PDA

View Full Version : untitled


samariah
03-17-2007, 01:11 PM
Tonight, I dismantled the soft blanket
Crowning my shoulders and stroking my head.
I left it lie to rest before the fire place,
To hold the children and servants in starchy slumber…

Then I melted into glass, and sliced into Winter.

Outside,
Crystal drops were floating in the forest pool.
Without my rope, I floated farther and farther outward,
Not yearning to find a heart beating in the frosted trees,
But to lose my breath to unconscious intricacy.

For a moment my thought slipped back to the cottage
The fire’s swell holding the sleepers in its glow,
Little cherubs intoxicated by the mead of slumber.
Then I swam further, in the cold clarity of my neutral fast.

Breathing in the snow swollen air, I left the flakes be.
I left the meek, the creaking trees fall under their blankets.
I allowed the ice to layer and coat all that it would.
I let the fire leave my nest, and the quiet snow settled in.

PsychoTronn
03-17-2007, 03:03 PM
awesome :D



why arnt you on aim are u still even on mx? :confused:

what's with your avatar is it that time of the month? :(


talk to u later :smoke:

samariah
03-17-2007, 05:03 PM
lmao

Montana
03-17-2007, 05:59 PM
Good work. It seems very fluid and focused. Only thing I don't like is "starchy slumber" or maybe just the word "starchy." I don't know.

Surf
03-19-2007, 12:53 PM
This, for the most part, is quite good. The only major problem I had and one that seemed to crop up a few times, was the syntax.

The sentence structure in places began to trip over itself.

I left it lie in sleep before the fire place

the first half of the line seems contrived and works against the soft and delicate feeling you seem to be trying to elicit. Make the meter softer; harsh syntax would detract from the sense of intocation you're trying to create. Make sure your structure and verse matches the content, other wise you can fall on the first hurdle.

If you really want to create a soft approach, look into Imabic Pentamter or Heroic verse in general. Seems to be the feelings you're after.

samariah
04-05-2007, 10:52 PM
any more specific criticisms for this?

TojesDolan
04-06-2007, 03:16 AM
was it so hard to write something decent?

samariah
04-06-2007, 11:35 PM
it took me 6 months to write this :(