Lunar Hospice

[shugzz]

Warm in my room across
Oceans, I breathe in
the earth and the
pastel blue sky.
The sun beats down
lightly on my neck,
And I taste the warmth
of the air.
Life may be a
fight, but it still retains
its beauty and
sometimes I am
lucky enough to
briefly catch a glimpse.
Hanging from a
telephone cord,
I hear that
Someone has snuffed
a sickly failing candle
out, and men in
white uniforms cart a
green zippered bag
into an elevator and
they go
down
down
down
down
down
down
down
to wherever
wasted lives go.

[Electric Riley]

Wow. Just wow. Excellent. You probably only need about 3 "downs" at the end there though. This is different to most stuff on here, and therefore stands out.

Well done.

[nazgjunk]

I can but agree with Electric Riley. Your style is awesome, true poetry. Even though I write poetry myself, I'm hardly ever able to write lyrics in the same style. It's cool to see that some people /are/ able to do that. I do wonder if the line breaks are applied in the music too. If so: awesome, but a bit overdone maybe.

[slack]

I interpreted this as a patient in a hospice basically overhearing a phonecall or news of someone's death, and then the bit at the end is self-explanatory. There's a few things I don't like about this. First, there seems to be a conflict of images at the start where you write, "Warm in my room" and then "The sun beats down lightly on my neck", the latter suggesting that the sun is overhead. Who knows, maybe this person is seated at the window, back turned, and that is how the sun warms his/her neck. I don't know. Needless to say, I think the opening lines could be a little clearer.

In fact, I found the imagery at the beginning (first eight lines) to be a distraction, some of it quite random; pastel blue, for example, which is such a boring and typical description of the sky anyway.

This piece, more than others, needs better imagery. Maybe you could allude to the sun being as bright as a candle's flame, or that the sky's as clear as wax, something to at least tie in with the "sickly failing candle" image.

I agree with the others regarding the repetition of 'down'. Three is sufficient.

To summarise, this piece didn't get interesting until about the middle (line 9), and from there on the end comes too swift. I actually think "Life may be a/fight, but it still retains/its beauty" may be a better way to open.

[shugzz]

The first half would be about the not dead person. And seven has a personal significance, hence the repetition. No music for dis either.

Much love to everyone though, thanks for having a look.