Take my hand

[Jude]

I just wrote these words out of some stuff that was sitting in my mind for the past few days. It's really raw and unrevised and pretty cathartic I guess. I realized the title and even the melody I had in my head for the title line was sort of ripped from a Pineapple Thief song, but there's not really any similarity between the two songs besides that.

There are still a few lines I don't like and even that are sort of filling space until I think of something better - especially the fourth line of the first stanza, but that's how it goes. I even think the lyrics are incomplete...the jump from the second verse to the third is more sudden than I wanted but as I said, this was pretty much stream of consciousness.

Here it is...

_____________________

Everything inside your world delights you
and nothing from the dark can ever touch you
What's to come is what has always been
A perfect place to live

Take my hand
and I will hang on helplessly

I live outside the orbit
of the brilliant star that lights you
And what you have that I don't
Would touch me if I reached you

Take my hand
I will drag you down
I will hold you under

Does anything ever seem to delight you?
Is nothing but the dark all around?
Do you fear what will become of you now?
Did your perfect world let you down?

If you're ever getting further
and your days start getting shorter
If your sun goes down forever
Will you turn to me and will you
take my hand
I will pull you along
I will keep you steady
if you're stumbling

If your faith is ever failing
and the sun goes down forever
and if all the things you thought
you had for certain are forgotten
And you see in your reflection
everything you ever wanted
and you decide to dive
and to stay forever under

Take my hand
I will drag you from the water
wash it all away forever
and you'll sit outside the orbit
and stare in

____________________



Thanks for your opinions.

[Surf]

Everything inside your world delights you
and nothing from the dark can ever touch you
What's to come is what has always been
A perfect place to live

quite a good introduction. the 'and' at the start of the second line is redundant. the thrid line seems too ambiguous for its own good. try to be more descriptive, more specific, less abstract. last line is good.


Take my hand
and I will hang on helplessly

good bit of alliteration. but does this really need to stand alone? there doesn't seem to be enough here to justify its won stanza. the idea is interesting, maybe build it up with a few more lines.


I live outside the orbit
of the brilliant star that lights you
And what you have that I don't
Would touch me if I reached you

again with the overly abstract third line. you need nouns, something to latch onto; right now its a bit wishy washy and nondescript. the third line needs focus basically. not too sure about the repeated 'you' at the end of lines two and four; a subtle rhyme would work better here.

Take my hand
I will drag you down
I will hold you under

not so good. a bit cliche, a bit melodramatic. there's no aliteration here that made the first 'short verse' work. it needs something to bring it alive a bit more, something a bit more original; imagery, metaphor, yadda yadda.

Does anything ever seem to delight you?
Is nothing but the dark all around?
Do you fear what will become of you now?
Did your perfect world let you down?

too simplistic. there's no complication - and thusly no depth - to the words; they are what they are and nothing more. try phrasing a question using a metaphor, just to try and work something more poetic into the verse.

If you're ever getting further
and your days start getting shorter
If your sun goes down forever
Will you turn to me and will you
take my hand
I will pull you along
I will keep you steady
if you're stumbling

If your faith is ever failing
and the sun goes down forever
and if all the things you thought
you had for certain are forgotten
And you see in your reflection
everything you ever wanted
and you decide to dive
and to stay forever under

these two verses are really too similar, same kind of writing, much the same words, and not entirely necessary. if you were to remove some of the filler, then there would be one good verse, as opposed to two boring ones. the word choice is slightly lacking as well. i'm not suggestive that every word be a five syllable latin derivative, but its nice to have something a bit complex, something to chew over.


Take my hand
I will drag you from the water
wash it all away forever
and you'll sit outside the orbit
and stare in

this is a good close, however there a a few things i'd change. firstly, drop the 'and' from the start of the penultimate line, replace it with a semi colon at the end of the third. the syntax of the third line is lacking. putting 'forever' at the end doesn;t work as well as if it were embedded in the line more. try rearranging the line.


overall there's good bits and bad bits. with some editing though, there's definitely promise here. cut some of the filler and refine the word choice a bit and it'll be all the better for it.

[Jude]

Allow me to bump with a revision. I can't say I agreed with all your suggestions Surf but they were very helpful, thanks.

Still very raw. I didn't do that much changing to the existing verses, but I deleted one and added two more, most significantly, as well as combining the choruses.
_____________________

Everything inside your world delights you
nothing from the dark can ever touch you
nothing ever changes from the way it ever was
Round the same old perfect circle your life goes

I live outside the orbit
of the brilliant star that lights you
but the things you have that I don't
Would touch me if I reached you

Take my hand
I will drag you down
I will hold you under
as I hang on helplessly

The first time that our hands touched
Did you feel a distance closing?
Did you see how small your star is
when you reached outside your world of perfect things?

A moment of clarity can strike you terribly
A sudden glimpse into the dark outside
In a second, your innocence, smashed like a window
can let the cold wind from outside whirl in

Take my hand
I will pull you along
I will keep you steady
if you're stumbling

If your faith is ever failing
and the sun goes down forever
and if all the things you thought
you had for certain are forgotten
And you see in your reflection
everything you ever wanted
and you decide to dive
and to stay forever under

Take my hand
I will drag you from the water
wash it all away forever
and you'll sit outside the orbit
and stare in

____________________

[deflepp0925]

pretty good, i think it definitely has potential, i really enjoyed it

[TojesDolan]

Someone's been listening too much porcupine tree lately...

:upset:


Everything inside your world delights you
nothing from the dark can ever touch you
nothing ever changes from the way it ever was
A perfect place to live

Too many "you's": Nice intro, you could leave a little more to imagination.

