The Petals of a Flower

[FA]

I don't mean to be rude, but if comments like "i like it, that's all i have to say" or "it sucks, whatevs" is all you have for me, than please don't bother, it does nothing for me :p

“The Petals of a Flower”
JustinBHughes
11.1.2006

as the wind softly spins, I see,
the mask of a cloud,
with the grief of a distant sun
receding back with the final bow,
and roses throw themselves
onto a stage,
onto an arm,
where a child can see
the bright lights shine,
and a poet can dream
of the beautiful night sky.

a finger may dance as it,
a mirage to a friend, can erase
the text of her lips, tangling
the days she spent lying in the grass.
and the color of the mud
was art to her skin.
the mahogany drawer kept
but only a locket, the photo
of a stranger in black and white.

as the leaves softly spin, I see,
the image of a ghost,
the tale of a heart,
polished under the stars’ glow;
he’s a novel left unwritten,
a prologue left empty,
the flower not thrown;
he’s the story of nothing,
the mask, where the wind
had blown.

[Charlie Manson]

the mahogany drawer kept

Mahogany is such an ugly word. It truly is.

[FA]

I know, i hate it too, it's for the lyrical challenge though, i'll change it after that

[Littlejohn]

Mahogany is such an ugly word. It truly is.

mahogany is such an amazing word. It's basically the best part of this song.

black dot.

[Surf]

as the wind softly spins, I see,
the mask of a cloud,
with the grief of a distant sun
receding back with the final bow,
and roses throw themselves
onto a stage,
onto an arm,
where a child can see
the bright lights shine,
and a poet can dream
of the beautiful night sky.

nice verse, thats all i have to say, whatevs. but really, there were only a few points that i didn't like. the last line, 'beautiful night sky'? you know your better than that, slightly cliched, phrase. threw off a the verse, and it ended on a bit of a downer. especially considering its a 'poet's dream'; wouldn't a poet's dream have a bit off a better description, if you can see what i'm getting at. one of your nice pieces of imagery would be great here. same kind of thing with 'bright lights'. it may be a nice little rhyme, but the image is slightly cliche. synonymn could work well here. but other than that, great stuff, first few lines are really good.

a finger may dance as it,
a mirage to a friend, can erase
the text of her lips, tangling
the days she spent lying in the grass.
and the color of the mud
was art to her skin.
the mahogany drawer kept
but only a locket, the photo
of a stranger in black and white.

much better, i'm struggling to say anything about this. if you thin kyou can find a better word than mahogany, then kudos to you, because it works well as it is. the only thing slightly off was the wording of the first line; a little confusing. i think its the syntax. if you could find a more legible way to say it then it would flow alot better; i stumbled a bit when i read it.

as the leaves softly spin, I see,
the image of a ghost,
the tale of a heart,
polished under the stars’ glow;
he’s a novel left unwritten,
a prologue left empty,
the flower not thrown;
he’s the story of nothing,
the mask, where the wind
had blown.

a nice finish. couple of things: the second line is a bit underwhelming. an adjective infront of ghost would help alot, as right now its a bit empty. similar kind of thing with the next line, though thats not as bad. i don't love the finish, the line break seems a bit odd, the main problem being the last two words. 'had' is just an awkward connective and it jumbles up the line to the extent that it detracts. considering its the climax of the piece, you may want to look at it. really though, this is nitpicking; its mostly good, just not perfect.


overall i liked it, and found it hard to pick out flaws. a bit of wording and underdescription issues aside, this is very good stuff.

[slack]

Consider changing the end to this:he’s a novel left unwritten,
the story of nothing;
he's the flower not thrown;
the mask where the wind had blown.Anyway, does the second stanza have a lot of grammar issues, or is it just me?

I'll get back to this.