Never Knowing When We'll Know

[-:Vincent:-]

Found this in a long lost folder on my computer entitled "cliche lyrics". But I thought I'd post it here to get help from all you nice people and make it a wonderful song.:thumb: As usual, and with most of the songs I write, this one is meant for a heavier tone of music, and will probably end up being 80% screamed and 20% sung.

red dashes mark out our positions
blindly marching to a fall
following this pale canvas
buidling higher, this, our wall

"...for wrath, for ruin, and the red dawn"

while i saw their teeth
all pointed and sharpened
we know not their size
nor their number
a fool's hope this is

dark armies approach this wall, we've built
pounding spears to floor, and again
the bowmen take their unknown place
and so we make our first mistake

and i saw their eyes
deep set and stone cold
as the architecture fell,
our great wall diminished
our hopes lay dead at our feet

and sitting here on the rubbles of so many kingdoms,
all compiled to form one mountain of glory,
remember that it was us who scarred the skies
when they burned perfume across these lands,
a fragrance that still leaves its stench in the paths of mankind

his son bleeds only for you and me
i've prayed for this, i've prayed for this
god willing, when will we know

[IOWNU200]

blindly marching to a fall
never knowing when we'll know
buidling higher, this wall
never knowing when we'll know

This is alright, it's not extremely in depth at this point, but it doesn't need to be yet. My issue here is the flow of lines 1 and 3. It needs to be fixed up, it throws the verse off.

while i saw their teeth
all pointed and sharpened
we know, not, what we do
why always insist;
we know not their size,
not their number
we know nothing at all

This is alright, there still hasn't been anything extremely noteworthy, but structurely this is okay. I suggest maybe changing the 2nd or third to last line, they repeat each other a little.

sitting here on the rubbles of so many kingdoms,
all compiled to form one mountain of glory,
remember that it was us who scarred the skies
when they burned perfume across these lands,
a fragrance that still leaves its stench in the paths of mankind

Now this looks good. A little more fire power. The last three lines are awesome. I'd leave those alone. I like this stanza alot so i won't crticize.

and i saw their eyes
deep set and stone cold
searching,pointing,daring
we know, not, what we do
we know, not, our place

I like the first two lines, good imagery. The third line I'm not sold on. You could use some more effective verbs, but if you like it, it's not bad. Otherwise another pretty solid stanza.

dark armies approach this wall, we've built
with blood, sweat, and ash
pounding spears to floor, and again
the bowmen take their unkmown place
and so we make our first mistake
god willing, when will we know

I'm not sure "blood, sweat, and ash" are excellent for this, you could do a little better. I love the conclusion, solid wrap-up.

Overall this was a good piece, I am merely knit picking because you seema very good writer and can probably make this great witha little concentration.
Good job.

[-:Vincent:-]

Thanks a lot, I think I'll start revising some of it now. I'm thinking of changing the title as well, but anyways I'll try to find one of your pieces and crit it.

[-:Vincent:-]

I revised the song; gave it some new lines, took away some stuff, and changed the title. I'm still not satisifed with it though. Parts that need improvement are: the "while i saw their teeth" and "i saw their eyes" lines aren't too good, and the ending needs some more "firepower" to it, but I'm at a stand still in my writing at the moment. So comments, suggestions, additions and anything else is welcome.

[IOWNU200]

i like the revisions alot it flows much better and is much more decript. Good work taking out the repitions too.

[-:Vincent:-]

Thanks for all your help IOWNU200, anyone else? (in other words: BUMP)