"Those Three Words"

[Grumpy the Cat]

I know I've been posting a lot but it has been two days since my last thread and I really don't have anything after this to post.

I don't really feel like this is my strongest piece skill-wise but it is one of the most personal things I've ever written. It was a lot of fun.

"Those Three Words"

Bury us six feet under the ground
We are burnt out like a fire cracker's remains
We are neglected like untunable guitar strings

The ship has sunk into a testosterone sea
The plane has crashed into an abandoned parking lot
The building's burned down into a pile of discarded ticket stubs
You are the ice burg, the turbulence, the glaring flame
You are catastrophic failure and the ruined day

I would be happy if I were you
Such a huge pile of **** to look up to
You are a masterpiece when you make her cry
You are a genius when you gag out the perfect lie
You are the best ****ing sociopath of them all

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one
Who can see the seam ripping through your skin
It spreads like a plague and reveals the beast within

Sometimes I know that I'm the only one
That can see through the facade made out of broken glass
It falls apart like the future but it shimmers like the past

I guess I must be the only one

So don't worry when all of your friends give up on you and run away
Because they're so tired of breathing in the putrid smell
Those three words are turning on you
They molt off their outgrown skin to spell
"GO **** YOURSELF"

[Grumpy the Cat]

I really hate bumps but I'm very interested in seeing what people think. I'll count this as my poem for today.

[FunknPunk]

"Those Three Words"

Bury us six feet under the ground
We are burnt out like a fire cracker's remains
We are neglected like untunable guitar strings

I love the imagery in "Neglected Firecrackers' Remains". really conjurs up an image! (and it's true about the guitar strings. i hate it when they just detune, detune, detune... SNAP. **** happens. get new bridge. good stuff, though.

The ship has sunk into a testosterone sea
The plane has crashed into an abandoned parking lot
The building's burned down into a pile discarded ticket stubs
You are the ice burg, the turbulence, the glaring flame
You are catastrophic failure and the ruined day

I hate to do this but:
1) "The building's burned down into a pile discarded ticket stubs" do you mean into a pile OF discarded ticket stubs? I also don't quite follow your metaphor. Are you trying to tie in the "burning building" as your (relationship?) and the "ticket stubs" as her/you/someone who is leaving or who has already left?

2) it's iceberg. However: i really enjoyed the sense of discovery of the comparisons (iceberg, turbulence, flame) relating to the "ship/plane/building."What you MIGHT want to think about is the continuity and perhaps use another form of transportation in your metaphor? i like the idea of burning flame, but you have air and sea.. i just feel like we're missing land.

I would be happy if I were you
Such a huge pile of **** to look up to
You are a masterpiece when you make her cry
You are a genius when you gag out the perfect lie
You are the best ****ing sociopath of them all

I really can't see the point of swearing in lyrics, unless you are making a statement about sexuality or are trying to evoke a certain emotion which goes along with the word. In this case, i feel like much better words could be used. "Such a huge pile of **** to look up to" is.. a bit to vulgar for the previous wording and tone. Don't use words like "****ing" just because they make the line flow better. reword, and dont overuse the power of taboo imagery. for example, an appropriate use of the word ****:

It's in the water baby
It's in the pills that pick you up
it's in the water baby
it's in the special way we ****
(Placebo-Post Blue)

You see the way Brian Molko uses the word as a vulgar reference to the act of sexual intercourse? Instead of descibing sex as a beautful "love making" he claism that it is a primitive passion which wells up in him. Amazing. I'm a fan.

altogether, this verse (chorus?) seems to be a bit weak. It's probably my biased view of the swear words. which are misused, in my opinion. i cant condone such usages. :)

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one
Who can see the seam ripping through your skin
It spreads like a plague and reveals the beast within

How exactly does a seam rip through your skin? If your skin is seamed, it can rip. but a seam occurs hen two seperate pieces of fabric or cloth are sewn together to make one piece. Therefore, a seam can't really rip through your skin. Example of rewrite:

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one
Who can see your seamed skin ripping thin
spreading like a plague and revealing the beast within

Sometimes I know that I'm the only one
That can see through the facade made out of broken glass
It falls apart like the future but it shimmers like the past

I like the comparison (however obvious) between "I feel..I know". i think that it really works. You may want to include a mention of the inside to continue the metaphor from the previous verse: you talk about "the beast within," and although you use the word "facade" (which does mean an outsideappearance, in this case), it seems too subtle to be in continuity with the previous verse.

I guess I must be the only one

So don't worry when all of your friends give up on you and run away
Because they're so tired of breathing in the putrid smell
Those three words are turning on you
They molt off their outgrown skin to spell
"GO **** YOURSELF"

what three words are you recalling? those seems to imply that the listener has already heard these "three words". I looked back, and i didn;t see anything that was obviously waht you were alluding to. Perhaps you meant "These three words"--one letter can turn the readers impression of already hearing the three words into the anticipation of hearing the words. What do you mean by "Outgrown Skin"? do you mean that the friends have actually hated the subject in the past and now that they have molted the truth is out? I can actually almost see the point you are getting at. maybe just think about it and tweak it a little.

All in all, i think that it was a pretty strong piece. There were some... shortcomings (use **** wisely. it should not be taken lightly). i don't give "numbers" since everything is relative, but i will say that with some tweaking this could be a pretty strong piece. What kind of music, by the way?

and i need something here because i cant do an entire message as a reply.

[Grumpy the Cat]

Very interesting man. I don't agree with everything but there is certainly stuff I'll reconsider. (I usually use swearing more liberally than others but I actually think you're right about that stanza in the middle. I'll work on it)

I can understand why you are confused about it because this is a very personal song and "those three words" that it alludes to are not actually in the song.

The song is about a friend of mine and his deteriorating relationship with his girlfriend who is also a friend of mine and the way he came to act with regard to everything ended up destroying one of the strongest friendships I've ever had. "Those three words" actually just comes from a set of three CDs she burned for him (I know it sounds like a mundane source for a poem) that were just labeled "those," "three," and "words." And in case you can't derive from the context the three words she's referring to are obviously "I love you."

The music is I guess hard to describe. Just kind of post-hardcore stuff that I write by myself, but I always try to keep it original. Anyway thanks a lot for critiquing!

And oh yeah sorry but that one line is supposed to say "The building's burned down into a pile of discarded ticket stubs."