Pessimists Are Just Realists With A Worse Reuptation

[DeadReligion]

Oi. Very rough draft. Merry Christmas.

Pessimists Are Just Realists With A Worse Reputation

Looking straight down
I’m hovering in the air,
The cliff right behind me.
I’m just…waiting to fall.

Emotions fragile like paper,
Sculpted by the finest craftsman.
I’m holding your secrets in my hands,
When will they collapse upon me?

I’m juggling chainsaws with prosthetic arms.
Will one come down on my arm?
That 200 foot fall, is looking good now.
Ten seconds will go by fast, and kill.
Hours go by slow, and merely injure me.
So that I get back up and fall.

I hope I have the strength.
But so many destructive forces,
Crash like…death.
Bad news is worse than you think.

I’m in pain, everyone’s.
I’m just a realist with a worse reputation.

[TheBigMachine]

The first stanza, while not particularly interesting, works. It's nothing special, but nothing bad. However, if you did want to spruce it up, I'd work on the last line. It's a little bit trite.

In stanza two it says "holding your secrets in my hands/when will they collapse upon me". Now Im really just nit picking here, but I think "holding your secrets above my head/too the sky/ or something like that could work better, or perhaps change the collapse upon me line.

Wow, that first line is awesome man. In the second, perhaps a synonym for arm would be good.

And from there I really just loved it. I didnt find anything to nit pick. Good stuff man. Merry christmas.

[DeadReligion]

Too the sky implies I'm sort of giving them up to the sky, I'm trying to say that they're a burden. Thanks for the crit though.

[Grumpy the Cat]

I kind of like it and I would give a more thourough crit, but does anybody know if he's going to be unbanned?

[TheBigMachine]

Hes not actually banned, when people are banned there's a line through their name, instead of under it. He's just being a smart arse.

[DeadReligion]

Lol, he's the first to ask that. Finally someone noticed me *Emo cut n' cry*. No, but seriously, he's the first person to notice it. And now, for that thorough crit please? Also, if I was banned, how would I post? Think about that in the back of your mind whilst critting me.

[Grumpy the Cat]

Looking straight down
I’m hovering in the air,
The cliff right behind me.
I’m just…waiting to fall.


This isn't the part I liked. I'm not crazy about the "hovering" deal and the 'waiting to fall' line sounds cliche to me, but I think I may be biased because of that stupid Rise Against song.


Emotions fragile like paper,
Sculpted by the finest craftsman.
I’m holding your secrets in my hands,
When will they collapse upon me?

Here is enother thing I don't like. The whole fragile paper simile seems kind of boring to me, and the "finest craftsman" isn't much better. Also the last line seems just overly blah to me. Some about "upon" doesn't work for me. I'm not sure what though.


I’m juggling chainsaws with prosthetic arms.
Will one come down on my arm?
That 200 foot fall, is looking good now.
Ten seconds will go by fast, and kill.
Hours go by slow, and merely injure me.
So that I get back up and fall.


This is where it starts to get interesting. I definitely like the first line. I really dig imagery that's kind of out there. The second one is good too except "on my arm" sounds kind of redundant when you just mentioned prosthetic arms. I also like the parts after, especially the use of time, although the syntax is a little uninspiring. I think it was the right idea, though.


I hope I have the strength.
But so many destructive forces,
Crash like…death.
Bad news is worse than you think.

The syntax feels kind of stunted... almost like you're not really using sentences, but I actually think I like that. I also like the last line especially.


I’m in pain, everyone’s.
I’m just a realist with a worse reputation.
[/quote]
I think this is alright. I'm not sure if I understand "everyone's." Was it supposed to be "everyone is" or just possesive? The last line is good though.

[i am the robots]

And from there I really just loved it. I didnt find anything to nit pick. Good stuff man. Merry christmas.

The paper part is confusing and makes little sense... just thought I'd point out flaws to your critique!

[TheBigMachine]

Where?

[Grumpy the Cat]

"Emotions fragile like paper / Sculpted by the finest craftsman"

I think I agree with that. That part stood out to me. Especially since I don't see a conection between "emotions fragile like paper" and sculpture.

[DeadReligion]

By sculpted I just mean made. Emotions are fragile. So's paper, what's to get?

[CabbageStabbage]

Okay, maybe it's Fall Out Boy and/or Panic at the Disco's faults, but I can't stand poem/song titles with long names, especially names that are a full sentence.

Also, the falling metaphor is a giant cliche. Giant.

Also, you're mixing metaphors a lot. I can't tell who's falling on what. That one part stands out as bad:

Emotions fragile like paper,
Sculpted by the finest craftsman.

Paper isn't sculpted.

[TheBigMachine]

Isnt it? I suggest you learn something about art before you make claims like that.

[i am the robots]

Okay, maybe it's Fall Out Boy and/or Panic at the Disco's faults, but I can't stand poem/song titles with long names, especially names that are a full sentence.

Also, the falling metaphor is a giant cliche. Giant.

Also, you're mixing metaphors a lot. I can't tell who's falling on what. That one part stands out as bad:

Emotions fragile like paper,
Sculpted by the finest craftsman.

Paper isn't sculpted.

Shut up about bands that people only cared about for about two weeks.

Band's like Circle Takes The Square have long song titles too dumbass.

[CabbageStabbage]

Okay, the lines:

Emotions fragile like paper,
Sculpted by the finest craftsman.

sound like they're trying to say that the paper itself is sculpted, i.e. the way paper is created is that it is sculpted. Out of trees?

Maybe:

Emotions a paper statue,
Sculpted by the finest craftsman

would be better?

[Angelicrock]

Personally I think the title is the best part of the whole thing. Not that its bad, it just isnt as good as the title.

[DeadReligion]

Ready To Fall is an awesome song. Rise Against Pwns.

[El_Goodo]

Shut up about bands that people only cared about for about two weeks.

Band's like Circle Takes The Square have long song titles too dumbass.

Yea only care about band's no one has ever cared about! ...I also thought of bands like PATD and FOB when I saw the title..*shudders*

[DeadReligion]

Except PATD and FOB suck ***.