Can You See The Shadows?

[TheBigMachine]

Can You See The Shadows?

Something is wrong.
My shadow's not solid.
It's grey around the edges -
Something is wrong.
My mind is letting go,
My sanity is slowly eroding
Weathered from the storm,
And the storm water taste like
Stale blood in my unsuspecting mouth,
Yes, my mind, grey around the edges;
Something is wrong.

And in this hollow hall, the ice cavern
Where the stacalites are chandaliers.
I journey deep into the recess' of clouded clarity,
Of false reality; it's all just imagination, yet
There's still not even a window, a painting
Just the boom of a discoloured and opaque horizon,
Rapidly approaching
I'll stand and wait, with closed arms but open eyes,
There's not much time left...

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Yet another piece where I know there's potential, but I need a push to help me get there. Please do :)
All crit's will be returned.

[Bub]

Can You See The Shadows?

Something is wrong.
My shadow's not solid.
It's grey around the edges -
Something is wrong.

Wasn't too fond of any of this. I've read ahead, and I can see why you put it, but this could do with being a lot less concrete. A bit too blunt, even for the approach you were going for. Plus reading through, I'm not sure "shadow" suits it, its as if you've merged two different poems

My mind is letting go,

I felt this was wholly unnecessary, especially with the repetition of "my" in the next line

My sanity is slowly eroding
Weathered from the storm,
And the storm water taste like
Stale blood in my unsuspecting mouth,
Yes, my mind, grey around the edges;
Something is wrong. But this, is great. The third line just needs a tweak on the "storm waters taste" or "storm water tastes, and with the last two lines here I feel a bit of sympathy for the first half of the stanza...but it still doesn't seem right. You need to find a way of saying the first half of the stanza without saying "mind", so it has a lot more of an effect here. IMO :)

And in this hollow hall, the ice cavern
Where the stacalites are chandaliers. Nice. "Stalactites"
I journey deep into the recess' of clouded clarity,
Of false reality; it's all just imagination, yet and this is very nice.
There's still not even a window, a painting is the word "still" necessary? Sounds better without it, to me
Just the boom of a discoloured and opaque horizon,
Rapidly approaching this image here is fantastic. discoloured and opaque horizon. I love the image, but not too sure on the way its said. I think its the "and"...I don't know, sorry, it just doesn't seem right, despite bringing up a wonderful picture
I'll stand and wait, with closed arms but open eyes,
There's not much time left... good ending, try and find a way to connect the penultimate line to the last line. Seems a bit out of the blue, as it is

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Yet another piece where I know there's potential, but I need a push to help me get there. Please do :)
All crit's will be returned.

Definitely potential, but you've met a great deal of it already. I like this piece, but it gives the feeling that somethings missing, that this is only half of the story, and whilst I like the idea of the beginning (sounding like its a snippet of time, rather than beginning a story and setting the scene,you're assuming we don't need that - which is true and I like it) I don't think you've pulled it off right now. Its the ending that makes me feel "so...what happened?" what was all that imagery FOR? Might be jsut me though, see what your other critiquers have to say :)

And my name's Robert, pleased to meet you :thumb: lol, "Bub" isn't used in England as a word, so it works as a nickname for me. Oh, you can give my old one Desert Rain another look, I've posted another draft. Cheers!

[Sloth]

Something is wrong.
My shadow's not solid.
It's grey around the edges -
Something is wrong.
My mind is letting go, I think you can keep the first two lines, but the rest you should change. Expand on what it means for your shadow to not be solid and why that's a problem. What does it mean for it to be gray around the edges.


My sanity is slowly eroding
Weathered from the storm,
And the storm water taste like
Stale blood in my unsuspecting mouth,
Yes, my mind, grey around the edges;
Something is wrong. Why would this "problem" make your mind erode? You keep saying these seemingly problematic things and end with "something is wrong." And the "gray around the edges" idea can be taken wrong by the reader and think you're talking about "the silver lining" and wonder why that's bad.


And in this hollow hall, the ice cavern
Where the stacalites are chandaliers.
I journey deep into the recess' of clouded clarity,
Of false reality; it's all just imagination, yet
There's still not even a window, a painting So you're in a hall, glad this didn't come up earlier. That first line can EASILY be changed, the 2nd line can stay if you correct the spelling. I like "clouded clarity" just because it flows well, the rest is too... "blah!" I think for what's going on to work, you need to "pretty it up" (haha) with peculiar adjectives something more abstract. And why do you expect a window or a painting. Maybe there should be one. Have it be a specific image, a catalyst to the "I" in the piece that shows something about the him, or what's going on.


Just the boom of a discoloured and opaque horizon,
Rapidly approaching
I'll stand and wait, with closed arms but open eyes,
There's not much time left... I like "boom" but think you can easily cut out the filler words like "just the, of a, and" and maybe change "discolored" and "horizon" to something else. They're fine, but I think the line can be more effective if you change that stuff. Why is this approaching horizon bad? You haven't addressed it. You said something's wrong, but not why it's wrong.

Overall, I think you've got potential, but you need to change a lot for it to be effective and for the reader to really get what's going on in your head

[TheBigMachine]

Thanks guys, Im going to start editting on monday. It's going to be a busy weekend. Bump