The Memories I'll Never Have

[TojesDolan]

Eh, I tried to hack 'n slash a lot of good parts but couldn't find nice fillers, sorry boys. Enjoy, it's about... well. Memories I'll never have.

The Memories I'll Never Have

Like the memories I'll never have,
sudden waves of sadness, like
sine parabolas returning ever tick, tick, tack,
returning breathless and up to the skies triumphant,
like everything I didn't live, gathered
through stills of happier days.

You are beyond sleep.

I forget about myself in satsuma
scented aroma in the morning,
conspicuous,
silent when time is not present in my mind,
when colors, smeared through a glass;
light and darkness;
They are all bleak contemplations of lost days,
of lifeless beacons in the shore, watching vicarious;

They are not cold. I get over with time, care, love.

***

Uninspired but posting for the sakes of. Also shaking off a bit the writer's block.

[Surf]

Like the memories I'll never have,
sudden waves of sadness, like
sine parabolas returning ever tick, tick, tack,
returning breathless and up to the skies triumphant,
like everything I didn't live, gathered
through stills of happier days

Syntax made my head feel funny, but it fits, it works with the piece so good good. Two places that need the work are 'sadness' and 'happier days'. They seem very out of place here, a bit of a cliched expression admidst more abstract ideas. You could probably use one as a juxtaposition, but two doesn't quite work. FOr the first a synonymn, the second could benefit from a similie, e.g. days like la la la. But don't write la la la because that's stupid. But overall, nice stanza, I like the tone and stuff.

You are beyond sleep.

Works great as a stand alone line, nice and succinct whilst moving the piece along. Good things.

I forget about myself in tangerine
scented aroma in the morning,
conspicous,
silent when time is not present in my mind,
when colours, smeared through a glass;
light and darkness;
They are all bleak contemplations of lost days,
of lifeless beacons in the shore, watching vicarious;

Again, nice stanza with only a couple of issues, not really problems. The first line break is good, but tangerine seems a bit overdone in abstract writing (blame the beatles). Maybe another kind of orange, a satsuma perhaps? Manderine? Kumquat? I'm thinking citrusy, but its up to you. If there's some bigger siginificance to tangerines in particular then don't worry about it, its not that much of a problem. should the last line end 'vicariously'? or should there be a comma after watching? the forth line seems odd and jerky, work on the rhythm of the words, just make it flow a little nicer perhaps.

They are not cold. I get over with time, care, love.

Good end. Maybe try another phrasing of 'not cold', its not really important, but for a conclusion, it seems a little bit of an anti climax, try something more sophisticated.

***

***? I assume this is just showing where a gap is rather than writing *** at the end? If you did write *** then take it out dude.


Overall nice piece. work in a couple of places on the flow and clichedness (?) but mostly nice.

[Eliminator]

satsuma would sound pretty cool in the song

[Neoteric]

I really liked it :) I wish I had that range of vocabulary.

[Eliminator]

well that's why god made you a scoot

[Neoteric]

Should have seen that coming.

[TojesDolan]

http://www.un4gettabletoys.com/images/scooter.jpg

No but really thanks a lot Surf, as always helpful. Derek thanks for the comments and Nicholas... you crazy young man.

[TheBigMachine]

Like the memories I'll never have,
sudden waves of sadness, like
sine parabolas returning ever tick, tick, tack,
returning breathless and up to the skies triumphant,
like everything I didn't live, gathered
through stills of happier days.

It took me several reads to understand the stanza in any way shape or form, but the wackyness of the stanza, if you like works well here. Content wise, it's very good, as well. Also, sudden/sadness/sine alliteration is subtle but enjoyable.

You are beyond sleep.

:thumb:

I forget about myself in satsuma
scented aroma in the morning,
conspicuous,
silent when time is not present in my mind,
when colors, smeared through a glass;
light and darkness;
They are all bleak contemplations of lost days,
of lifeless beacons in the shore, watching vicarious;

Highly enjoyable, great writing here. Even if I did have to look up satsuma. However, the semi colon at the end doesn't go all that well in my opinion. If I were you, I'd add the first bit of the one liner down there to the end of this stanza, and have the remainder as a one liner.

They are not cold. I get over with time, care, love.

Yeah.

Anyway, overall it was very enjoyable as per usual. You seem to be doing some experimenting with the ways your writing, and it's very enjoyable to see and watch develop. Kudos to you.