Poem I wrote at 2 in the morning

[dirtypirate337]

Crit please, I wanna know if it sucks. I don't write poetry that often.

Untitled:
If that ****ing bird sings one more goddamn note, my heads going to explode.
Every note's like another bullet in my chest.
The sound is like a pencil in my ear.
One more sound, and the gun comes around , I swear it.
I swear it to myself and no one else, because I don't know if I'll let them down.
2 in the morning, and I still hear its elegy, drifting through the night like a horrible specter.
The line between a dream and reality is becoming blurred.
I can't even tell what's real anymore. Is this sound I hear a bird?
Or a memory that won't be forgotten soon enough?

[DeadReligion]

Not that great, but funny as hell.

[Abandon all hope]

Hey this is my first post in quite a while...
Anyhow I likey it. Yes likey.
Can't think of anything wrong with it, except for the line: "drifting through the night like a horrible specter".
I don't know why, mainly its the use of the word specter i suppose.
And it's a little short.

[sportsfan4427]

i like everything after the I Swear it to myself line
before that it seems really unpoetic and really blunt...like you were just really tired then after that it seems that you sorta got rolling on this poem and it came together

[KateJJ]

I thought your poem is amusing. Try posting it on eSnips (www.esnips.com) and see what the eSnips Poetry community thinks. I've seen some good work there.

[dirtypirate337]

The poem might make more sense if I explained. It's about my ex girlfriend and how much she annoys me. I got the idea of a bird being annoying from one of my friends, and it just kinda came together. I really had no intention of writing it about her, but once I started writing it, I was like "that bird's alot like her".

[TojesDolan]

It was better without explanation lel

But yeah it's funny and probably not very good technically, but comes together nicely.

[Surf]

lefl - I don't think the explanation was entirely necessary/beneficial.

I think the charm lies in the lack of technicality; if it were overloaded with metaphors and stuff the it wouldn't be the same.

However, some of the ideas come a bit close to cliched; if some of the similies were a bit more original (bullet in my chest for example is a bit dull and bland) then it would work alot better. :)