Scars of a cloud

[Minus The Flair]

Happy new year S&L! I guess this is my first song of the year.

Foreign objects drift over homes for the homeless
Gracefully trudging past empty windows, not unlike this one.
Spewing out forgotten hope, and washing away the religious filth
That scars the very clouds that spit at us. Blood leaking from their wounds
Wrapped elegantly in agnostic disappointment
It hails at our roof. As if we care.

But these mystics are not to be ignored,
Their scars hold stories beneath their bloody shields
They tell off how they did once rise up and destroy the indestructible
Covered the browns in a deathly blue and stole the life of man.
All but a few gasped for the last breath of air
And were gone.

You stare aimlessly into their destructive beauty for hours
Drifting with their endless drift.
But they are taking shape of a new kind.
The nascent republic of doom is beckoning
Forming between the lines of a holy book
One year out, heed the warning of the rapturous cloud.


Not very good but I havn't written in a little while. Crits very much apprecitated. Have a great 2007.

[TheBigMachine]

Foreign objects drift over homes for the homeless
Gracefully trudging past empty windows, not unlike this one.
Spewing out forgotten hope, and washing away the religious filth
That scars the very clouds that spit at us. Blood leaking from their wounds
Wrapped elegantly in agnostic disappointment
It hails at our roof. As if we care.

Wow. Very good. I enjoyed this stanza on the whole, very much. However, I think the vocabulary on the penultimate line is just that little bit out of place.
But apart from the small tiny insignificant little flaw I think you've done very well.

But these mystics are not to be ignored,
Their scars hold stories beneath their bloody shields
They tell off how they did once rise up and destroy the indestructible
Covered the browns in a deathly blue and stole the life of man.
All but a few gasped for the last breath of air
And were gone.

It seems somehow disconnected from the first stanza. But not, at the same time. If you feel like, you can clear it up, or leave it ambigious(sp?), I dont think it matters either way. The imagery is very good here and the flow is just about flawless, except on the last two lines, where again you falter just a little. Something about it doesn't seem quite right, perhaps that the ending is a little bit too adrupt. Every time I read it I have a different opinion though. But again good work.

You stare aimlessly into their destructive beauty for hours
Drifting with their endless drift.
But they are taking shape of a new kind.
The nascent republic of doom is beckoning
Forming between the lines of a holy book
One year out, heed the warning of the rapturous cloud.

:eek:

I wish my 'good' was as good as your 'not very good'.

[TojesDolan]

Foreign objects drift over homes for the homeless
Gracefully trudging past empty windows, not unlike this one.
Spewing out forgotten hope, and washing away the religious filth
That scars the very clouds that spit at us. Blood leaking from their wounds
Wrapped elegantly in agnostic disappointment
It hails at our roof. As if we care.


Bolded for good times, I like how it begins. Very lightly, kinda not wanting to go there, but like "hey this thing promises read it!". The wounds is very well explained later, I like how it starts. The ending of the last line kinda doesn't fit the groove but this will be explained later.


But these mystics are not to be ignored,
Their scars hold stories beneath their bloody shields
They tell off how they did once rise up and destroy the indestructible
Covered the browns in a deathly blue and stole the life of man.
All but a few gasped for the last breath of air
And were gone.

Eh, well you know there are better references to rain than the one given by catholics. When it's seen as the "killer of the vile", I think that whoever wrote it (Noah or whatever go figure) needs a serious head check: Several cultures (central-american, mostly) adored rain and even had their God of Rain (Huitzilopochtli, if I remember correctly) and it was more of a blessing than the "banhammer of the n00bs". Why am I saying this? I don't agree philosophically with this part of the piece. :p Otherwise it's nice. The "bloody shields" though lacks strength, I can't really picture blood and clouds. The blood though may be seen as rain itself, duh, nonetheless it feels weird.

You stare aimlessly into their destructive beauty for hours
Drifting with their endless drift.
But they are taking shape of a new kind.
The nascent republic of doom is beckoning
Forming between the lines of a holy book
One year out, heed the warning of the rapturous cloud.

Why you? There's no need to get that personal feel to it, something yet impersonal would have worked tightly, especially since this is the only time it's mentioned. I don't see the aesthetic of it. Also remember my last comment on the first stanza? Exactly. There's no real effect to using these character out of the randomness of it, because it's kind of unfitting and awkward to throw them in. Anyway, I like how it ends.

Overall, I hate your philosophical stand but the piece is quite good, I dig it. Props and happy new year! Excuse the lack of objectivity, heh.

[Surf]

Late but what the hey.

Firstly, well done, well written and good stuff all round. But a few things:

washing away the religious filth

This was out of place for me. Whereas before you were using images to elegantly convey and idea, here you get too blunt for my liking. 'Religious filth' seems a bit immature, and doesn't sit comfortably (not even in a juxtapositional sense) with the sixth line, which was excellent. too much a case of beating the reader over the head with the message too early on. For such an image focused piece, you're going to want to be more subtle; lead
the reader rather than push them.

Exactly what Tojes said about the final stanza, he's dead on there.

Lastly, watch out for melodrama.

The nascent republic of doom is beckoning

seems very over the top, especially considering that this is the stanza you've decided to make more personal, what with the pronouns and everything. Hyperbole is useful, but wattch how you use it so that you don't go over the top.

So overall very well written. Just focus on a couple of things, namely that last stanza, and all will be well.