Flight From The Temple

[Surtr]

The song that comes after my previous set of lyrics titled "The Guardian". This pretty rough, as I've yet to properly go through it, but I'd like an opinion.




[Verse I]

Run with haste my friend,
For tonight has come much to fast,
We weren’t prepared for this strike,
They have come for us at last,

Draw not your arms tonight,
Dare not to even look back,
We leave this place tonight,
With it’s walls burnt to black,

With the carts loaded full,
We set off into the desert,
Behind our trail we will leave,
Only but a path of dirt,

Years of work built into this,
Too receive nothing but hate,
Should any man ever reveal this truth,
If his enemies don’t, we will make him late,


[Chorus]

We grew much too fast,
For us to ever stand long,
Now we must run, hide,
For doing nothing wrong,

But when the time comes,
Not in this life, but in another,
We will show them the truth,
And in the truth they will smother,


[Verse II]

By the break of dawn come,
We have reached our destination,
Here we will rest now,
In this place of salvation,

By start of the night,
We will continue again,
As far away as we can,
Rest will come, Not now, But when,

We must get this secret,
To our homes of old,
Away from this endless heat,
And back into our land’s cold,

And years, they will pass,
Before we finally arrive,
Men will die before then,
But for this cause we must strive,

[Chorus]

We grew much too fast,
For us to ever stand a long,
Now we must run, hide,
For doing nothing wrong,

But when the time comes,
Not in this life, but in another,
We will show them the truth,
And in the truth they will smother,


[Outro]

When, When will we see,
The holy land again?
Will we die before we see truth,
Before we live my friend?

We broke our chains,
Just to be shackled in a new way,
This gift we send forward,
Now we must hope, We must pray..

[TheBigMachine]

Aha! The comma's. You dont need to place one at the end of each line, because frankly, it chokes the flow of a piece, having to pause at the end of each.

As always your stories are well thought out and flow beautifully, very inclusive. Your imagery is simple but effective, making it quite vivid. The power metal cliche's still exist here, and they're easily editted out. However, you may have a hard time replacing them, because of the simplicity of the piece.

Anyway sorry this crit isn't as indepth as the last im on the run between packing and MXing.

[lord of darkness]

I pretty much like this peice, but I'd avoid repetition such as:

Draw not your arms tonight,
Dare not to even look back,
We leave this place tonight,
With it’s walls burnt to black,

But when the time comes,
Not in this life, but in another,
We will show them the truth,
And in the truth they will smother,

I feel this part is weak in some places which is not what we expect from the second part of a chorus... the second sentence has a strange flow to it I don't like much(in my opinion althought you might as well get other answers before judging, and if you can sing it properly fine than don't consider this)

what I really don't like is the repetition of truth in two consecutive sentence... but then again, repetition is a lyrical device used in poetry to bring emphasis, it's from personal opinion that I think repetition is not good, perhaps try replacing truth with reality? if it doesn't break the flow of course..I think flow is more important if you want to sing this peice of course.

well, I guess that's all I can say, sorry for not being of much help, I must say I'm not a great writter and to know much about different lyrical style so...well:P I hope it helped in some way, if not, then, at least, I can say I loved that peice overall:thumb:

[Surtr]

Thanks alot.

I agree with the tonight thing, I'm in need of something to replace it that will still fit though and sound right in my mind.

As for the truth part, I left it that way, as I like the way it repeats. It's getting across the message even further that the truth is something of emphasis (sp?) here.