Portrait of my Broken Heart

[Char Luz Monage]

Hahahaa.. I wrote this when I was like... 14:rolleyes:


I drew a girl once on a wrinkled canvas

On a night when there was no moon

Broken, lonely, and smiled sadness

Gave wake to her pain within



Sprung from a mind of darkness

The void in the back of my brain

The chaos on the inside

Was given color on the page



Staring at my paper, pencil in my hand

Hypnotized, one with the voices inside

Lost in this world for so very long

Then I stop...who is this girl I've drawn?



Looked back to a forgotten past

Lost in the thoughts that raced back

Eyes opened and tears ran free

Then I knew, that girl I drew

Was me

Pieces fall apart

In this portrait of my broken heart



Hours from then, I drowned in the tears

Begat from memories repressed for years

The rain magnified the wind's terrorous howl

I was greeted by a voice "It'll all be over now"



Overcoming darkness, the stillness of the night

Nothing to be said of my tormented plight

The sun comes up and the wind dies down

Light creeps across the floor, shines upon the soul that's found its solace



A paper lies crumpled on the floor

Two pictures of one girl adorn its wrinkled face

The first, depicted miserable and wretched

Maps out the fate of the second



The girl lies on the ground, and in her eyes

You can see the peace she's found inside

Limp and lifeless, knife stabbed through her heart

A true case of life imitating art



A forgotten past given way to an extinguished future

The present, a time that stands still

They look at the picture and I know what they see

A broken, pathetic picture of me

Pieces have fallen apart

In this portrait of my broken heart

[Krabsworth]

This is brilliant, some of the best I have seen on here, lately, for serious.

5/5

[Char Luz Monage]

thanx!
I have more on my myspace, if you'd like to check it out.
=D

[TojesDolan]

Give the link.

[TheBigMachine]

There are a few good parts and a few drastically cliche bits.
The first two lines give a good platform, but you then go and kill it with a trite, predictable next two lines. Think more imagery for that bit.

Now that's just one example, and as it happens, you do it alot through out your piece. It should be obvious to you which is cliche and which isn't. The thing is, you've got to admit that something you've written is bad and change it.

Definite potential though.

Keep working.

[i am the robots]

Very good for 14.

[TheBigMachine]

Dude, Im only 14.

[MaCkCiTy]

Pretty dark for a 14 yr old, go play some Nintendo! Very good all the same...

[TojesDolan]

No need of aesthetics with the double space, but oh me oh my:

Nice images, but don't be so affectionate with the word pain. I don't like it for the most part, it's too vague. By the way what's begat?

Your writing is obviously mature aesthetically-wise, but they fail thematically-wise. The subject you're writing about is probably confusion, and well, I have to say you go around the bushes too much. Might work better as prose, but the story would be pretty bland, so no.

Otherwise I like your writing, just find more interesting stuff to write about.

[Surf]

Like Tojes said, you're going to want to look into more interesting themes in the future; love is an overwritten subject and doesn't engage a reader as readily as something else might.

Also, look out for veering towards melodrama

I drowned in the tears

Whilst the sentiment is sound, the execution is lacking. You've done well throughout by avoiding cliche using metaphors, but in places (like the one above) you slip. Try reading it through some more and tightening the lines up a bit.

[Char Luz Monage]

thank you guys. good crit, i must say.

btw, the link is www.myspace.com/mizzladybabyphat

(the url derides from a very ghetto time in my life xP)
happy new years!

[TojesDolan]

Thanks. For both matters, heh.

I added you btw

[FA]

bim bam boom