Between the Brothel and the Lake

[factor46]

Suburbanizing yellow streets, and clouds, and take it in when they call you back. Halt. Nobody needs you here. Rain or sunshine or even wizardry wont cure this polluted imperfection we call a dwelling place. Imperfection; but it all seems so good to me. "Good" doesn’t cut it anymore. This town is too big for the two of us; may the most unfortunate man win. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was me.



I feel like I don't even know how to write anymore.
I haven't done it in so long. Or been on this site.
Help me out guys. If there are any of you still on here.
:thumb:

[factor46]

bump

[DeadReligion]

Welcome back Factoid. Besides the house being imperfect is there a point to this? If there is, you should flesh it out more. If there isn't, the only thing that annoys me is the paragraph form. But that's just personal preference. From "This town" to the end of the piece I thought was not up to par with the rest of it, but still not bad, could use tweaking though.

[i am the robots]

BETWEEN THE BROTHEL AND ME LOL

that would be a sick prog/tech/grind band rite?!

[TojesDolan]

factlol

anyway, I like the piece, it has a nice idea between the lines. Nonetheless there are little sections tyhat don't really belong with each other, as in the idea conveyed isn't really into one train of thought. Or like... some parts are really simple and undescriptive and there are others that, through a word or two, just make the whole line worth it.

Rain or sunshine or even wizardry wont cure this polluted imperfection we call a dwelling place.

Very cute image here for instance, bu there's something about polluted imperfection that just doesn't really fit into the idea, not so much for what it's supposed to mean, but more about how you put it, it kind of breaks the flow slightly.

"Good" doesn’t cut it anymore.

ergh a bit... too common place. Could use more shabootie

if cha kno what i mean son

But overall some sections aren' really fitting within the context you're putting them in, and even if it were done on purpose, it feels a bit awkward and out of place. yeh

[factor46]

thanks guys. you can tell i havent written in a long time haha.

:naughty:
shabootie.

[TojesDolan]

FOR R3AL boyz

[Violent_Bill]

I don't really like it, it doesn't go anywhere and I don't feel a need to try and analyse it as it seems hollow. Read your first sentence and tell me that makes any sense. Sorry, its not badly written in a technical sense for the most part, but I didn't feel anything from reading it.

[factor46]

sometimes it only makes sense to the writer himself.

thanks for the comments.

[Violent_Bill]

Sorry if that was particularly harsh by the way, I 'm just tired. I generally enjoy your work.