Its all downhill from here. please crit.! thanks.

[liz123]

The artist got what he deserved,
Another punch in the face, another song unheard.

Shut that door, come inside,
The window's open but you run and hide.
When I look in the mirror, time, it moves so slow.
All I need is a picture, just to know, how life's supposed to go.

The nurse waits for her patient to die,
So she can leave, go home while the night's still dry.

Shut that door, come inside,
The window's open but you run and hide.
When I look in the mirror, time, it moves so slow.
All I need is a picture, just to know, how life's supposed to go.

There's no hope for silence, here, anymore,
All I hear are sirens ringing in my ear,
Then, the piano player plays a chord,
and the sinner sings to the Lord.

But God's just having a good day. x3

Is this a song or a story, a poem or a rhyme,
No real words can describe it,
They're just thoughts lost in time.

Is this what life is all about,
The God we worship is hidden out of sight.
Where's my instruction book to live life?
I think I lost it when I died one night.

[TheBigMachine]

Wow. Kudo's on me getting to the end of the song, which is more than can be said for most of the stuff I've been reading lately. Your flow was good. Some of your rhymes are great. Some of your rhymes suck. It's easy to tell the difference between the two - just don't be afraid to admit that something is bad, then change it.

The first couplet is out of place.

Ease up on the comma's. Check the guide at the top of the page. I know there's a thing on line breaks, and there might be something on grammar, I cant remember anymore.

The cliches of the piece come whenever you mention God - use metaphor and simile to avoid this.

That will be all.

[Surf]

Pretty much what Mitch said. the first rhyme was nice; try looking more into half rhymes as the full ones kill it for you.

Also, don't be afraid to drop the rhyming altogether. More often than not, the better lyrics are the ones without conventional rhyming or any rhyming at all.

[DeadReligion]

The rhymes are terrible. Terrible. "God is hidden out of sight" The italicized part seems redundant. It sounds bad too. Other than that, this is pretty good, though.

[Grumpy the Cat]

I liked the beginning and the ending and the middle is alright.

No, seriously. It was pretty good overall. I think the rhyming does kind of detract in that it forces you to compromise some things. I don't think there's anything with having some sections rhymed and some unrhymed.

I've always come out against refrains but I'll admit I've used them too so I can't fault you for that. But I really did like the first and last stanza.

[liz123]

wow, im a poet and i didnt know it. seriously though, some of those rhymes flowed easily while I understand others certainly did not. All of your critisizm's are very much appreciated, thankyou.

I shall edit appropriate chunks on this dated scratchpad of mine, then update here. :)

[Ando!]

No, seriously. It was pretty good overall.

Right back atcha:


It's 1:26 AM and this is all we are our spines are notebook spines noting notes we don't know care why is my head just The Death of a Salseman King Arthur Shakespeare why is our head just letters and numbers and lines depicting we don't understand It's 1:28 AM our hearts are driving to your house in the dark car crashes and friends' funerals complimenting clothes what is this about my eyes are seeing you my fingers can't feel you and I don't know who you are nor do I know care why It''t know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know This is not making any sense It's 1:30 AM and this is my burning out I threw it away because there is nothing profound to say if we die tomorrow what do we do tonight?


It's 1:26 AM and this is all we are our spines are notebook spines noting notes we don't know care why is my head just The Death of a Salseman King Arthur Shakespeare why is our head just letters and numbers and lines depicting we don't understand It's 1:28 AM our hearts are driving to your house in the dark car crashes and friends' funerals complimenting clothes what is this about my eyes are seeing you my fingers can't feel you and I don't know who you are nor do I know care why It's 1:29 AM and this is all we are I don't know when will you take off this mask and let me see your face this doesn't make sense It's 1:30 AM if we die tomorrow what do we do tonight rip out our heart paralyze our spine turn the barrel up and shoot through our head and take off that ****ing mask I don't know care why I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know This is not making any sensehrough our head and take off that ****ing mask I don't know care why I don't know I don't know I don't know I dod numbers and lines depicting we don't understand It's 1:28 AM our hearts are driving to your house in the dark car crashes and friends' funerals complimenting clothes what is this about my eyes are seeing you my fingers can't feel you and I don't know who you are nor do I know care why It's 1:29 AM and this is all we are I don't know when will you take off this mask and let me see your face this doesn't make sense It's 1:30 AM if we die tomorrow what do we do tonight rip out our heart paralyze our spine turn the barrel up and shoot through our head and take off that ****ing mask I don't know care why I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know This is not making any sense It's 1:30 AM and this is my burning out I threw it away because there is nothing profound to say if we die tomorrow what do we do tonight?


