Stars

[TheWoodenSlug]

Hi all. Posted this one a while back however just recently decided that changes had to be made. This is a much re-worked version. Let me know what you think.


Stars


Share with me this September sunset
As the last of the sun's warmth is swept away
The fireflies dance now, drawn by your incandescence
Forming constellations we can only hope to unerstand one day

As lucid scarlett bleeds through melting orange
Forget for a moment that necrotic black will soon metastasize
And all will evanesce as the sun surrenders to the moon
Thank God for the bouquet of burning, golden stars

That pastel green, which hung so delicate from your shoulder
Falls away, in perfect grace, from it's vanilla canvas
Softened by the dim light escaping the flickering candles
Which mirror your eyes, and two new stars are birthed tonight

Blow out the flames, waltzing atop deformed limbs of wick and wax
I'll use my fingertips to navigate your shivering body
With our naked bodies entwined beneath lilac linen
Where we'll lay, until we join the moon's army of stars



Well that's it. All crits welcome and appreciated. Thank you for your time.

[Sloth]

I remember reading this the first time you posted it.
I really like what you've done with it. :thumb:


(this isn't helpful, I know..sorry)

[TheWoodenSlug]

Haha. Cheers mate. Maybe not helpful, but nice none the less.

[Nightvision]

This was okay, but it felt like you were trying too hard. I've only ever used the word 'incandescant' or one of it's variants in one piece, and I was trying far too hard to impress in that piece. I get the feeling you were doing the same here.
You're doing a lot of descriptive work, particularly using and describing colours, in fact, so much so that it feels overdone - some things have to be left to the reader's mind, otherwise you're just spoonfeeding them words.

Oh, and "metastasize" - did you really seriously think that was going to look good in the middle of your piece? :-/

Seriously though, this isn't bad, and your crimes aren't the worst by a long shot. My recommendation is to tone down the descriptiveness a notch or two, and put away the thesaurus. :)

[TheWoodenSlug]

Hey thanks for the crit.

To be honest I did fear that this might come across as if I was trying too hard. And while it contains a few words I wouldn't often, if ever, use in everyday speech, I chose them for poetic purposes, such as the word "incandescence" which I find to be a truly beautiful word, which is why I chose to use it to express beauty. The other word you mentioned, "metastasize," was chosen because it is an ugly word, with an ugly meaning. It also helps to express the underlying message in this song, that the subject is dying (of cancer as it were, hence the use of metastasize.) I'll admit to pulling out the old thesaurus on one occasion - finding an alternative for "crimson" which became "scarlett" in the opening of the second stanza.

P.S Please don't think that I'm dismissing your opinion because I can definately see what you mean, I am merely trying to justify some of the words I used. If they still feel out of place now that you understand why I chose them, please let me know and I'll see what I can do to rectify them. Thanks again for your crit.

P.P.S Expect a crit on your piece tomorrow.

[GorgeousGabe]

Heh- what Nightvision said.

that being said, the purpose of a song- or... I should say, one purpose of a song- is to tell a story, or to create an image, and this does exactly that. It creates a great image. I can't figure out the meter or the phrasing though- guess I'd have to hear it out loud.