Wallfly

[Aryl7]

Wallfly
Every glass is half empty in this place tonight
As lovers drink in the neon lights and cheap wine
She whispers, “It’s too cold outside to cry, my friend”
A fly on the wall slowly answers:
“Tears don’t portray the message I wish to send”

The cup is my gallows on this frozen night
Revenge beats the drum; my fist on the cold table
But tranquil melodies reach this fly before the angry fortes
As the pianist in the corner sells sorrow’s sweet, sweet song
His dancing fingers hang my longings on ivory keys
Calming, at least for the moment, the rapid fluttering of my wings
Glasses are still half empty in this place tonight
As lovers drown in the neon lights and cheap wine
She whispers, “It’s too cold outside to cry, my friend”
A fly on the wall, I slowly answer:
“Tears aren’t the only vessels used to signify the end.”

[TheBigMachine]

Every glass is half empty in this place tonight
As lovers drink in the neon lights and cheap wine
She whispers, “It’s too cold outside to cry, my friend”
A fly on the wall slowly answers:
“Tears don’t portray the message I wish to send”

Ok, so while the first line is good, I feel that instead of using 'in this place' you could use 'here'. Personally, I just think it works better, in the sense that through using less words your portraying in a new way how the glasses are empty. The structure of line two is slighty awry I feel? It takes a few reads to catch the drift of, that's all. The rest is excellent.

The cup is my gallows on this frozen night
Revenge beats the drum of my fist on the cold table
But tranquil melodies reach this fly before the angry fortes
As the pianist in the corner sells sorrow’s sweet, sweet song
His dancing fingers hang my longings on ivory keys
Calming, at least for the moment, the rapid fluttering of my wings
Glasses are still half empty in this place tonight
As lovers drown in the neon lights and cheap wine
She whispers, “It’s too cold outside to cry, my friend”
A fly on the wall, I slowly answer:
“Tears aren’t the only vessels used to signify the end.”

OH EM GEE!! Dude, this is some skilled writing here. The first one was good, and with only a few naggling things, but this, I see no really obvious flaws. Im sure surf or someone will come and tell you otherwise (:p it's a compliment surf[if you see this]) but yeah superb stuff. Great tweak on the repetition at the end there as well.

[Surf]

Well, now I pretty much have to find something; my reputation is on the line.

I thought this was very good. I won't bother outlining everything you did well, as I can't be bothered, but it was alot.

A few issues the I did have:

Tears don’t portray the message I wish to send
The word portray doesn't flow as well as it should. Great idea, but try a synonymn instead.

Revenge beats the drum of my fist on the cold table
Would this line make more sense as:
Revenge beats the drum; my fist on the cold table
Rather than make your fist the drum (which doesn't quite fit), make your fist the thing beating it. Just seems to make more sense in the metaphor.

I agree with Mitch about the first line.
in this place tonight
Seems very bland; non-descriptive. Maybe not replace it with 'here', but try to make it more emotive. Try including just an adjective to make it more imagatic (not sure whether that's a word, I just didn't want to say descriptive again)

But overall these are minor points. Its a very well written poem. Well done.