Caesura

[Surf]

I drag my self to the street
The path is cold after winter’s last snow.
Walking, like a half-crown sinks,
To the confessional, where I spend my soul.
These dulled blue eyes
and broken poetry:
All I have to offer
left holed in my face
Or hallowed on the floor

The paper nostalgic on the wood
Scratched by the pen.
I wrote only of my wife
Until I signed her divorce

Of the books in my room,
the Bible is the most worn.
Its annotations complex
and misunderstanding.
So I sit in this booth
until my throat is bare;
I talk softly to the priest,
And confessions break against the wood knots.
The words wash away with the rain’s applause.
And I feel cleaner.

My Faith.
My halo
Like a moebius strip
Scratches my eyes
And hair. It floats
So I take it off
And go mad
From staring at atoms all day

--------------------------------------------------------------

Edit and bump.

[samariah]

I think this is well written in that upon the first time reading it I pretty much understand it. It's not that it's too simple, but the image is lucid and specific. It flows quite well and nothing really sticks out sorely, at least in the first three stanzas.

One part I am not too sure about is the very end when you say: and go mad from staring at atoms all day. It seems too abrupt, obvious and expected. Otherwise, I enjoyed it. :)

[Surf]

The whole thing's about finding consolation in faith. Seeing as the narrator (or me) isn't really a christian, or at least an orthadox one ("annotations...") then the halo, the symbol of christianity, doesn't fit, it scratches; so I take it off, try living without any faith, but I need the concolation. I go mad from staring at atoms reflects my using of faith as a coping mechanism: if I place faith in a higher religious and omnescient power, then blame is taken from me and I can deal with life without focusing on every small detail and its consequences (atoms).

But thanks, I'll get you a crit.

[TojesDolan]

bump

[Eliminator]

good stuff

[i am the robots]

Ooh, very nice.

[bowl of oranges]

I really enjoyed this piece. It seems very well thoughtout and constructed.

The only part i'm not sure on is this:-

Its annotations complex
and misunderstanding.

Shouldn't it be misunderstood? I kind of have the feeling that it's that way on purpose though as i don't think you'd let something like that slip.

Overall though there is not much to fault and as i said i really enjoyed reading through this. I hope something i've written is useful in some way.

[Surf]

Misunderstanding in the present sense, as though my crisis in faith is continuing/perpetuating, convinving myself of religion with desparate attempts at annotations and understanding, trying to find something of sense in it all. Also helps to personify the misunderstandings themselves, make them seem more human.

Bump with a slight edit. Rep and thanks to peoples.

[TheBigMachine]

dot peace out surf

[liz123]

That's a really interesting topic you've written, I enjoyed reading it and it flows very well.

Just a quick question... Is that how you really feel, do you ever seem to begin to write something different from what you are feeling but write it anyway just because you could be feeling that way?

[FA]

The whole thing's about finding consolation in faith. Seeing as the narrator (or me) isn't really a christian, or at least an orthadox one ("annotations...") then the halo, the symbol of christianity, doesn't fit, it scratches; so I take it off, try living without any faith, but I need the concolation. I go mad from staring at atoms reflects my using of faith as a coping mechanism: if I place faith in a higher religious and omnescient power, then blame is taken from me and I can deal with life without focusing on every small detail and its consequences (atoms).

But thanks, I'll get you a crit.

I love your obession with faith...I'm the same way, but I don't usually dedicate whole pieces to it, or I don't post them here..I'll try to get a decent crit sometime...which probably means never...but the incentive is there..lol

[TojesDolan]

The title reels me in...

I drag my self to the street
The path is cold after winter’s last snow.
Walking, like a half-crown sinks,
To the confessional, where I spend my soul.**
These dulled blue eyes
and broken poetry:**
All I have to offer
left holed in my face**
Or hallowed on the floor

Works as a whole but there are certain read-through holes here or there, I marked them with an asterisk. They ca be read and it works as is, but really it kind of leaves you wondering how it goes from A to C like that... you know what I mean? The theme is nice, though. The setting is alright, and it's pretty neutral... but since I read this before hand it leads well towards the next scene...

The paper nostalgic on the wood
Scratched by the pen.
I wrote only of my wife
Until I signed her divorce

And this scene. Amazing image but again slightly disconnected by the end, as if it were a random memory on the character. Not bad at all, just worth pointing out though.


Of the books in my room,
the Bible is the most worn.
Its annotations complex
and misunderstanding.
So I sit in this booth
until my throat is bare;
I talk softly to the priest,
And confessions break against the wood knots.
The words wash away with the rain’s applause.
And I feel cleaner.
First too lines... i'm skeptical. They are good, they are fitting to the piece, but it's just not put well together, needs some fixing to make it more...swift, maybe? I'm not sure. The last lines are really gorgeous, I like the confession thingie, but the last line could be a very, very strong one-liner if you ask me.


My Faith.
My halo
Like a mobius strip
Scratches my eyes
And hair. It floats
So I take it off
And go mad
From staring at atoms all day

Nice twist. I like it. But isn't it moebius? I'm not sure. The overall piece is not really complex per se, but even by being simplistic it isn't dull. au contraire, it's pretty intricate and story driven. The character though seems a bit confused because I think you are speaking of a man of science, but he doesn't really seem... outraged with the thought of the need of religion, but he seems rather calm... I think a man of science would be a bit more uptight and reliant to go to these... stupid thought of god and what not... otherwise it's short, fitting. Nice.

[Surf]

This isn't really a bump/plea for crits, I'm just answering some questions and stuff.

That's a really interesting topic you've written, I enjoyed reading it and it flows very well.

Just a quick question... Is that how you really feel, do you ever seem to begin to write something different from what you are feeling but write it anyway just because you could be feeling that way?

Bit of both. The relationship/story part isn't so much me, but rather the religious bit, most explicitly the last verse. I'm constantly considering religious and thumbing over it in my mind. Sometimes I end up using it like a coping mechanism, others I have a need for faith in something, anything. But I just can't accept religion. Ugh. I like to impose my ideas on characters. Express them through some other means than my own, as I don't have as interesting a life as those that I can dream up.

And in terms of the last part; my writing varies. sometimes its exactly how I feel, like here, and sometimes its just a concept or idea that I really like. If an idea can hold my interest for long enough then it'll get written about.

I love your obession with faith...I'm the same way, but I don't usually dedicate whole pieces to it, or I don't post them here..I'll try to get a decent crit sometime...which probably means never...but the incentive is there..lol

Writing seems to help me express what I'm thinking. It seems easier for me to have my faith staring back at me ,through the paper, than it is to have abstract concepts floating around my mind.

Writing becomes a coping mechanism for what could already be a coping mechanism.

:( I think too much...


Nice twist. I like it. But isn't it moebius?

Yes. dammit. I missed that. Thanks for the crit man, much helpful.
/edits.

[shugzz]

Just going to leave you a quickie

Liked the simile in the very last part, and metaphor in the last part. It feels a bit skimpy in the beginning but it's probably because I'm tired.