1st song written "Bane"

[MaCkCiTy]

This is one of my band and it fits the music and keeps the energy up. It's called Bane. There are a few bits I think are a little weak, but I got nothing better at the moment. For the record this song aint about a girl either :p. Any thoughts on it would be great.
Cheers,
Charles.




Stuff in bold is the screamy bits, you can work out why stuff is in brackets...


(verse 1)

A whisper in my ear when I least expect,
an invite to a place of interest.
Pain forgetten, why did i go.
Can you take me there? Show me how.
Back again in your warm embrace,
all I needed was a taste.
Begging this feeling doesn't go,
all I need is...
all I need is...

(CHORUS)

When I kiss your lips...
when I feel your hips...
why do I do it...
how I hate the pain but I love my

(Verse 2)

Swimming in the sea of ecstasy.
lost in a place that time forgets.
I feel you take controll,
why did I go for more?
Why do I be this way.
Why do you make me stay
It's too late to go
all I need is...
all I need is you

(Chorus)

When I kiss your lips I am taken away
when I feel your hips all I want is to stay
why do I do it someone help me
how I hate the pain but I love my bane

(extended chorus w/guitar solo)
my bane
my bane
my bane
my

(bridge)

I DONT NEED YOU ANY MORE
I KNOW I SAID IT BEFORE
I'll never do it; again
SOME ONE HELP ME, SOME ONE HELP ME
NOW
NOW

(Chorus)

When I taste your lips I am taken away
when I feel your hips all I want is to stay
why do I do it someone help me
how I hate the pain but I love my bane

[DeadReligion]

You obviously had sex with Cliche the night before you wrote this. On the bright side, the first two lines aren't bad.

[MaCkCiTy]

Is it that Cliche'ie?

[Eliminator]

my baner

[i am the robots]

Is this a nu-metal song?

Why do I be this way?

[MaCkCiTy]

It probably could be (Im not really sure what makes a song Nu Metal), theres a couple guitar solos to try and take it out of that but I dont know... It's metal of some sort...

[TojesDolan]

So exactly why do we need to know what you scream?

You know, just because it's loud doesn't mean it's going to sound good.

[Surf]

Is it that Cliche'ie?

After the first two lines, yes. You over use pronouns and rhetoircal questions, undermining their use in the first place, as well as running over tired ideas.

Like others have said, there's no need to tell us which parts are screamed, it doesn't affect the quality of the writing :)

If you find yourself questioning the originality of your writing, look at the bridge, which is most definitly cliche.

Have another look at the first two lines, then read through the s&l guide at the top of the page, then try editing/rewriting.

[MaCkCiTy]

Well I high lighted what was screaming just to help give you the idea of how it plays out, for the same reason I wrote the structure in brackets... But thanks, I'll take it all as constuctive and have a good look at it. HAPPYNEWYEAR!

[RNR]

Don't ever rhyme lips with hips again. Ever. That's extremely over-used and makes you sound like a lazy/horny writer.

[Ando!]

(The secret about songs is that the words are less important than the music)

[DeadReligion]

(The secret about songs is that the words are less important than the music)
^ You're an idiot.

[MaCkCiTy]

Don't ever rhyme lips with hips again. Ever. That's extremely over-used and makes you sound like a lazy/horny writer.

Yeah I know thats corny. But if you'll notice how in the later choruses there are more words per line. So when its just lips and hips theres a 2½ beat gap before the next line starts... But then I guess after that the words are Away and Stay :smash:

[sportsfan4427]

you should record the song and then post it in the Audio Arena if you already haven't

[MaCkCiTy]

you should record the song and then post it in the Audio Arena if you already haven't

No i haven't got everything recorded yet (lyrics/bass/drums not done). Theres a bodgy demo over midi drums/bass I recorded for my band with crap solos, but that was just so they could learn it... Well be hopefully getting into my friends recording studio within a couple months, I'll definately chuck it up then. :thumb:

[sportsfan4427]

should you also take a look at my poem called Shine and tell me what you think of it