Song: "Too Close" [Archive] - Music & Musician Forums

SiYmon

11-02-2006, 01:18 PM

Hey i wrote this song few months back. Ive not got a lot of experience in writing songs and just sort of wrote how i felt. So here goes.

Verse 1/
Others take, you for granted
I'd pinch myself, 'case i'd dreamt it
I see you and, my body wilts
Mind body soul, perfectly built

Chrosus/
Too close for lovin'
Don't wanna lifetime of love
Too close for lovin'
Just one second, would be enough
Too close for lovin'
Too close for lovin'
Too close for lovin'
Coz i'm finding it harder to bluff

Verse 2/
I wear a mask, So you wont find the truth
But the truth makes, me live a lie
Any feelings for you, i must deny
All this, is driving me insane
But i only have, myself to blame

[Chorus]

Verse 3/
My smile a product, of synthesisation
If us together, came at a price
I'm willing to pay that in-next life
If its not to be, its not to be
But i hope for one second you'd feel like me,
About me, then you'd see, it aint easy
To love like me
Secretly.

thirdeyeblindislit

11-02-2006, 03:55 PM

I see that you don't have alot of fans on this site, so, being "S&L's nice guy" will give you a chance.

Verse 1/
Others take, you for granted
I'd pinch myself, 'case i'd dreamt it
I see you and, my body wilts
Mind body soul, perfectly built

(The last line isn't that bad. But the other three lines don't make much sense. I think it's basically the second line that doesn't flow. You may want to change that up a bit. :thumb:)

Chrosus/
Too close for lovin'
Don't wanna lifetime of love
Too close for lovin'
Just one second, would be enough
Too close for lovin'
Too close for lovin'
Too close for lovin'
Coz i'm finding it harder to bluff

(Chrous is spelt C-H-R-O-U-S. Just thought I'd throw that out there. Not be rude or anything. The chrous could go well depending on what tune you put it too. It does seem kind of cheesy in a way. I realize it's important to you, but you may just want to fix this up a bit. Maybe throw in some metaphors instead of making it so obvious.)

Verse 2/
I wear a mask, So you wont find the truth
But the truth makes, me live a lie
Any feelings for you, i must deny
All this, is driving me insane
But i only have, myself to blame

(This verse seems like forced rhyming to me. The second line throws me off. It really doesn't flow at all. This verse needs alot of work.)

[Chorus]

Verse 3/
My smile a product, of synthesisation
If us together, came at a price
I'm willing to pay that in-next life
If its not to be, its not to be
But i hope for one second you'd feel like me,
About me, then you'd see, it aint easy
To love like me
Secretly.

(Now this quote has to be forced rhyming. I do like the first line however. :thumb: nice job. But everything doesn't have to rhyme.)

-----------------------------------------------------

Thirdeye's Verdict:
Well this is the point where I basically grade you on the song. You'll learn to love or hate this part of the critique. I understand that this was an emotional song for you to write. Many write this kind of song. But it wasn't that original to me, do to the fact that there are many different creative ways you could have gone with this. Also there was alot of forced rhyming in this song. There really is no need for this. Lyrics don't HAVE to rhyme, as long as it flows. Now there were some parts where you lost me. Not all songs make sense. We can look at the Red Hot Chili Peppers for example. It's up to you if you want to fix it up, but I would make it more creative. In the end, it was an ok song if you're starting out, which I'm not sure if you're doing or not, but it didn't really tickle my fancy. If it had work done to it, it could be great. Your heart may be in it, but you just need to express you ideas better.

3/10

Good luck in the future! :thumb:

SiYmon

11-02-2006, 04:27 PM

I see that you don't have alot of fans on this site, so, being "S&L's nice guy" will give you a chance.

(Now this quote has to be forced rhyming. I do like the first line however. :thumb: nice job. But everything doesn't have to rhyme.)

-----------------------------------------------------

Thirdeye's Verdict:
Well this is the point where I basically grade you on the song. You'll learn to love or hate this part of the critique. I understand that this was an emotional song for you to write. Many write this kind of song. But it wasn't that original to me, do to the fact that there are many different creative ways you could have gone with this. Also there was alot of forced rhyming in this song. There really is no need for this. Lyrics don't HAVE to rhyme, as long as it flows. Now there were some parts where you lost me. Not all songs make sense. We can look at the Red Hot Chili Peppers for example. It's up to you if you want to fix it up, but I would make it more creative. In the end, it was an ok song if you're starting out, which I'm not sure if you're doing or not, but it didn't really tickle my fancy. If it had work done to it, it could be great. Your heart may be in it, but you just need to express you ideas better.

