Here goes....dot.dot..

[Abandon all hope]

Never really been critiqued before.
Be gentle!
It's an acoustic track.

"The echo of a pulse long since ceased"

"And so the verdict is in.
Were going to settle with the amputation.
Allthough we have all the means for rehabilitation.
And due to our circumstance, there's no time for sedation.

Everything will go black.
Then we will procede to hack, through your sternum.
It'll be fine all though it won't be numb.
It'll be far from numb.

And then I'll precede to pull your entire circulatory system from your body.

And if and when you wake, things may not be the same.
Rest assured, it's just a terminal side effect from playing this game."

[liz123]

Argh, it sounds like something from 'Saw'. Um youve probably described things much too bluntly. eg. use of sternum, ciculatory system. It just seems out of place for a song, it's an interesting idea thoughand original. The first part you seem to have rhymed last word of every line, for me, it doesn't seem to flow that well. Good effort though. :)

[TojesDolan]

*veredict
*we're

Make a spell check before posting, please. I don't like death metal style, or this... whatever you are doing with the system, but it sounds gracious as it's presented. I don't know... feels good but lacks... maturity.

[liz123]

verdict. i thought that was how you spell it?

[TojesDolan]

oh you are right.

My deepest condolences.

[Abandon all hope]

It's a graphic description of something completely un-nessecary.
Bad breakup.
It's an acoustic...No death metal here.
Wouldn't it be a punctuation check?

Any ideas how to spice up the first lines?
I want to convey all those first images, but I lack the ability to break them up without it losing it's feel to me.

[MaCkCiTy]

You might find some insperation from Cannibal Corpse lyrics... Id assume.

[Abandon all hope]

...It's not about death metal.
It's about...the most ballin'-ist sh.t you can do with the human body.