Waiting On Sunday

[trippedhimself]

wrote a song. thought id share with you guys:)

Waiting on Sunday
I've been waiting on sunday, so I can tell the one I love to goto hell
I've been waiting on sunday, so i can sit inside the church all by myself
I've been waiting on sunday, so i cleanse myself of all my many sins
I've been waiting on sunday, sunday doesn't come until the end

Pass the plate
around, around
they'll get their money anyway
around, around

I've been waiting on sunday, handcuffed to a book for all these years
I've been waiting on sunday, millions on their knees full of fear
I've been waiting on sunday all week.

what do you guys think? i'm open to anything

[Surf]

Well you open 2/3 lines with a line that only really need repeating perhaps three times. If you put it at the end of the verses, it would be much more effective.

The rest of the verses on the other hand aren't great. You've taken obvious images/metaphors and come away seeming very childish. The anti religious message you're trying to use is blunt and over the top, to the extent where it starts undermining the whole song. It seems very generic.

Apart from the third line, the second verse is the most interesting.

Overall, pretty bad, but not too bad a first attempt. Try checking out the s&l writing guide for advice on things like metaphor and imagery; things that'll make your writing alot more interesting.