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[factor46]

running in the nude and
our shoes haven't come off yet,
but the forest is as wide as ever tonight.
she was cold.
last night colder;
and i held her so she wouldn't be.
no clouds hid tonight's moon and
none of them were dark;
almost appeared to shine like a mirror for that moon.
we jumped when the sun came up
and danced.


Haven't posted in a long time.
Feel free to comment.

[beso negro]

Wow, that was great.

" running in the nude and
our shoes haven't come off yet "

That grabbed my attention right away.

"(clouds) appeared to shine like a mirror for that moon"

Interesting simile. Though I find it a little perplexing. Looking from the earth at the clouds would be different then looking at them from the moon, you see different sides. So if the cloud was a mirror for the moon, we couldn't tell from the earth. I am probably missing something.

Still, nice work.

[TojesDolan]

DANCE FACTOR DANCE

Awesome. Lovely images, but very factorish. You know how much I bitch about that. There's nothing particularly wrong with it, though. Maybe sixth line, I don't necessarily dig it. I was going to darea nd say it was repetitive, but it's necessary for the while idea to make sense.. maybe play around with the context a little bit more. Also in the end try to connect what you've written so far with what you want to portray. I think that's all I can bitch about. Awesome piece. Come around a bit more!

[Surf]

Come around a bit more!

Shouldn't have laughed at that. Did anyway.

But yeah, this is very nice. Its hard to find fault because its so succinct. You didn't capitalise your 'I': loss of grammar points.
Tojes has already said it, but the sixth line is the only slight weak point. Seems a bit ambiguous and concieted. straighten it out a bit and you'll be set.

Sorry i couldn't have been of more help. Nice writing.

[Sloth]

BYAH!
Nice piece Factor :thumb:

(I'm sorry I can't say anything else)

[TojesDolan]

Old school meetup.

:h5:

[factor46]

Hey guys, thanks for the compliments and comments. I appreciate it. :thumb:
Though I don't quite see how my 6th line was "conceited". Haha.

But thank you again, and I'll try to be back in here a little more often.
I just haven't been writing much.

[Surf]

Conceited was probably too strong a word. I just felt that the 'be' at the end of the lines didn't do much, too much like poetry for poetry's sake if you get what I mean; it sounds good, but the meaning is a bit warped.

Ugh. I've been beaten by the irony of trying to explain what I mean in an incomprehensible way.

[factor46]

It's fine. I get it. :thumb:



Anymore comments?

[RunAmokRampant]

You didn't capitalise your 'I': loss of grammar points

Since when does poetry conform to any grammatical standards? And since there are no capitals in the piece, it remains consistent; I think it gives the piece a more modest and honest tone by having no capitals. I thought it was a great piece although you could refer to the forest again in some form in the end to give it some stronger framework but thats only a suggestion of mine purely based on personal preference. Great stuff.

[i am the robots]

Grammar is for sissies and 8th grade English teachers with lazy eyes.

[Surf]

Once again, irony over the internet fails. I was just pointing out the fact that I couldn't find much to say, so decided to say something about the grammar. You've done it as well; you couldn't find much to say about the actual piece, so the majority of your post is about disagreeing with something the I (jokingly) said.

[RunAmokRampant]

Well I don't see how I could have figured out that you were only joking. Irony doesn't work well over the internet, you're right about that, but sarcasm can end up worse.

[i am the robots]

Once again, irony over the internet fails. I was just pointing out the fact that I couldn't find much to say, so decided to say something about the grammar. You've done it as well; you couldn't find much to say about the actual piece, so the majority of your post is about disagreeing with something the I (jokingly) said.

but nobody actually took the post seriously...

[Surf]

Ok then. Thank you for your time Eleventeen.

[i am the robots]

You are welcome for my time, Surf.

[TojesDolan]

Guys would you mind not fighting...?

PLease? :(

[factor46]

Thanks guys, for enjoying the use of my thread for argument.


I appreciate any helpful commentary mixed in that mess.

Anymore critique is welcome.
:thumb:

[Eliminator]

running in the nude and
our shoes haven't come off yet,
but the forest is as wide as ever tonight.

First thing you should do with this is take out the 'and'. It's prett unecessary. Okay enough lines I guess, even though it seems like you're talking about sex. If so then it's pretty bad.

she was cold.
last night colder;
and i held her so she wouldn't be.

She was cold. You could probably do a lot more with that with other adjectives or descriptions. "And I held her so she wouldn't be" just doesn't seem right. That last line needs to go or be changed the most.

no clouds hid tonight's moon and
none of them were dark;
almost appeared to shine like a mirror for that moon.
we jumped when the sun came up
and danced.

This is pretty much my least favorite thing in this. The first three lines are really awkward and don't really flow, and especially sound repetitive with using "moon" twice. The third line doesn't need "like a mirror for that moon" pretty much. The last two pretty much come out of nowhere and don't fit the mood of the piece at all.

[factor46]

Some people have different styles of writing.

Thank you.