Hearth

[slack]

HEARTH

There's a songbird she keeps
locked inside a mahogany hearth
that loves the rain, and sings from the dark
whenever the band on the rooftop plays.

There's a hole she's carved
in the top of the mahogany hearth,
that's as big as the distant sun,
and small enough the bird cannot escape from.

There's a storm blowing up outside,
gusts of wind as thunderous as a gun;
and inside, a floor full of buckets and rain
she often feeds the songbird from.

There's a grave in the basement
where she buried the old cage;
when it rains, it rains so hard
the ground begins to break and fall apart.

There's a secret she keeps,
a pain she won't give away;
a loneliness that stings like a hole in the heart
whenever the band on the rooftop plays.

When it rains, it rains so hard
the ground begins to break and fall apart.
When it rains, it rains so hard
she can't hear the songbird
drowning in the dark.

[-:Vincent:-]

This was a good piece overall, although the subject matter was kind of cliche (with a songbird and all). One thing I didn't like was the use of "thunderous as a gun" in the third stanza, it didn't seem to fit with the rest of the piece. Also, this would make a great poem, but if it is intended as lyrics for a song I'm not so sure how that could be accomplished.

Anyways, maybe I'll come back to this later but as of now I'm feeling really lazy. Good job.

[slack]

Alright, thanks.

[IOWNU200]

There's a songbird she keeps
locked inside a mahogany hearth
that loves the rain, and sings from the dark
whenever the band on the rooftop plays.

This is a solid enough start, you do a good job introducing your character.

There's a hole she's carved
in the top of the mahogany hearth,
that's as big as the distant sun,
and small enough the bird cannot escape from.

This is pretty good again, i like what you have going in the last two lines, but i'm not so sure you need to repeat the mahogany hearth in the second line since people will realize that when they read that the bird is kept in it in the first stanza. You could add a new idea there instead.

There's a storm raging outside,
gusts of wind as thunderous as a gun;
and inside, a floor full of buckets and rain
she often feeds the songbird from.

I agree with what the person above me said about the "thunderous as a gun". It seems awkward to describe nature using a nature term describing a non nature object. That wording sucks, but i think you'll get it.

There's a grave in the basement
where she buried the old cage;
when it rains, it rains so hard
the ground begins to break and fall apart.

I think this is pretty good again, my only suggestion would be to condense break and fall apart into one word, there's plenty of decent ones.

There's a secret she keeps,
a pain she won't give away;
a loneliness that stings like a hole in the heart
whenever the band on the rooftop plays.

Excellently worded, this is probably my favorite stanza so far. No suggestions here.

When it rains, it rains so hard
the ground begins to break and fall apart.
When it rains, it rains so hard
she can't hear the songbird
drowning in the dark.

I love the ending, I would again suggest though that you switch "break and fall apart" to a one word expression, I think it'll help the flow a bit. Otherwise, excellent job.

Overall a really good job, just a couple things here and there and this will be great.

[slack]

Thanks man. I'm trying to find an alternative to the 'gusts of wind ...' line, but it may turn out to be more trouble than it's worth.

[Surf]

dot. sorry man, i will get back to this as soon as possible. probably tomorrow.

[slack]

s'cool man, whenever. :)

[Surf]

There's a songbird she keeps
locked inside a mahogany hearth
that loves the rain, and sings from the dark
whenever the band on the rooftop plays.

i'm struggling to find fault here. its simple, but that works for it. maybe, just maybe, some of the words could be more emotive. 'sings' 'plays' - either could be replaced by a synonymn, maybe something more effective. the syntax of the last line could be better, try having a play around and see if anything jumps out. if not, its not exctly going to kill the piece.

There's a hole she's carved
in the top of the mahogany hearth,
that's as big as the distant sun,
and small enough the bird cannot escape from.

again, 'top' 'big' 'small'. and again with weird last line syntax. this could be a running motif...

There's a storm raging outside,
gusts of wind as thunderous as a gun;
and inside, a floor full of buckets and rain
she often feeds the songbird from.

first line is boring, storms always rage, but the 'thunderous as a gun' is fantastic. if anything, there's a nice little juxtaposition. still, it couldn't hurt to have a new/different kind of storm. very tom waits feel to the third line. its the buckets and rain that do it.