It's 1:26 AM and this is all we are our spines are notebook spines noting notes we don't know care why is my head just The Death of a Salseman King Arthur Shakespeare why is our head just letters and numbers and lines depicting we don't understand It's 1:28 AM eath of a Salseman King Arthur Shakespeare why is our head just letters and numbers and lines depicting we don't understand It's 1:28 AM our hearts are driving to your house in the dark car crashes and friends' funerals complimenting clothes what is this about my eyes are seeing you my fingers can't feel you and I don't know who you are nor do I know care why It's 1:29 AM and this is all we are I don't know when will you take off this mask and let me see your face this doesn't make sense It's 1:30 AM if we die tomorrow what do we do tonight rip out our heart paralyze our spine turn the barrel up and shoot through our head and take off that ****ing mask I don't know care why I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know This is not making any sense It's 1:30 AM and this is my burning out I threw it away because there is nothing profound to say if we die tomorrow what do we do tonight?


It's 1:26 AM and this is all we are our spines are notebook spines noting notes we don't know care why is my head just The Death of a Salseman King Arthur Shakespeare why is our head just letters and numbers and lines depicting we don't understand It's 1:28 AM our hearts are driving to your house in the dark car crashes and friends' funerals complimenting clothes what is this about my eyes are seeing you my fingers can't feel you and I don't know who you are nor do I know care why It's 1:29 AM and this is all we are I don't know when will you take off this mask and let me see your face this doesn't make sense It's 1:30 AM if we die tomorrow what do we do tonight rip out our heart paralyze our spine turn the barrel up and shoot through our head and take off that ****ing mask I don't know care why I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know This is not making any sense It's 1:30 AM and this is my burning out I threw it away because there is nothing profound to say if we die tomorrow what do we do tonight?


It's 1:26 AM and this is all we are our spines are notebook spines noting notes we don't know care why is my head just The Death of a Salseman King Arthur Shakespeare why is our head just letters and numbers and lines depicting we don't understand It's 1:28 AM our hearts are driving to your house in the dark car crashes and friends' funerals complimenting clothes what is this about my eyes are seeing you my fingers can't feel you and I don't know who you are nor do I know care why It's 1:29 AM and this is all we are I don't know when will you take off this mask and let me see your face this doesn't make sense It's 1:30 AM if we die tomorrow what do we do tonight rip out our heart paralyze our spine turn the barrel up and shoot through our head and take off that ****ing mask I don't know care why I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know This is not making any sense It's 1:30 AM and this is my burning out I threw it away because there is nothing profound to say if we die tomorrow what do we do tonight?


It's 1:26 AM and this is all we are our spines are notebook spines noting notes we don't know care why is my head just The Death of a Salseman King Arthur Shakespeare why is our head just letters and numbers and lines depicting we don't understand It's 1:28 AM our hearts are driving to your house in the dark car crashes and friends' funerals complimenting clothes what is this about my eyes are seeing you my fingers can't feel you and I don't know who you are nor do I know care why It's 1:29 AM and this is all we are I don't know when will you take off this mask and let me see your face this doesn't make sense It's 1:30 AM if we die tomorrow what do we do tonight rip out our heart paralyze our spine turn the barrel up and shoot through our head and take off that ****ing mask I don't know care why I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know This is not making any sense It's 1:30 AM and this is my burning out I threw it away because there is nothing profound to say if we die tomorrow what do we do tonight?


It's 1:26 AM and this is all we are our spines are notebook spines noting notes we don't know care why is my head just The Death of a Salseman King Arthur Shakespeare why is our head just letters and numbers and lines depicting we don't understand It's 1:28 AM our hearts are driving to your house in the dark car crashes and friends' funerals complimenting clothes what is this about my eyes are seeing you my fingers can't feel you and I don't know who you are nor do I know care why It's 1:29 AM and this is all we are I don't know when will you take off this mask and let me see your face this doesn't make sense It's 1:30 AM if we die tomorrow what do we do tonight rip out our heart paralyze our spine turn the barrel up and shoot through our head and take off that ****ing mask I don't know care why I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know This is not making any sense It's 1:30 AM and this is my burning out I threw it away because there is nothing profound to say if we die tomorrow what do we do tonight?


It's 1:26 AM and this is all we are our spines are notebook spines noting notes we don't know care why is my head just The Death of a Salseman King Arthur Shakespeare why is our head just letters and numbers and lines depicting we don't unde

[Nightvision]

wtf?

gtfo of S&L.