I live outside the orbit
of the brilliant star that lights you
but the things you have that I don't
Would touch me if I reached you


I like the idea of using orbits, not very usual and certainly nice, but just tweak the rest of the stanza to fit the spatial context.

Take my hand
I will drag you down
I will hold you under
as I hang on helplessly

Very meh.

EDIT: I'll continue later

[islamicbob5342]

I hate to say it- 'cus I really wanted to give you a real critique- but I loved it. It's not perfect, but it is written impressively and surprisingly insightful. The "orbit" thing is great and unique, and I like how the characters switch places halfway through.

I will say this though- I actually liked this line from the original a lot
Take my hand
and I will hang on helplessly
and don't know why you felt the need to change. Sure it's short, but it's also extremely effective.

I also liked the dual stanzas towards the end of the first version which you simplified down to one stanza in the revised version. It might not be as concise lyrically but it makes for a better climax I think (though I cant say for sure having never heard it with music)

-btw you said my song was vague in some places. i posted an explanation of the real meaning of the song if it helps, as well as why i kept it purposely vague. :thumb:

[Jude]

Thanks for the crit. I usually make my lyrics purposely vague, which is why I said that's not necessarily bad...vagueness IS bad if you don't mean it to be there, since it just confuses. On the other hand, some writers, like Steven Wilson, use vagueness to create lyrics that anyone can impose their own meanings on. Best example is In Absentia...he wrote a concept album about serial killers, but because of the artful vagueness of the lyrics, most of the songs can easily be taken as being about things completely different.

I originally had the choruses increase in size each time - the first was just the two lines, the second was three, but the more I looked at it the more I agreed with Surf and thought it was better to combine them. I think the meaning is conveyed just as well now if not better.

I took out the "if you're ever getting further" stanza because I thought it was repetitive both in what it was saying and in the words themselves.

I didn't intend it to seem the characters were switching places, actually, though that's an interesting take. I meant it to mean the "you" was ending up in the same position as the "I" ("outside the orbit" that is), which makes it sort of a cycle.

Thanks for the input.

[Surf]

I like the edit alot, I think it works alot better now.

from outside whirl in
Whirl doesn't have the effect you seem to be going for, it doesn't seem powerful enough if you catch my drift. Try rushed in or something similar, just to try and tie it in better with 'smashing' from the previous line.

the brilliant star that lights you
For some reason, this line seems unfinished. Just putting 'up' on the end of the line would seem to round it off. Or more effectively you could try modifier - 'you, Vividly' or something similar would work.

Other than that, there's not much I can find. Well done with the edit.

[Jude]

Yeah, the "whirl" line is bugging me...I couldn't think of anything better though. I'll change it eventually. Thanks for this post too.

[i am the robots]

Everything inside your world delights you
nothing from the dark can ever touch you
nothing ever changes from the way it ever was
Round the same old perfect circle your life goes

I'd take out the you in the first line and maybe change it to "is delightful" or something... I dunno, it seems odd.


I live outside the orbit
of the brilliant star that lights you
but the things you have that I don't
Would touch me if I reached you

I do not like this part at all... it's so, no offense, but corny... the thought is good, but the wording is off.


Take my hand
I will drag you down
I will hold you under
as I hang on helplessly

I like how you use something that's normally used positively like take my hand and turn it into something negative... very nice, however I think the "as I hang on helplessly" is un-needed.


The first time that our hands touched
Did you feel a distance closing?
Did you see how small your star is
when you reached outside your world of perfect things?

I like this verse, but the star idea is kind of mehr, I say different imagery, the star thing is too fairy tale.

A moment of clarity can strike you terribly
A sudden glimpse into the dark outside
In a second, your innocence, smashed like a window
can let the cold wind from outside whirl in

perfect


Take my hand
I will pull you along
I will keep you steady
if you're stumbling


stumbling seems out of place, not by meaning, but by the way it sounds... maybe "As you stumble"?

If your faith is ever failing
and the sun goes down forever
and if all the things you thought
you had for certain are forgotten
And you see in your reflection
everything you ever wanted
and you decide to dive
and to stay forever under

the last you is unnecessary, otherwise great.


Take my hand
I will drag you from the water
wash it all away forever
and you'll sit outside the orbit
and stare in

again, the star/orbit analogy type thing just isnt working for me.

As I said before, the piece has a good idea to it, it just needs work.

[Jude]

I'd take out the you in the first line and maybe change it to "is delightful" or something... I dunno, it seems odd.

I see what you mean, I'll give it some thought.


I do not like this part at all... it's so, no offense, but corny... the thought is good, but the wording is off.
What don't you like about the wording?


I like how you use something that's normally used positively like take my hand and turn it into something negative... very nice, however I think the "as I hang on helplessly" is un-needed.
Thanks, I liked the idea too. I think the last line completes the thought, though. It's supposed to show that the speaker is not intentionally being malicious toward the other character, which is not really shown otherwise.
Then again, I kind of wanted that to be ambiguous. Again I'll give it some thought.



I like this verse, but the star idea is kind of mehr, I say different imagery, the star thing is too fairy tale.
Suck it up. It's central to the song :p


stumbling seems out of place, not by meaning, but by the way it sounds... maybe "As you stumble"?
Good point. I think that does sound better...I'll think about changing it.



the last you is unnecessary, otherwise great.
It's there to fill out the rhythm, really. I do agree it could be worded better though.

Thanks for your post.

[i am the robots]

I'll deal with it because at least you can keep a central theme other than a self-symbolizing underlying theme :p.

The part I didn't like the wording was... you guessed it, the star thing.

I'll shut up now :D.