Translated Lives

[Wlokos]

A set of lyrics that I wrote recently - any critique/critism/whatever is appreciated.

Translated Lives

we hear words that we remember
we say words that we don't understand
we breathe deep, stand up together
over and over and over again

and in time we trust each other
saying things we do not understand
we stand up we speak together
over and over and over again

we build communities
on words that we
don't even know
how to say

and we will live
our translated lives
what was it
you wanted to say

[Wlokos]

anybody?

[lord of darkness]

well first of all, I think for the lenght of the piece you shouldn't repeat words and lines that much. also the "over and over" thing is used too frequently in my opinion. apart from that...I don't get any picture or feelings reading throught that, I think lyrics should have a somewhat...sensible touch, I can't feel the piece, I can't relate to it much. I must say I'm not the best critic anyway...but my best tip would be to avoid repetition, and perhaps, to put a little more thoughts in your songs. Still, don't stop writting;) practicing is the way to go;) perhaps if you have some other stuff you can show it another day, I might be of more help then...

[Thasis]

As said above the over and over thing is used a bit to much.

and we will live
our translated lives
what was it
you wanted to say

Also, this seems kinnda poorely wored, think rewording.