that black-eyed funk

[Sloth]

Background: I was playing guitar the other day and came up with some groovy rhythm...etc...etc...I just wrote these lyrics for the music.

This isn't my style at all...so help me with my editing


He was a
back stabber
the kinda man
who hit his children and then
smile at the ball games

you were just a
happy child with a
filthy father who once said
promises mean nothing

(C)
and so it goes
fists are fists and
they leave bruises
but those words, yeah,
they'll tear your heart out


I guess this shows that
life is not like
those Chistmas cards
we all - hide something


(repeat C)
they'll tear you hope out
and crush your
dreams for
to
morr
ow

[EmergencyRoom]

There's something like beat poetry going on here. I'm not sure about the spellings and i'm assuming they're intentional to fit the jazz time feeling of it. I'm not sure there's much that i can say about this until you let me know what was intentional here. I'll give you a much better crit if you explain yourself a bit more first.


also, hi:wave:

[Lowridenn]

He was a
back stabber
the kinda man
who hit his children and then
smile at the ball games

^^I believe that smile should be smiled. Reasonable opening, sets the mood, and introduces the character.

you were just a
happy child with a
filthy father who once said
promises mean nothing

^^Introduces the second character. I do like the alliteration here, I'm such a sucker for alliteration.

(C)
and so it goes
fists are fists and
they leave broozes
but those words, yeah,
they'll tear your heart out

^^Broozes? Or bruises? :) Damien Rice, in rhythm, not necessarily in content.

I guess this shows that
life is not like
those Chistmas cards
we all - hide something

^^Minor, Christmas. I like the idea here.

(repeat C)
they'll tear you hope out
and crush your
dreams for
to
morr
ow

[i]^^ Meh. A slight let down in the end.

The whole vibe for me was Damien Rice (perhaps, and likely, because I have been listening to O and 9 extensively lately, both great). It is definitely a step out of your boundaries, but I liked it. Slightly morose and sad. It needs a cleaning up. If nothing else, it lends itself as a stepping stone for a new style. Good to see you, btw.

[Surf]

This thread needs a poll:

Did you google these lyrics?
y/n

but anyway, dot for later and stuff.

[TojesDolan]

:lol:

oh surf

:(

kayo dot as well

[Surf]

Like one of the people above said, it seemed as though something like beat poetry was going on here; seemingly simplistic word choice belying more complex ideas. Especially the last three lines.

Because of this, I'm not sure whether the more simplistic parts are over complicated or whether I'm just giving them too much credit, because I think you wouldn't be that simple. But I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume it was purposeful.

I think that the ideas are here, but in too raw a form. Some of the characters are undeveloped and 'flat'. The father is alright, he needs nothing more, but you could try making the piece more emphatic by giving more focus to the child; elicit more emotions from the reader by giving them something more to care about.

In terms of flow and other structural stuff like that, you seem fine. Rhyming is handled well (i.e. not used) and you make good use of other techniques such as alliteration.

So basically, I'm suggesting you expand on your ideas in much the same fashion. But perhaps on top of that, make your writing a bit more transparent; is it that complex or am I over anaylsing it? - try and remove the element of doubt by bringing a greater sophistication to the piece.

[FA]

lols we don't know what your "style" is other than jackin em ZING

[Surf]

Oooohhh,

FACE

*makes requisite hand movement*

[TojesDolan]

lols we don't know what your "style" is other than jackin em ZING
Justin! :(

[Sloth]

Haha... yeah, yeah, shut up.
thanks for the crits guys...