Looking Back On My Future

[islamicbob5342]

I know this isn't the most brilliant or poetic piece on this forum- it uses a typical rhyming structure and has an unfortunate lack of big, sexy words- but I'd be really impressed if anyone can decipher the story hidden within the surface of this song.

Looking Back On My Future

here we are it’s been so long
my one and only friend
won’t you give me all the details
tell me how your life has been
do you remember when we were young?
do you think that we were dumb
to live our lives for hopes and dreams of days still to come…

you can find me on the east train
you can find me on the west
i’m a bored and bitter vagrant, only looking for some rest
so tell me will I ever know what my place is in this world?
‘cus being uncertain and lonely is really getting old
but i digress…

‘cus on this final day, as the sunlight fades away
and leaves us naked to the stars
the seconds tick away as silent music plays
to the beat of one still heart

now that you’re out of time
you’ve said your last goodbye
just lend me one last clumsy smile
and tell me that we got it right

does this empty, maudlin fairytale end with a queen beside the throne?
is the moral of this parable that we were never really alone?
because you know something is real when you can’t touch but you can feel
yeah i’m a wreck, a ****ing mess
but there’s a reason why I’m here

'cus on this final day, as i watch you fade away
to find your place among the stars
the hours melt away, i hear the doctor say
“time loves to remind us how small we are”

now that your cup’s run dry
you’re all out of hills to climb
put on a worn but familiar smile
tell me that everything’s alright
maybe it’s true that time does fly
maybe it’s just another lie
but when an ancient mirror returns a clumsy smile
we both know that we got it…

[nazgjunk]

Concerning the message: a quick guess tells me it's about an old man with Alzheimer or something similar. I'm probably completely wrong though.

Who told you a song needs big, sexy words? "Clumsy smile" does the trick for me, and you can hardly call that big and sexy ;). I like this piece very much tbh. I like the fourth stanza, it speaks of a doubt similar to something I'm working on right now.

Giving "negative" critique is quite a hard thing, it would seem. Maybe I'm not good enough to see any problems, maybe there aren't any - as far as I'm concerned it's great.

[islamicbob5342]

Hey thanks a lot. I appreciate it. If you ever put up any lyrics I'll make sure to look at them.

I also changed some of the lyrics.

[slack]

But I digress…I like this. Granted, it doesn't have a lot of depth, but I think it is written well and the rhyme is pretty good overall.

Nice job.

[Dinosawesome]

I totally dig your title.

[islamicbob5342]

All right, time to drop the bombshell (that is, if anyone cares). The theme of the song should be obvious- a younger man, the narrator, asking an older, wiser man for advice and reassurance. The real premise though, as hidden and random as it might be, is this: the younger man is imagining a conversation with a much older version of himself, on his deathbed, and asking the older version of himself to reflect on how his/their life turned out. Hence, the title. To be honest, I tried to make the meaning as obtuse as possible, like some kind of private riddle, with only a few vague hints as to the real story at hand. So hopefully, this places the song in a whole new light :chug:

ps slack, good call with "digress". :thumb:

[Jude]

I know this isn't the most brilliant or poetic piece on this forum- it uses a typical rhyming structure and has an unfortunate lack of big, sexy words- but I'd be really impressed if anyone can decipher the story hidden within the surface of this song.
Hey, typical rhyming structures are not the devil. Bazillions of good songs use them.

Looking Back On My Future

Here we are, it’s been so long
My one and only friend
Won’t you give me all the details
Tell me how your life has been
Do you remember when we were young?
Do you think that we were dumb?
To live our lives for hopes and dreams of days still to come…

First thing that jumped out at me is that one line is the same as the first line of an extremely famous Pink Floyd song :) whenever I see something like that it tends to distract me and make me sort of doubt the song. Not that it's a bad line, I just think it probably strikes other people the same way as me.
I don't think this is a tremendously striking stanza, but I can't find anything really wrong with it.
Oh, I kind of think "dumb" is a word that doesn't really go in a serious song like this...just my opinion. I just am biased against some words in some contexts.

You can find me on the East train
You can find me on the West
I’m a cold and bitter traveler, only looking for some rest
So tell me will I ever know what my place is in this world?
‘Cus being uncertain and lonely is really getting old
But I digress…

I like this stanza, though again I don't think it's super inspired or home to lyrical genius or anything. I especially like the last line, it breaks up the monotony of the rhythm and rhyme scheme.

‘Cus on this final day, as the sunlight fades away
And leaves us naked to the stars
The seconds tick away, as silent music plays
To the beat of one still heart

"Fading light" is a rather commonly used and cliched image. The second line I like, it conveys the image as well as the first and more originally. The "seconds tick away" also seems pretty familiar - used a lot - and I don't really get the rest of this or what it's supposed to be saying. Not that vagueness is necessarily bad, but if it's unintentional it is.

Now that your out of time
You’ve said your last goodbye
Just lend me one last clumsy smile
And tell me that we got it right

*you're - I'm a grammar nazi.
I like the third line a lot. The rest of it didn't really make an impression on me.

Seventy-year-old man,
My future’s in your hands
I’m here ‘cus you’re the only one who knows how this one ends
The air we breath is getting dry
The face before me pale and white
Maybe someday I’ll understand the secrets hidden in your eyes
In your eyes
In those eyes

I like this one. Somewhat ominous and foreboding. I've always hated the often-used image of "things in people's eyes" though.


Now that you’re cup’s run dry
And you’re out of hills to climb
Just flash the same old familiar smile
Tell me that everything’s alright
Maybe it’s true that time does fly
Maybe it’s just another lie
But when an ancient mirror returns a clumsy smile
We both know that we got it….
I like the first three lines especially, and the third-to-last. I dislike the last one, it seems vague and inconclusive to me.

Overall I do like this song. The gripes I've listed are because you have posted this for criticism. Nothing in this absolutely needs to change or is obnoxiously bad though. Like every song it can use improvement, but it doesn't need it to be a solid set of lyrics.

[islamicbob5342]

Now that your out of time
and
Now that you’re cup’s run dry

Thanks for pointing that out. I feel like a retarded 4th grader.

btw i dont listen to pink floyd.

[Jude]

btw i dont listen to pink floyd.
Well, the first line of Shine on You Crazy Diamond, one of their most famous songs, is "Remember when you were young?" That's the first thing that came to my mind when I heard the lyric. As I said, it's a good line but to me it is distracting because it's so similar to something I've heard before.

[TojesDolan]

All right, time to drop the bombshell (that is, if anyone cares). The theme of the song should be obvious- a younger man, the narrator, asking an older, wiser man for advice and reassurance. The real premise though, as hidden and random as it might be, is this: the younger man is imagining a conversation with a much older version of himself, on his deathbed, and asking the older version of himself to reflect on how his/their life turned out. Hence, the title. To be honest, I tried to make the meaning as obtuse as possible, like some kind of private riddle, with only a few vague hints as to the real story at hand. So hopefully, this places the song in a whole new light :chug:

ps slack, good call with "digress". :thumb:
Yeah, I saw that coming.

On a related note, fancy vocabulary can be detrimental a t times, just a fancy word here or there uplifts the quality of a piece.

[islamicbob5342]

Yeah, I saw that coming.

On a related note, fancy vocabulary can be detrimental a t times, just a fancy word here or there uplifts the quality of a piece.

Did you really. That's cool- I'm glad that I didn't make it so it was nearly impossible to figure out.

btw are you telling me that what I need is a few more fancy words?

Edit- Better? :thumb: