2.6

[Grumpy the Cat]

This is really dumb and crappy but I like it anyway. Enjoy it. Tell me what I did wrong.

"2.6"

Thank Mom and Dad for locking you up
Blinding you with electric Christmas lights
Now diabetic candy vines hold your blood vessels tight
They really know how to look out for you

Thank the community for rasing you right
Every voter's got a hand in your personal life
Now it's Bibles, and lawsuits to caress you like a knife
It's takes a village to look out for you

Let's raise our young on a day-time talk show:
Monday -- Asphyxiate the throat so he can't get pnuemonia
Tuesday -- Don't let him watch TV or he'll kill other kids
Wednesday -- Tie the hands in place or he'll shoot up with drugs
Thursday -- Don't let him hear "****" or he'll **** and get sick
By Friday his nightmares will teach him not to think
But he'll be vomiting Psychosis and Dimensia in the sink

Just take him to the doctor to get some medicine
Biochemicial engineering becomes his new best friend

It takes broken bones to do the job right
It takes bloody hands to do the job right
I'm sure the end he'll turn out just fine
But it takes broken bones to do the job right

This will all be worth it when(?)...

Captions on stick-figures who can only smile read
"Mom and Dad, Mom and Dad, I've never felt so safe,
With my limbs shackled up and my head chained in place"

Charming love letter's papercut-wounds bleed
"Mom and Dad, Mom and Dad, I've never felt so free,
With my lungs seized up, not even having to breathe"

Now it's tears of joy when your children cry
"Please don't let me live lest I surely die"

[nazgjunk]

I do hope that this song wasn't inspired by your personal life :/

But indeed, it's not very excellent. There are some nice things (I love the line "By Friday his nightmares will teach him not to think"), but it hasn't got any flow. I might be completely mistaken, as I haven't heard it, but I tend to read lyrics as I would read "ordinary" poetry, which I usually require to have some sort of rythm and flow.

Another point is that you put too much effort in rhyming. I'm not a big fan of rhyme (though one can create wonderful things with it), especially when it's inconsistent like in your third stanza.

[Eliminator]

It's dumb and crappy.

[Grumpy the Cat]

Yeah it's definitely not the kind of thing that comes off elegantly when you read it. It's kind of in the style of older Blood Brothers so basically everything is yelled out very fast over very chaotic music.

[slack]

I don't think it's as bad as others are saying. The third stanza was a bit tedious, and overall some of the imagery was pretty random (caress like a knife), but that's more of a personal nuance with me; I like imagery that is integrated well; for example, "diabetic candy vines". That is excellent.

The title could be better. I interpreted it as a play on the old "2.5 kids" cliche, but it still hasn't connected with this piece specifically. Maybe you're trying to hint at the kid being a sort of third wheel; somebody they don't want around. I don't know.

The other thing I don't like is the overall tone of voice. What I mean is, "Who's speaking?" The first line made me think it's a sibling, but as this went on it became less clear. Is it important? Maybe. Giving the speaker an identifiable personality, a bias if you will, could've made this stronger in my opinion.