Strangled with a Cordless Phone

[Grumpy the Cat]

I know the title's dumb but I just wrote it so I'll probably change it later.


I turned out the lights
It's dark in here and I'm afraid
Your voice comes through the speaker
My head is on the floor
And I'm afraid

Your words might cut me open
Your tongue might suffocate me
My chest might eat me alive
My heart might carve my flesh up

In this green light
I know something's right behind me
In this green light
I feel it breathing on my neck
In the dark

In this green light
I can feel it coming for me
In this green light
"Goodnight" lurks under shadows
In the dark

I hear it growl and I'm afraid
I can see its eyes and I'm afraid
It's staring me down in the dark

It ripped me limb from limb

[The Real El Capitano]

Sounds like SOMEONE is a little emo.....

[i am the robots]

Sounds like SOMEONE is a little emo.....

Don't use the term emo like that, homo.

This is bad. That's all, the title is the worst part.

[Grumpy the Cat]

The closest thing to describe the music would be mathcore I guess. But then again, who cares?

And everybody knows emos don't write songs about cool **** like monsters that kill people.

[DeadReligion]

This is like modern Misfits. It sucks. Sorry. Just bad.

[Surf]

I agree with Eleventeen and DeadReligion.
The word choice and story are dull. there's a distinct lack of engaging imagery metaphor and similie.

And what is mathcore?

Also, please do not use 'emos' in that manner. It is not a noun.

[i am the robots]

Yeah, honestly, we've got a scene kid. Only ones I ever hear say, "emos," and "mathcore."

Mathcore is supposedly trash like DEP.

[Surf]

Ah well. Too many genres with stupid names.

And I think calling a song emo is a bannable offence. At least, if we had a mod.

[i am the robots]

I agree.

[Grumpy the Cat]

It was a joke, you weirdos. Don't take everything so seriously.

[i am the robots]

You suck, go away.

[TojesDolan]

The emotions evoked in the piece are very elemental, almost childish.

That's all I can say at the moment. :/

[i am the robots]

The emotions evoked in the piece are very elemental, almost childish.

That's all I can say at the moment. :/

Evoked? You weirdo!

[TojesDolan]

Oh you quiet you

[Grumpy the Cat]

Man. Everyone on this forum hates me. Good thing I have a life.

[woundedmonkey]

yeah good thing grumpy

[TheBigMachine]

Dude. Just because Eleventeen said you suck doesn't mean we hate you. It means you need to:

A) check the guide at the top of the page
B) read it thoroughly
C) try again at this writing business.

[Grumpy the Cat]

You mean the guide I laughed at the last time I read it because everything is either obvious or cliche and stupid?

How about I just ignore him since it doesn't matter? I like this poem. I like hearing what people have to say about what I write but I don't have to take it seriously. Why would I listen to some idiot who thinks I'm a "scene kid" and thinks the music I like is trash?

I mean, I like posting here; I like seeing what people say about what I write and I like offering my opinion on various works but honestly if I listened to all the "criticism" I got my lyrics would suck.

[Surf]

Why would I listen to some idiot who thinks I'm a "scene kid" and thinks the music I like is trash?

differing perspectives on you stuff i dunno.....

And you calling the guide cliche seems a tad ironic because: a) if it was that obvious then people wouldn't make the mistakes, but they do and b) what you've written here was kind of cliche.

I mean I'm sure I have different tastes in music to Eleventeen and DeadReligion, but we all agreed on aspects that we didn't like.

[Grumpy the Cat]

How was it cliche again? Not saying it wasn't just interested to hear your take on it.

Don't ever get me wrong, of course. I disagree a lot with what you say but I'm still interesting in hearing your perspective.

[Surf]

It's dark in here and I'm afraid

I know something's right behind me

I hear it growl and I'm afraid

I feel it breathing on my neck

In the dark

It ripped me limb from limb

This may as well be an episode of Scooby Doo. All of these lines are cliches in terms of horror writing, and add up to a cumulative clihed effect fom the overall piece. Its not as though you seem to have anything insightful to say (for example, using whatever it is you're talking about as a metaphor) and it just reads like a scary story at its most very basic.

[Grumpy the Cat]

Now there is something that is actually useful. I'll take that into consideration the next time I go over it. I think you're right in that I didn't leave in enough to hint at the meaning behind the metaphor. The only lines that do are "'Goodnight' lurks in the shadows," "your voice comes through the speakers," "my head is on the floor," and "in this green light."

[Grumpy the Cat]

I reworked a lot of it and I'll post it again in case anyone cares. Although I doubt it at this point but what-the-hey.

I turned out the lights
It's dark in here and I'm afraid
Your voice comes through the speaker
My head is on the floor
And I'm afraid, I'm afraid

Its words might cut me open
Its tongue might suffocate me
Its chest might eat me alive
Its heart might carve my flesh up

In this green light...
Its teeth are a seven digit number
In this green light...
It breathes static on my neck
In the dark

In this green light...
Its footsteps are a dialtone
In this green light...
"Goodnight" lurks under the shadows
In the dark

I can see its eyes and I'm afraid
I can hear its voice and I'm afraid
It's hunting me down in the dark

Give me your last regards
Before it does me in
You'll see by the morning
It ripped me limb from limb

[RunAmokRampant]

Mathcore is supposedly trash like DEP.

Coming from someone who digs Korn I think you should shut it. lol


This piece is way too static in its presentation. Too many pronouns (its, I, me)

[sexymuffin]

I reworked a lot of it and I'll post it again in case anyone cares. Although I doubt it at this point but what-the-hey.

I turned out the lights
It's dark in here and I'm afraid
Your voice comes through the speaker
My head is on the floor
And I'm afraid, I'm afraid

Its words might cut me open
Its tongue might suffocate me
Its chest might eat me alive
Its heart might carve my flesh up

In this green light...
Its teeth are a seven digit number
In this green light...
It breathes static on my neck
In the dark

In this green light...
Its footsteps are a dialtone
In this green light...
"Goodnight" lurks under the shadows
In the dark

I can see its eyes and I'm afraid
I can hear its voice and I'm afraid
It's hunting me down in the dark

Give me your last regards
Before it does me in
You'll see by the morning
It ripped me limb from limb


what possessed you to actually believe that saying "i'm afriad" over and over again doesn't sound like a five year old wrote this on a peice of construction paper with crayons?

and just becuase you throw in a bunch of metaphors/similies that don't make any sense doesn't make the piece any better.

"Its heart might carve my flesh up"

like that.

what does that even mean?

[Kif]

The title of this song screams self-loathing emo kid

[i am the robots]

I mean, I like posting here; I like seeing what people say about what I write and I like offering my opinion on various works but honestly if I listened to all the "criticism" I got my lyrics would suck.

Would you rather we sugar coat it?

I'm not gonna lie to you and say you have something to work with if it's absolute ****.

Sorry pal.