Freaking Trauma

[wartree]

Freaking Trauma

Your freaking trauma
Your freaking trauma
Its being so sarcastic for years
Your freaking trauma
Your freaking trauma
Its being arround this place for too many years
No i just dont wanna hear, noooo
Too many years from the past to open the chains
And feel free
Free is not to be
So you scream and say:
No you dont , no, my trauma is not here
Here are the chains who keep this spirit far away from you
No you dont , no, my trauma is not you
Is filling the cup of ice..
Ice say you , standing on the sun, water will you be after this one to one
Cause i know your freaking trauma...
Freaking trauma!!!
No...I...will...not hear anything from you...


WARTREECO.unltd

My first melodramatic song, i feel that i am getting worse with the time, ohoh but who cares

[wartree]

Version for Lyric Chalenge :

Freaking Trauma

Your freaking trauma
Your freaking trauma
Its being so sarcastic for years
Your freaking trauma
Your freaking trauma
Its being arround this place for too many years
No i just dont wanna hear, noooo
Too many years from the past to open the chains
And feel free
Free is not to be
So you scream and say:
No you dont , no, my trauma is not here
Here are the chains who keep this spirit far away from you
No you dont , no, my trauma is not you
Is filling the cup of ice..
Ice say you , standing on the sun, water will you be after this one to one
Cause i know your freaking trauma...
Freaking trauma!!!
No...I...will...not hear anything from you...
mahogonyyyyyyyyyyyyy i love youuuuuuuuuuuu... tha dhaaaaaaaaaa :smash:

[Grumpy the Cat]

No song should have "freaking" repeated that many time. Or ever used at all.

[wartree]

No song should have "freaking" repeated that many time. Or ever used at all.

That's sad isnt it, i said that it is a melodramatic lyric...
But anyway what are your advices, what words should i put instead of freaking...

ps- did you know that for foreigners, freaking, is as freaking cool english word...

[wartree]

By the way thanks for being the only who cares about my work(poor messiah, too) ( surf just dont do it anymore )...

[Surf]

( surf just dont do it anymore )...

appealing to my pride is clearly the way to go.

melodramatic doesn't really cover it to be honest, because there's a distinct lack of drama, so to speak. it seems like you're trying to tell a story, but it gets lost between the boring phrasing and broken english. the other guy was right, there is no way to justify saying 'freaking' that many times in a song. and while we're on the subject, just writing mahogany at the end is not the way to impress people in the LC.

the main problem here is the lack of any interesting imagery/metaphor etc. the one line i thought was quite good was Ice say you , standing on the sun, water will you be after this one to one, but i'm not sure you just didn't arrive at the nice flow by mistake.

i would normally suggest looking at the guide, but i realise that english isn't your first language (still better than i can speak any other language to be fair), but there's some ideas that you would b e better for grasping.

cliche: basically, old ideas. try to avoid anything that sounds boring, something you hear in most songs, because it becomes dull and uninteresting. if you think you can say it in an original, interesting way, then by all means write about it, but if not, its best to steer clear of dull subject matter.

imagery: simply the word equivalent of painting a picture, setting a scene. try describing things, appeal to the five senses, talk about colour, texture whatever, just try to make the reader understand what you're trying to say. again whilst avoiding cliches.

there's other stuff, but it may be lost on you. and these are pretty poor guides compared to the main s&l one, but i'm just trying to convey the point simply.

so basically, not very good. the english wouldn't be too much of a poblem if there were many ideas behind them, but its quite cliched subject matter. sorry man, but nothing really pricked my interest and at the end of the day, thats a very damning point.

[Grumpy the Cat]

Freaking is a euhpemism for the word "****ing." It doesn't do any real good to use it because it just looks like you're an 8 year old who's too afraid to cuss. Either go with the expletive or pick another word all together. "Freaking" is just a horrible word altogether in my opinion.

[wartree]

appealing to my pride is clearly the way to go.

melodramatic doesn't really cover it to be honest, because there's a distinct lack of drama, so to speak. it seems like you're trying to tell a story, but it gets lost between the boring phrasing and broken english. the other guy was right, there is no way to justify saying 'freaking' that many times in a song. and while we're on the subject, just writing mahogany at the end is not the way to impress people in the LC.

the main problem here is the lack of any interesting imagery/metaphor etc. the one line i thought was quite good was Ice say you , standing on the sun, water will you be after this one to one, but i'm not sure you just didn't arrive at the nice flow by mistake.

i would normally suggest looking at the guide, but i realise that english isn't your first language (still better than i can speak any other language to be fair), but there's some ideas that you would b e better for grasping.

cliche: basically, old ideas. try to avoid anything that sounds boring, something you hear in most songs, because it becomes dull and uninteresting. if you think you can say it in an original, interesting way, then by all means write about it, but if not, its best to steer clear of dull subject matter.

imagery: simply the word equivalent of painting a picture, setting a scene. try describing things, appeal to the five senses, talk about colour, texture whatever, just try to make the reader understand what you're trying to say. again whilst avoiding cliches.

there's other stuff, but it may be lost on you. and these are pretty poor guides compared to the main s&l one, but i'm just trying to convey the point simply.

so basically, not very good. the english wouldn't be too much of a poblem if there were many ideas behind them, but its quite cliched subject matter. sorry man, but nothing really pricked my interest and at the end of the day, thats a very damning point.


Ok, man, that was helpful, true thanks :thumb:
I will think about that... and i will have some work to do

[wartree]

so i will block this topic, if anyone want to crit about my work see the lyric poor messiah

[TojesDolan]

Eh "freaking" doesn't feel like it very much.