Untitled #8

[Hedgedive]

A silhouette of dec-
-a dense thought conjured
up in head

Lift your hand
stop them dead
and show them all
a verse not read

To what is won?
One is lost
Two follow paths
fated to cross

And when they meet
eclectic love
will show to them
these, spoken of.

I started this like 2 months ago and forgot it, and I finished (maybe) it a little bit ago. I didn't go into detail and setting like I normally do in my poems, but I was trying to use some elements of language I learned about this year.

I think it's ****, but please criticise constructively. I won't get mad, I'm here to learn. :)

[Eliminator]

This reminds me of something.

[FA]

k, warning, you're gonna get hard criticism because of your rhyme scheme being so simple. Most might say it sounds forced, so whatever.

[Hedgedive]

This reminds me of something.

FA made me do it.

k, warning, you're gonna get hard criticism because of your rhyme scheme being so simple. Most might say it sounds forced, so whatever.

as expected.

[TojesDolan]

Oh boy. First time in a while I have a word on a piece.

A silhouette of dec-
-a dense thought conjured
up in head

deck. Use deck, if you are breaking the word already, do it in a fashion where each part makes sense, and I think deck, or the cadence, but good idea, I like how you work this. Last line lacks strength.


Lift your hand
stop them dead
and show them all
a verse not read

Horrible rhyming scheme, but suiting stanza. Slightly confusing image, but that's not necessarily bad.

To what is won?
One is lost
Two follow paths
fated to cross

And when they meet
eclectic love
will show to them
these, spoken of.


Didn't need to separate quotes. I like the context of this, simplistic, minimalist, may I say, and despite me not being a big fanatic of the rhyming scheme, there's still plenty to applaud to the piece. It might have needed a slightly more focused intention, but that would have taken words, and would've ruined the sentiment of the piece. So no no. Leave it as it is. It's OK.

[Hedgedive]

Oh boy. First time in a while I have a word on a piece.



deck. Use deck, if you are breaking the word already, do it in a fashion where each part makes sense, and I think deck, or the cadence, but good idea, I like how you work this. Last line lacks strength.



Horrible rhyming scheme, but suiting stanza. Slightly confusing image, but that's not necessarily bad.


Didn't need to separate quotes. I like the context of this, simplistic, minimalist, may I say, and despite me not being a big fanatic of the rhyming scheme, there's still plenty to applaud to the piece. It might have needed a slightly more focused intention, but that would have taken words, and would've ruined the sentiment of the piece. So no no. Leave it as it is. It's OK.

Thanks, that gave me a really good idea on how I could improve. I was going for a minimalist approach.

In the first stanza the line break was supposed to be a line break/double meaning (decadence, a dense), meaning the thought was dense. I kind of failed in having it make sense though. I'll work on revising the last line, but I still want to keep it short (like you said).

It was also meant to be sort of vague, as I wrote this with somebody in mind (nobody anyone on here would know).

I can see I need work on my rhyming schemes, and this definetely isn't my best work, but thanks for your criticism.

[Surf]

A silhouette of dec-
-a dense thought conjured
up in head

I appreciate what you're trying to do with the line break, but its a very hard thing to pull off, if it doesn't quite work, it often undermines the piece slightly. At the moment this appears to be the case, because 'dec' doesn't make sense on its own, it too obvious and slightly clumsy. If I were you, I might leave decadance on the first line, and start the second with 'a dense'. the repition might work a little better. And like Tojes said, the last line lacks slightly.

Lift your hand
stop them dead
and show them all
a verse not read

The flow here was very good. YEs the rhyme scheme was basic, but it fit well with the shorter lines and the style of verse you used. Ther's not much I can say here, each line seems carefully placed and it works. Good stanza.

To what is won?
One is lost
Two follow paths
fated to cross

This was very ambiguous, like you said, and that's not a problem in the rest of the verse, but the first line is awkward. I would look into rephrasing it to make a little more sense. It seems like the set up for much of the remainder of the piece, so the reader should be aware at least of what's going on; you'll get away with being alot more ambiguous if you can set it up in a more understandable fashion.

And when they meet
eclectic love
will show to them
these, spoken of.

Nice close. But the final line break didn't seem to make sense to me; it seemed as hough there was a word missing.

Overall I liked it. The word choice was very precise and succinct, which really worked in its favour. However, a few little rough patches need smoothing over first, namely that first line break, which feels a little gimmicky and isn't as effective as it could be.

[TojesDolan]

My pleasure. :)

and I see you're awake surf

GO TO SLEEP