Shine

[sportsfan4427]

i've been in the beastly writer block for a while and this is the first thing that i've produced that i think isn't complete crap. so i'd love to hear what you guys think of it

Shine

Squinting at the sun,
My son asks, “Are we done”
I respond with a speechless gaze
Due to a slight embarrassment,
That this is our life
So it won’t ever actually ever end,
And a slight sadness
Because absolutely no hands
Outstretched that far towards faith
Deserve too be digging that deep
For someone else’s shine

Luckily, actually, I’ll claim good fortune,
Cause after a while luck looks like a glassy tale,
Transparent and fake, similar to air as scattered hail
Falls vertically
From the same blue sky
And the same unseen Guy that watched
As little golden leeches
Crawled horizontally
And took a distinct pleasure
In destroying a beautiful flower
Before it had the opportunity
To grow

So… fortunately
The shine will entrap my friends
In it’s gleam and glitter
And fortunately, as their hands break and quiver
Their souls will grow dangerously bitter

[Char Luz Monage]

its very nice. i can see a common theme throughout the whole thing.

however, it does fall prey to some very childlie rhythms, such as "And the same unseen Guy that watched.."

But still, other than those parts, very good.

[DeadReligion]

"Beastly," Yeah, my sister uses that word too. Lol. On to the critique.

The rhymes aren't very good at all. The line breaks are extremely annoying. The line breaks with the next line only having one word only work if it's intense, and a sharp razor like word. Life and deserve are not. Well, deserve could be. But then that isn't the last word of the sentence, you're just screwing up the flow.

Now, that being said, the content is excellent. Your choice of words is good, for the most part. Fix the rhyming and flow, though.

4/10.

[sportsfan4427]

i made some changes just with the line breaks cause i was a little iffy on those too

[DeadReligion]

Dotted homie.

[MaCkCiTy]

Had a read, I like it. I see what DeadReligion is saying about the flow, but there is definately some good parts in there! I likes the middle paragraph or verse or whatever it would be called, I don't know, Im not a poetry guy...

[TheBigMachine]

Ill do it later in the day, i only just got up.

[TojesDolan]

I respond with a speechless gaze
Due to a slight embarrassment,

Makes it be more of a descriptive piece but for the most part isn't. You're taking the reader here and there by the hand and otherwise leaving him to his own luck in other sections. Don't do that. We get mad. :(

Luckily, actually, I’ll claim good fortune,

No apparent use of both initial words. I like the pace of it, going from a more descriptive introduction (taking the reader) to a more vague interpretation (leaving the reader) but you lack in some specific parts because you don't take the roles properly and there's this weird sensation when reading it, that disappears by the end of the piece. Otherwise very cute.

[sportsfan4427]

thanks for the crits Tojes any ideas on how i could change that

[TheBigMachine]

Some of the lines feel a little bit prosey, and overly descriptive. This is mainly because they don't quite fit in with the rhythm of the piece - rather it's lacking rhythm full stop.

As DR mentioned, the rhymes are pretty painful. But also in accordance with DR, your content is genuinley good. However, you need to find ways to make the piece more attractive when it's being read.

Otherwise, it's a pretty good effort.

[Abandon all hope]

I like the starting and the ending (stanza's) (?)

[sportsfan4427]

thanks for all your crits and helping me get over this writter's block
the reason i put some of those rhymes in was because i thought it would maybe add to the flow