The night that was longer than day

[soleiletlune]

Heyyy! can i get some feedback on this? i haven't written in a long time, so let me know whats up :)

we stand in a room
I am so ready
she's lit by a moon that's been
hard to hold steady
with hands open wide
trying to hold on to a star
streetlights turn on
showing the snow thats been
falling since dawn
white paints the world
from the sky to the ground
and nothing could spare us the sight

speed up the time
watch as the sun makes a
new day in rising with faces to sky
strange as it is
im not gonna leave you
and just let this sun fade away
into the night

Silence is what
makes the scene perfectly
hard to imagine
when all i can see is a
big blinding light
pasted and cut into sky
brace for the end
act like there's something
to fight for again
there's nothing but rubble
and flame induced trees
as fire licks the black of the night

speed up the time
watch as the sun makes a
new day in rising with faces to sky
strange as it is
im not gonna leave you
and just let this sun fade away

stare at the moon
i'm not to busy to
watch as it floats into sky and beyond
Stare at the sun
it's all that i have
since the night that was longer than days
won't go to sleep

[TheMisterBungle]

I can see this working out.
For The Blue Room?

[DeadReligion]

It's too prosey. Also, what is the point of the poem/song? You have a few good images here, but don't flesh out any sort of plot, or overall objective/point of the piece.

there's nothing but rubble
and flame induced trees
^ Good description here.


as fire licks the black of the night
^ Take out that last 'the.'

Can you crit my "Paper Bottle."

[TojesDolan]

Too many sky resemblances, and it really fails me when it comes to "wow, I really like the similes". Also, you didn't really write something I was unaware of, or that Brand New hadn't written, under different circumstances, in say "sic transit gloria". Nonetheless, I liked the different situation this is in, mostly because I like cold imagery, like snow and what not.

On the least bright side, I dislike the way you take on the situation... pace-wise. It goes really slow, and pretty much doesn't lead to an interesting place. Otherwise, good effort. Just... work on pace, more vivid and interesting imagery. And probably a bit better word choice, yours is slightly common place.