The Mourning

[sexymuffin]

The Mourning

The morning came
With light that danced off the maple.
Images of the grave scene
Were captured by the sunrise,
With the clouds as a shutter.
The windows were lenses
To brighten the mood,
But the room would be brightened with company soon.

The mourning came.
Lines of black cars lined the block
With the hearse out front,
Ready for delivery.
Polished wood was
The living room’s new center piece.
The dress code was black
To darken the mood,
But the room would be brightened with company soon.

The laughter came
With the greeting of friends.
They hand-shook and hugged
In a celebratory manner;
None could frown today.
The occasion passed
Like summers do,
And the room was emptied of company soon.




something i wrote for creative writing

comments or whatevs idk

[TojesDolan]

lol

[Surf]

Ugh I had a crit for this a few days ago but mx screwed up and I lost it. So here it is again.

The morning came
With light that danced off the maple.
Images of the grave scene
Were captured by the sunrise,
With the clouds as a shutter.
The windows were lenses
To brighten the mood,
But the room would be brightened with company soon.

Sometimes the syntax gets too wound up and the lines lose some of their flow. For example, in the third line, 'images of a grave scene'; a grave scene seems too simplistic for what you're going for. To me, scene implies an act, a masquerade, so by calling it a 'grave scene', you seem to remove some of the emotion/empathy that you wish to attach to the situation. Second to last line, the repitition doesn't work. Think of a different way to say 'brightened': you're going to use/evolve it through out the piece, so keep it in the one context (the last line) so as not to confuse the idea. Finally, it seems the fourth and fifth lines would be better switched: the sentence structure would work better for what you're going for.

The mourning came.
Lines of black cars lined the block
With the hearse out front,
Ready for delivery.
Polished wood was
The living room’s new center piece.
The dress code was black
To darken the mood,
But the room would be brightened with company soon.

The second line is too blunt. You should give the reader more credit. Give them an image/description instead of just a hearse. Hearse is boring and obvious; a good metaphor would work well to describe it. You use black twice, and again too obvious. Its a funeral; of course everything is black. Keep the reader engaged by not boring them with things that would be obvious. This whole verse reminded me of Heaney's Mid Term Break, mayeb have a look for that for some inspiration or something.

The laughter came
With the greeting of friends.
They hand-shook and hugged
In a celebratory manner;
None could frown today.
The occasion passed
Like summers do,
And the room was emptied of company soon.

Good ending. The only issue I had wa the final line, where the tenses are just messed up.
'was emptied' = past
'soon' = future
You could just cut it off at company, or, if you wanted to keep the final word continual, think of a way to get around the tense issue: maybe end it on a note of the future, rather than looking to the past yadda yadda yadda.

So overall it was good. There's some issues with tense and syntax, and in the second stanza, some blandness, but these are things you should be able to overcome with a bit of editing.