Watchers

[i am the robots]

Seemingly we're to wander these streets aimlessly,
These nights or lay sleepless.
It seems we no longer have protectors, no heros to go unsung.
Our angels have lost their interest in our well being.
Rest easy, children. We'll awake to the dawn and play.
Underneath the memory of our watchers' wings.
The acorns will break upon our bare, calloused feet.
We'll mold the sands to our designs.
Courtyards washed emerald under oceanic skies.
The whitewashed walls and the greenish casted windows.
Sloped roofs, charcoal. Coroded copper gutters.
Breezes and springtime, we'll find them again.
We'll find the rain dried up and ourselves released onto the young ripe world.
We'll make this night our Swain School, just take my hands.
Just take hope that our angels will return.
Just make believe that we'll still be watched.

[i am the robots]

God damn it... I feel like every poem/song I write is the same response: nothing.

How long will it take to realize I just want to know if it's liked or not.

:upset:

[DeadReligion]

Weird, but very nice. Very nice. What's Swain School? Your turn to crit mine.

[i am the robots]

I'll crit it tommorrow, as I'm about to go to bed.

Swain School is a private school directly behind my back yard (the barrier between the campus and my yard is a two tree thick wall of pine trees). I've found solace in the playground and yards of the school recently because of all of the positive memoires accompanying the school from my childhood.

[TheBigMachine]

Dot. Tomorrow morning, Ill shower you with some praise.

[TheBigMachine]

The first line is a little bit...blunt, if you like. You'd do well to put the second line as the first, and then have that line as your second.

But the rest I was all lik :eek: "wish I could write like that."

So yeah. A good piece, very good. And dont worry about returning the crit, because I know this one is lame.

[Surf]

This was good, it seemed different to your normal stuff.

If there was one thing I would reccomend, it would be looking at your strcture and form. You mentioned free verse in another thread, but you're only using it at its most basic. You should look into line breaks etc to focus an emphasise certain aspects that you want to bring to the forefront. Check out an internet guide (or a defintion) to get more of an understanding of how useful free verse can be when properly applied. If you want a further understanding, check out some of the pioneers, Eliot, Whitman, Pound, and see how they use their verse to their advantage.

So overall, the content is great, but you need to work on the structure. It seems raw and unfinished at the moment, and the proper and more obvious application of free verse would really help lift this piece up.

[i am the robots]

Probably, I'll do my researches.

Big Machine, you honestly liked it?

[TheBigMachine]

I honestly liked it. I had to read it a few times to get the feel for it, but once I did, I honestly, with all integrity enjoyed it.

[i am the robots]

Thanks man.

Fixed for spelling.

[TojesDolan]

First line is too much, very contrived, there must be better (and less tongue scrambling) ways to say that. It's not bad, just a little hindered flow. I'm almost certain that's not the "callous" you're looking for. The descriptions in the mid-section:
The whitewashed walls and the greenish casted windows.
Black sloped roofs, hooked peeks, coroded copper gutters.

Are slightly too rough and there's probably no real objective to them... They look nice, they evoke a very vivid imagery but seems a bit out of place considering the context it is in: The poem is very short. It doesn't require much more, though, it's great as it is. So probably slowing down there would be nice. Heh. The ending pretty much rounds it all up.

Overall, it's nice and smooth, runs quickly; I forgot to mention:

Grassy courtyards, blue skies, white clouds, sunny days.

Cute images but don't really give out anything. Either give them stronger words (the ones you use are childish and feeble. ) Which are not bad, but within such a dense poem, they just kinda jump out on you. In the bad way.

Nice, anyways. I liked it. Kinda reminds this old geezer a thing or two.

*Sits on rocking chair and stares to the sunset*

[i am the robots]

Haha, thanks ToeJam, always giving me ways to improve.

[Wlokos]

I agree that the first line is a bit of a mouthful, and probably could be said more smoothly.

I LOVE the general style of this, it's very poetic and descriptive but kinda confusing in a good way. I think if you fix the first line a bit, then this is a really awesome set of lyrics.

9/10

edit: and I'm sorry that I can't give any specific advice, but I'm posting this two minutes before I have to leave for something so I don't have much time >_>

[i am the robots]

I fixed it a little.