Painted

[TheBigMachine]

Pink and purple - painted. Winds of change
Blow oil coloured clouds through the blanket:
Free of decoration. In the mist
She stands alone, in the midst of nightmares forged
Of imaginations, perverted for one night; floating
Gently beneath the blanket.

"Prepare."

Swirling in curves of patterns, the fog
Clings to you, hiding you.
Brown hair flows from you into gloom,
Disguised and hidden in a gaseous state:
My muscles liquify.

"It was not enough."

Hysteria creeps through faded illusions, dying
Between shadows and shadows;
The veil's fading. Radiance is creeping from
Behind the haze, beams of amber and brilliant orange
Pierce the fog:
Finally, the time comes!

"Come, take me."

Breathing is a foreign task when the air is
Composed of the smell of beauty, the essence
The very foundation of it's creation.

The blankets are pulled back and stinging rays
Of amber and orange shine through my window.
Stumble out, and into reality.

Shadows return when never thought possible;
Reality.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not sure about it. So, hook me up with critiques.

[sportsfan4427]

i don't like how in the first and alittle bit of the third stanza you used you line breaks, and they were really awkward because the disrupted the sentences and you had a lotta puncuation that messed them up. everywhere else though there is a little less commas and what not so the line breaks are very nice

Swirling in curves of patterns, the fog
Clings to you, hiding you.
Brown hair flows from you into gloom,
Disguised and hidden in a gaseous state:
My muscles liquify.

i really like how you had the quotes after each stanza that would have been something cool to carry through the whole piece or at least at the end a really meaningful one


the last 2 stanza are really sweet i'd just fix some one minor thing for the flow

The blankets are pulled back and stinging rays,
Amber and orange, shine through my window.
Stumble out, and into reality.

to me that change makes it sound better and that line break isn't so odd

I thought this was pretty good over all just some issues with flow but everything else was really good


could you give a look at Shine

[TojesDolan]

Heh, you need to paint a little more I think. Overall I see a good piece, duh.

Pink and purple - painted. Winds of change
Blow oil coloured clouds through the blanket:
Free of decoration. In the mist
She stands alone, in the midst of nightmares forged
Of imaginations, perverted for one night; floating
Gently beneath the blanket.

"Prepare."


Go for more disturbing colors: Say, make a more analogical study of colors, use more images than colors themselves. I don't know... forged of imaginations? Isn't it by or in? Nice though.


Swirling in curves of patterns, the fog
Clings to you, hiding you.
Brown hair flows from you into gloom,
Disguised and hidden in a gaseous state:
My muscles liquify.

"It was not enough."

*liquefy. I don't like the repetition of you, but oh me oh my, I respect your poetic stance. More vivid for brown? Wheat maybe? Also, I like the whole state-of-matter thing, but I'm not sure how it makes sense with the art-esque vibe...

Hysteria creeps through faded illusions, dying
Between shadows and shadows;
The veil's fading. Radiance is creeping from
Behind the haze, beams of amber and brilliant orange
Pierce the fog:
Finally, the time comes!

"Come, take me."

shadows and more shadows? There's not much to it, considering it kind of needs something to differentiate both kinds of shadows... if there are more kinds, or if they are the same, there's a need to tell which one's which one. I like how it builds up and... *snares*


Breathing is a foreign task when the air is
Composed of the smell of beauty, the essence
The very foundation of it's creation.

The blankets are pulled back and stinging rays
Of amber and orange shine through my window.
Stumble out, and into reality.

Shadows return when never thought possible;
Reality.

Not feeling the foreign task. Other way of saying it? I like the idea, the execution I feel is poor. I like how you went from colors to sensations and the whole state-of-matter, very consistent of yours, to go back there, but maybe a bit more of interlinking both themes into a gigantic, magnificent closure would have made this gigantic.

Ehem.

Otherwise, the piece a little stranded, but a good piece nonetheless. Needs work in the little dots that you didn't follow to get the whole picture. :)

[Eliminator]

better title then i'll crit this up like a crit box

[TojesDolan]

Sacred Profit In Flesh, We Are Paint In Ethereal Gestures

[TheBigMachine]

Elim: my new title for this song is

Sacred Profit In Flesh, We Are Paint In Ethereal Gestures

crit me up

[Minus The Flair]

TBH dude, I really really liked the writing in this piece, but it was hard to relate because of so much imagery. I always love imagery in poems but, forgive the cliche, it felt kind of suffocating, overbearing. It made a lot of the lines very confusing and hard to understand what you were trying to get at, hard to see what picture was in your head. Although sometimes that doesn't matter, as everyone obviously will see something else through reading, sometimes in this piece it was hard to picture anything. The overall writing was pretty much fantastic, but difficult to connect with at times. And I say at times because at other times, you did show me something, and it was excellent.

Swirling in curves of patterns

Just lines like this were kind of overbearing, I'm not even sure if this makes sense.


Breathing is a foreign task when the air is
Composed of the smell of beauty, the essence
The very foundation of it's creation.

This, and parts like this, I loved. This section here though I found myself smiling at, awesome stuff.

Anyway, yeah, this wasn't much of a crit in the way that I didn't really offer any advice, but basically, this piece was very well written but hard to connect with, try going for perhaps a more personal approach next time. I always like to read your pieces Mitch, but a lot of the time it's just that personal touch that's lacking. But yeah, nice writing.

[TheBigMachine]

Thanks alot man. I understand what your saying with the impersonal feel, Ill see what I can do with it. It's something Ive always struggled with. Thanks again :thumb:

[Eliminator]

WELL COLOUR ME SOMEWHAT INTERESTED

yeah it's good sup

[Surtr]

Thanks alot man. I understand what your saying with the impersonal feel, Ill see what I can do with it. It's something Ive always struggled with. Thanks again :thumb:

I completely agree with that guy.

I know everyone says Cliches are bad..But it's hard as hell to relate to this because you're swarmed with imagery and nothing really comes across as familliar.

Other than that I love it, it's a true work of art.

[Surf]

Bah I said I'd crit it so I'm damn well going to crit it.

Alot of what I would say has already been said.

I think what struck me most, and also what would be easiest to work on, was like Tojes said; the colours. The first line uses pink and purple, which, let's face it, clash :). but seriously, they seem choosen more for the alliteration than meaning, so try and choose some more fitting shades, sit down with a paint chart or something because odd and specific colours could really help focus the start a bit more.

On a similar note, brown is a poor word choice for describing hair. Its so stolid and, well, brown. Choose something similar yet more apt, like mahogany or something. Also, you repeat amber and orange as a reference to light. but its, if anything, too simplistic a phrase. Look into more of a similie type description, i.e. light like [insert colour here] [insert noun here] [maybe extend it with some verbs and stuff].

Other people have commented on the amount of imagery. Same kind of thing really, make sure its not overbearing, let it help the reader rather than stifle them.


So good writing, but focus on the choice of colours as they seem very central to the piece.