Perfect Sinner

[deflepp0925]

k i edited and if anyone wants to see original, refer to quotes at bottom

Verse One
You started at the bottom, and worked your way down
Your mommy died when you were just 15 and your deadbeat dad had long left town
Found a way to vent your pain and support your family
Does that mean crime is justified in your illusion of immortality

CHORUS
Perfect Sinner
Slowly slipping out of light
Perfect Sinner
Cuz doin' it for them makes it alright (his siblings left behind)
Perfect Sinner
Do good intentions save your soul
You're the perfect sinner
As you cast aside what you used to know

VERSE 2
Youre the perfect sinner, wanted all over town,
They call you the monarch of true crime, city's your kingdom needle's your crown
You never thought it'd get this far but you some how lost control
livin' a double life at home and ignorance is your greatest foe

solo
BRIDGE
Big city nights have taken their toll, can you take it anymore
wanted by cops, wanted by gangs, as you kill yourself nice and slow
You're quickly falling apart, and that cuts you like a knife
the truth's a bitch, when its the thing to reveal your double life

1'st chorus x1

Perfect Sinner
Ruled the city streets
Perfect Sinner
Send hate and fear through whoever you'd meet
Perfect Sinner
Addiction took it's toll
On the perfect sinner
Good intentions couldn't save your soul

PLEASE COMMENT

[Surf]

one song a day please

You started at the bottom
and worked your way down
Your mommy died when you were just fifteen
and your deadbeat dad already left town
You thought you had the answer,
To support your family
By dealin out X in the alleyway
But you won't get rich that way

talk about being blunt. there's not much going on in the way of song writing here, it sounds like a news report as opposed to a piece of creative writing. i don't ask that you del exclusivly in metaphor, but a bit of sophistication would be nice, just to add some depth, something beyond the initial (pretty boring) storyline. the use of 'way' at the end of the last two lines doesn't work very well. there's not much attention paid to the tenses; lines three and four seem set in different time zones. please put a 'g' at the end of 'dealin'. its not so bad in normal posting, but when you want people to crit something you've written, it doesn't look too impressive; if you're going to post work, at least take the time to use correct spelling, all half a second it would take to implement. in terms of plot, the character is introduced to harshly. the character's failings are thrust straight into the limelight, as well as a pretty basic attempt at creating sympathy for said character. try introducing people or the song itself with a related metaphor, possibly imagery, something to ease the listener into the character, rather than throw it in their face.


Perfect Sinner
King of the City at night
Perfect Sinner
Because doing it for them makes it alright
Perfect Sinner
Your monthly salary is pain
You're the perfect sinner
Soon you'll lose this dirty game

not great. the fourth line is particularly poor, its a bit of a mess. the end gets very melodramatic and veers alot towards cliche. the phrase perfect sinner is repeated too often; so much so that it loses effect. the second line is interesting, and the centrepoint in terms of originality. try picking up the rest of the chorus until its this kind of level.

You're the perfect sinner
Wanted all over town
They call you the monarch of true crime
City's your kingdom, needle's your crown
None of that matters anymore cuz your gang is doin fine,
But you're not as strong as you think my friend
The ways of the hood have perverted your mind
But everything's alright for you
Ya think your family's safe and secure
But while you're out dealin another hit
Swat's gettin ready to bust your door

again, not great. the rhyming is better here, its not too forced and its more subtle, which works in its favour. however, some of the words sound both out of place and awkward. line three especially seems like a means to an end as opposed to a true artistic epression; like you were trying to think of another way to say what you meant and it came out sounding poor. there are many of the problems of the first verse, i.e. very basic writing. without devices such as metaphor, imagery and so on there isn't much depth, not much for the reader to latch onto and draw them in. without the devices its not engaging.

Big City Nights, have taken their toll,
wanted by cops, wanted by gangs, danger lurks in every corner,
You think that you're invincible but i know you're going down
The only friends that you have left, are layin' in a gutter or sittin in a cell

this is more interesting, not great, but better. the longer lines help give you room to explore the image/idea a bit more. however, there's still a lack of metaphor etc, and hence a lack of depth.


Perfect Sinner
Used to be the king of the streets
Perfect Sinner
Sending hate and fear through everyone you'd meet
Perfect Sinner
The true crime monarch of the town
perfect Sinner
Is now layin six feet underground

pretty much read the comments for the chorus above.


overall, not great. it may sound harsh, but its better that i point out where you're going wrong than i praise you for writing something not so good. the main problem is a lack of depth. this is created through uses things like metaphor, engaging characters, imagery etc etc. if you need help with these, or even if you don't, check out the s&l writing guide. there's lots of great advice that will help improve your writing no end.

[deflepp0925]

i didn't know there was a limit to songs...
anyway thanks this is one of my first songs, i have written others since but i am not surprised at some of the crit you gave. it is still kind of in draft form so i wasn't going for perfection now but thanks, yeah id rather hear the truth. ill try to be more indirect

[slack]

Hm. This reminded me of Ballad of Big Nothing by Elliott Smith. He alludes to the same subject by calling it candy, whereas you basically lay it out there. I think since this topic, this "storyline", has been done so often, you've got to try to find a fresher way to write about. For example, there's an aspect of this you totally ignored, which could've been interesting. You refer to the character as the perfect sinner, effectively passing judgment on him and introducing a religious component that you never again revisit. Well, why?

I just think it's odd. You talk about sin, and then never even touch on any religious themes or imagery. Just to give you some ideas, you could be drawing comparisons between the main character and Jesus, and putting a majorly ****ed up, positive spin on this.

[deflepp0925]

thnx for the suggestions
however, the point was never intended religious. it basically refers to our main character believing that even through evil acts, anything is justifiable when it comes to taking care of his family
however the religious twist idea could work like i said this is still in draft form, i am always open to great change ideas