i defintiely lieked where you were goin with this one. The last stanza in my opinion could use a lot of work. it sounded so contrived and ended a good poem on a bad note. good rhyme scheme
the imagery in the second stanza. it was a good read

[wammy_bar]

as promised, rep. i think i should take out the last stanza and just keep the poem going, for now i need to write a melody for it and an acoustic part.

[wammy_bar]

any more?

[wammy_bar]

im just gonna keep bumping till i get another response

[Surf]

Very annoying when people do that.

So here's a crit so you'll let it die.

The thrid verse should judt be dropped. It doesn't really fir and feels only half finished. Finish it, or drop it.

The rhyming. The metre of the lines is the only thing that keeps this somewhat legitimate. The scheme is dull and the word choice obvious. Try looking at not rhyming, but rhyme within lines, or across verses. Check out the guide for advice on this, or Pixies wrote a good guide on it a while back if you want to search.

The content is pretty obvious. Its very cliche in that I've heard it all before and you don't really do anything new/interesting with the ideas, but its a generic rock song sounding thing, so I'll probably let it slip.

The best advice you'll get is from the s&l writing guide. After reading that, keep applying what it says to your writing. As you keep writing, you should see yourself using new and interesting ideas. Just keep at it.

[wammy_bar]

k cool, now this thread can die

[Seeders]

I thought I'd drop a line or two for you.

The last line in the first stanza would be better, imo, if it were "After its done nothing.." I mean, if time heals all, then it wouldn't heal it BEFORE tearing it apart. I dont really see what you're trying to say by using "before".

I dont like the rhyme scheme in the second stanza. The 2nd and 4th lines seem very contrived. I kind of like the last stanza, minus the last line. I like the line "what lies past the sky".