3/10

Good luck in the future! :thumb:

I don't seem to have many fans but i did say lets start a fresh so we'll see what happens. Thnx for taking the time to read it. Ok ill give it some work, forced rhyming yeah i did struggle with some parts as i felt i needed it to rhyme. Ok ill take out the lines which have less meaning due to the forced rhyme and re do those. I think you may be right with forced rhyming making it weaker ill revise those parts for sure. See in my head with lines such as "but the truth makes, me live a lie" i know what that means. But if the listener/reader does not then it is ineffective.

Do you mean by the first line My smile a product, of synthesisation"? And what do you mean by "now this quote has to be forced rhyming"? Thnx.
(Now this quote has to be forced rhyming. I do like the first line however. :thumb: nice job. But everything doesn't have to rhyme.)

Btw this is basically the first song ive ever written. & i know how to spell chorus just i was typing too quickly lol. Ta very much. :D

IOWNU200

11-02-2006, 04:53 PM

Verse 1/
Others take, you for granted
I'd pinch myself, 'case i'd dreamt it
I see you and, my body wilts
Mind body soul, perfectly built

This is alright, I think the two "body"'s right in a row throw off a little bit of flow, i'd use a different word or else re-arrange your lines. The second line doesn't seem to make much sense and also throws off the flow so i'd alter that one a bit as well.

Chrosus/
Too close for lovin'
Don't wanna lifetime of love
Too close for lovin'
Just one second, would be enough
Too close for lovin'
Too close for lovin'
Too close for lovin'
Coz i'm finding it harder to bluff

I actually thinkthe last line of this chorus could be dynamite if you set it up right. The other two lines are a little weak and should be altered so they could be stronger. I do think you could use that last line.

Verse 2/
I wear a mask, So you wont find the truth
But the truth makes, me live a lie
Any feelings for you, i must deny
All this, is driving me insane
But i only have, myself to blame

This could use alot of help. The mask symbolism is getting pretty cliche these days, and the rest of the verse just sounds confuse. You want to try and make a really strong point so that people know where your going. This will need a lot of re-working for success.

Verse 3/
My smile a product, of synthesisation
If us together, came at a price
I'm willing to pay that in-next life
If its not to be, its not to be
But i hope for one second you'd feel like me,
About me, then you'd see, it aint easy
To love like me
Secretly.

I like the first line, a bit of a mouthful but a decent concept. The next to lines confuse me...why would you want to pay it back ina different life...doesn't seem to be a big hit your taking. Try to eliminate alot of the you's and me's. Use metaphors or other descriptions for your subjects. It'll give you an oppurtunity to characterize a little bit and give the piece alot more substance. This could use a lot of work, but if your keep at it you can get some good stuff.

SiYmon

11-02-2006, 05:12 PM

Thanks i will do. I do think it lacks a little imagery in parts. The mask a cliche..ok i agree but now that ive got the sort of first draft of it down i can alter especially with the advice im getting. Like you say there are some good parts to the song but other bits needed work.

thirdeyeblindislit

11-02-2006, 06:20 PM

SiYmon

11-03-2006, 02:00 PM

IOWNU IS STILL HERE! AWESOME!

Anyway moving on. Sorry...

Yeah I like the My smile a product, of synthesisation.

As for the "yeah this is forced rhyming." You can tell in the last verse that you were just trying to get your point across by trying to rhyme lyrics. And you really don't need to do that. Good luck in the future, and when you do the rewrite, I'll be sure to try to take a look at it.

:thumb: Thirdeye

I tried with the last verse to get the tempo up faster. To show a little bit more anger. Ctreate a contrast between verse 1 were the mood i tried create was a sort of "wanting" as well as a strong feeling towards someone but towards the end a more "bitter" emotion is present.

slack

11-03-2006, 03:54 PM

Looks like typical rock lyrics, which I guess is a compliment in the sense that it can be put to music easily, but ... it's also typical rock lyrics.

I didn't find it all that interesting, not because you're a bad writer; the concept just sucks. I can't begin to tell you how often 'mask' is used in similar contexts.

Keep trying.

ps., there's a bunch of misused commas.

SiYmon

11-04-2006, 11:11 AM