There's a grave in the basement
where she buried the old cage;
when it rains, it rains so hard
the ground begins to break and fall apart.

nice. not much i can find to fault to be fair. maybe the repitition of rain would be more effective if it were to be more than 'hard'. hard rain is a bit old, and could be bettered.

There's a secret she keeps,
a pain she won't give away;
a loneliness that stings like a hole in the heart
whenever the band on the rooftop plays.

this isn't so great. too simple, sailing the ship towards the rocky shores of cliche, especially with 'pain' and 'hole in the heart'. needs to be worked on. try and get some fresher ideas, a similie would probably work best, just something not quite as blunt as this.

When it rains, it rains so hard
the ground begins to break and fall apart.
When it rains, it rains so hard
she can't hear the songbird
drowning in the dark.

great close.

overall, really good stuff as always. have a look at some of the word choices, and definitly try and rework the penultimate stanza; it just doesn't do the piece justice.

[slack]

Hm. I changed the storm line to "There's a storm blowing up outside". That seems to work a little better with the gun image in the next line.

[Jude]

HEARTH

There's a songbird she keeps
locked inside a mahogany hearth
that loves the rain, and sings from the dark
whenever the band on the rooftop plays.
I like this stanza, especially the last two lines. It's a nice clear intro to the song, and as I said I like how the last two lines sound. The "band on the rooftop" seems a little random to me but I like the image and the use of the motif gives a certain feel to the song that I'm sure you meant to.

There's a hole she's carved
in the top of the mahogany hearth,
that's as big as the distant sun,
and small enough the bird cannot escape from.

The second line seems like it would be a little rhythmically awkward, but I can't really "picture" how you had the music in your head. I've never liked "big" in lyrics; it just seems unpoetic if you know what I mean, so that sort of makes the third line stick out to me in a negative way. Also, the last line seems awkward - I think ending it with a preposition and its length both contribute to that.

There's a storm blowing up outside,
gusts of wind as thunderous as a gun;
and inside, a floor full of buckets and rain
she often feeds the songbird from.

As someone else said, the "gun" analogy doesn't quite seem to fit for some reason, but tht's just my feeling. I like the rest of the stanza. The new storm description is a lot better than the old one. And is that a Bob Dylan allusion I see in the third line?

There's a grave in the basement
where she buried the old cage;
when it rains, it rains so hard
the ground begins to break and fall apart.

Whoa, creepy first line. (in a good way, I'm a sucker for creepy images in lyrics) I like this stanza a lot, but I think "break and fall apart" sounds a bit awkward and redundant.

There's a secret she keeps,
a pain she won't give away;
a loneliness that stings like a hole in the heart
whenever the band on the rooftop plays.

I'm sort of neutral toward this one, but I like the return of the imagery from the first stanza.

When it rains, it rains so hard
the ground begins to break and fall apart.
When it rains, it rains so hard
she can't hear the songbird
drowning in the dark.
Another good stanza. I have the same beef with "break and fall apart" but I really like how the line "drowning in the dark" sounds.

Overall, I agree with most of what the other posters in here have said. A tiny bit of danger with the cliche of a songbird, but some images are worth using even if they've been done before. Cliche in choice of words is always worse than cliche in general metaphors or themes, so look out for that. I do like these lyrics and I don't think they have all that far to come before being a solid song.

[Xianne]

I like how you use your line breaks well done. I disagree with the above however, the simile "as thunderous as a gun seems" seems like a good simile to me.

Overall good job, I found myself uninterested in certain lines but your repetition and symbolism is great.

[tytothebenj]

This is a piece I could never write because I avoid words like “loneliness,” “pain” and however stupid it sounds “dark.” It has a lot of repetition but it flows. I thoroughly enjoyed it and commend you for not worrying about clichés and writing a piece that hits home.
GOOD JOB:)

The only line I didn't like was:
"Gusts of wind as thunderous as a gun"
-The as's make it sound awkward

[slack]

I'm suprised that line stuck out as much as it has. I don't know what I'm going to do about it. :p

Anyway, thanks. I'll try to return crits tonight.