Dorian Grey

[FunknPunk]

Hey. So i wrote this song for my girlfriend to sing, it's called Dorian Grey.
(for those of you who are unfamiliar with Oscar Wilde's book "The Portrait of Dorian Grey", the story is about a youthful young man who wishes to live forever. his friend paints a portrait of him. The quirk is that while Dorian himself does not age, the portrait ages. There is, of course, more to Wilde's novel, and it makes for an excellent read. i recommend.)

Oh! My pitied illusion
Of sex and cheap cologne
Play to cliché; my tourism
Would blind me had I but known

This gasoline and vasoline
Will play for me again
My double-deuce, my anarchist
Bitter herbs requite a stronger end

Your pallid face screams anguish
Red skies frame your contorted head
Turmoil, doubt; O, but for Dorian Grey
My skin sets sex on the bed

Ash still falls from our cigarette
Jacket zipped; colored fabric dyes
Wearing thin, our guilty amusements
Soaked to the bone in compromise

For your sardonic pleasure
I’ll have my neck twisted out of spite
You live to be somnambulistic;
To paint this picture in black and white

And so now all those memories
In negatives of black and white
Live forever in a sordid snuff film
A haunting Grey in the blinding lights

Oh no amount of money
Would seduce like immortality
This bitter pill I take today
Do me well to set me free
My Picasso hangs in the mirror
This wasted, poor fatality
You lay as Dorian Grey
Etching your lines into my face


It would be excellent if i could get some criticism back for this; i'm supposed to get her the literature by next weekend, so any revisions/opinions that people have on this would really make my song-writing experience better.

Thanks in advance, and i'll crit-for-crit

[Grumpy the Cat]

Man this is what I'm talking about. There is some good stuff in here. Some of the symbolism and imagery I think is just top-notch, excellently concieved and executed. I also liked the way most of it was arranged but one thing I'm not a fan of is the use of kind of "fancy" words. I don't know if you talk like that in real life but where do you get off trying to sneak in "somnambulistic" in a poem? The only reason I know what that means is because of the Cabinet of Dr. Caligari.

Still great job.

[FunknPunk]

It seemed to be the only word that described what i wanted to write. I agree that it is an..awkward word; and that it probably looks like i'm just trying to be intellectual, but "you live to be a sleep walker" is even more awkward. and tedious. But THANKS for the crit! Any time i can return the favor..

[Grumpy the Cat]

Yeah I can see where you're coming from. And sometimes crazy words like that just give the song a more exotic feel. I really only used that one because it was one that stood out the most but I don't think it's really the worst case since as far as "big" words go it has more of an obscure feeling than a pretentious one.

[Octavius]

I love it. It has a very Wildean feel to it. Well done

[Surf]

first things first, *Dorian Gray. it is a character's name after all.


Oh! My pitied illusion
Of sex and cheap cologne
Play to cliché; my tourism
Would blind me had I but known

first two lines are good. the 'oh!' seems a bit over the top, but i realise its about the atmosphere you're trying to create. the third line is also good, but loses its effect thanks to the next line. atmosphere or not, the last line reads awkwardly and doesn't make a whole heap of sense. you would be better to check out the syntax and try simpler way of expressing yourself.

This gasoline and vasoline
Will play for me again
My double-deuce, my anarchist
Bitter herbs requite a stronger end

this isn't so good. the last two lines are ok, but the first seems to reliant on the internal rhyme.

Your pallid face screams anguish
Red skies frame your contorted head
Turmoil, doubt; O, but for Dorian Grey
My skin sets sex on the bed

much better, but maybe a bit melodramatic? take out the 'o' and it should set the tone alot better.

Ash still falls from our cigarette
Jacket zipped; colored fabric dyes
Wearing thin, our guilty amusements
Soaked to the bone in compromise

best verse here. not much to say to be honest, i like the imagery, the metaphors are good. nice writing.

For your sardonic pleasure
I’ll have my neck twisted out of spite
You live to be somnambulistic;
To paint this picture in black and white

>google>define:somnambulistic>aahhh....

there has to be a better way of sleep walking, the current way is too complicated and leans towards pretentious. also, too many pronouns which jumble up the flow.


And so now all those memories
In negatives of black and white
Live forever in a sordid snuff film
A haunting Grey in the blinding lights

i don't like this verse much. not sure what it is, but it seems a bit obvious. its trying too hard in some places, and in others, not hard enough. the play on words in the last line is good, but obvious - would you describe skies as grey otherwise? not really, because its a dull description. 'sordid snuff' is trying to hard to grab my attention, but it doesn't fit the tone very well at all.


Oh no amount of money
Would seduce like immortality
This bitter pill I take today
Do me well to set me free
My Picasso hangs in the mirror
This wasted, poor fatality
You lay as Dorian Grey
Etching your lines into my face

dorian gray didn't have immortality, just eternal good looks. if he had immortality, he wouldn't have died at the end. just a little thing. might as well leave it in to be honest; poetic license. other than that, a nice ending, some very good lines in there. the only faulty parts of sort would be lines three and four. they seem too out of place and aren't really up to the standard of the rest of the piece. it wouldn't really make much difference if they were cut altogether to be honest.

overall, some very good writing, which definitly picked up as it progressed. work on a couple of the early verses, and revise some of the later ones, and you'll have a very nice piece of work.