untitled (Don't believe a martyr)

[Snak3]

I have not written anything for a long time, but I just felt like writing and this did not seem as bad as other things I wrote. "Don't believe a martyr" is just my working title.

Don't believe a martyr

I'm becoming into everything I once believed to have despised
Morphing into that being whom shades himself with every lie
I was foolish to believe that I could smile without a cuase
And yet I'm reminded of your nature by many many scars

Can you feel deep inside all the damage that you have caused?
Can you relate to the sorrow left within by broken hearts?
Questions embrace us both; the inquiry of our existence
Embellish or adorn my soul, it won't make any difference

Every moment that goes by I'm more vulnerable to your subtle dagger
Unveiling the nature of my soul, slowly burning this deisre
You're radiating satisfaction with the murder of my old self
Slowly ripping him apart, killing him, straying him into the darkness.

You can only harm the flesh and destroy the body
But you will never take its essence, its meant to endure forever
Slit my wrist or cut my throat, either way you will find a hero
In the end you will be alone, you will be another believer

And in my last moments you will hear the wind cry your name
Softly whispering into your ear: : "Don't believe a martyr"


*comments would be appreciated*

[piratevampire36]

The first two lines seem a little on the cliche side and do you really need to repeat many twice?
I like the second verse or whatever it's called.It's good
I think you should rhyme more.
The ending is pretty anti-climactic, but at the same time it's good cause you do a good job of not making it so over used.

[Snak3]

thnx for the comment
I appreciate it

[Snak3]

any one esle??
bump

[Snak3]

bumpalicious ^_^

[Converge]

this did not seem as bad as other things I wrote.

I beg to differ, way too many stereotypical *hates to use this word* "emo" or "scene" cliches in here. To be honest, I think using martyr in general is lame because of the massive amount of times its used.

I'm becoming into everything I once believed to have despised
Morphing into that being whom shades himself with every lie
I was foolish to believe that I could smile without a cuase
And yet I'm reminded of your nature by many many scars

Cause or curse?, just say many scars, many many sounds kind of lame. I don't like that, cutting is cliche to write about.

Can you feel deep inside all the damage that you have caused?
Can you relate to the sorrow left within by broken hearts?
Questions embrace us both; the inquiry of our existence
Embellish or adorn my soul, it won't make any difference

Just, boring and typical.

Every moment that goes by I'm more vulnerable to your subtle dagger
Unveiling the nature of my soul, slowly burning this deisre
You're radiating satisfaction with the murder of my old self
Slowly ripping him apart, killing him, straying him into the darkness.

Nothing to say here that I didn't already say above.

You can only harm the flesh and destroy the body
But you will never take its essence, its meant to endure forever
Slit my wrist or cut my throat, either way you will find a hero
In the end you will be alone, you will be another believer

Slit my wrists or cut my throat? Cmonn!

And in my last moments you will hear the wind cry your name
Softly whispering into your ear: : "Don't believe a martyr"

Isn't a martyr someone who dies for a belief? All I get here is you're an angsty teenager.

I think from reading this piece, you have potential but you're too busy trying to write like hawthorne heights. I didn't like it.