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[MaCkCiTy]

Here's amongst the newest stuff I've written, just got to come up with a second verse (which always screws me). But yeah, anythoughts?

Verse 1
Why did you tell me
what I thought was sure
was just naivety.
The nature of the beast
is trying to make me choke
All I don't want to know
is all I get to see
Why can't it be true
what you'd have me believe

Chorus
Now I cant find
my way home
From now on
I'll stand all by myself
there has got to be a way
to get back to that place
that I called home.

post chorus
Love and peace
is what you you tell me
All I see
is walking contradiction
All I see
is blind eyed blasphemy
All I see
is theres no way back home

[DeadReligion]

Throw out the post-chorus. Seriously. In fact, the only good part of this poem/song is the first five lines. Take those and rebuild.

[MaCkCiTy]

Start to get too literal you think? I dig that line "All I see, is blind eyed blasphemy". I had to google song lyrics thinking I stole the second part of the line...

[Violent_Bill]

Okay, this quite clearly a religon is bad song. That can be all well and good but its a very overdone topic and this song is written in a very overdone way. I would suggest rewritting and taking one of two paths:

1. Maintain a clear anti-religon message but also add actual examples of why religon (presumably Christianity) is bad. Try to think of some interesting ones that haven't been done a bunch and think hard of the exact words you use to say them, don't just blurt it all out.

or

2. Make your message less immediatly apparent through the use of metaphor. e.g. Perhaps create a similar situation with imaginary characters that relates to your situation with religon. Keep in mind their situation does not need to have anything directly to do with religon if you can find an interesting way to make the parralels apparent.

I hope this has helped, if so would you mind having a look at my piece on the front page?

[MaCkCiTy]

Cheers Bill. Actually it's not about religion, although I can see how it could easily be taken that way with. Thats a good point, I don't have to make it so 1st person, maybe draw it to a more 3rd party thing...

It's actually more anti-propaganda. From growing up and realizing how much I'd been fed whether it be govornment or just people in general. Which kind of ruined the feeling of home for me. That place that was home when I was a kid is now more a place now where I keep my stuff and sleep.

*goes checks your thread.