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View Full Version : A Well d0cumented Descent


shugzz
10-31-2006, 02:09 AM
Something fun I wrote mainly for entertainment, but I'd like to hear some thoughts. I'm new around here but I promise to repay anything and everything :wave:




Under a murderous sky. Riding the pressure
Of a thousand fathoms.

*******

The horizon shook its ash grey muzzle and began to weep.

Alone on the prow of his ship, the grizzled old Captain stood eyeing the sea spray. His leather brown skin creased and folded with the toil and tire of the years, one could count his wrinkles as one would count tree rings. That is, to little effect, but nevertheless beside the point altogether. The captain was weary of the ocean and her demands, he had long since tired of her song, her gentle lapping against the hull, her opaque hues layered upon the abysmal chasm. He turned up his collar against the wind.

From below came the thump of an ascending sailor. A white peak cap emerged.

“Captain…?”

The figure did not stir from the prow, the eyes did not leave the waves, acknowledgment, however, did somehow lodge itself in the crewman’s understanding.

“Captain I’ve come to tell you...”

A gnarled hand tightens on an oaken railing. Oak, that stiff, determined heart wood that made up the hull of his beloved ship. The sailor pauses, his virgin features suddenly unsure in the blustery air.

“Captain…”
“Out with it my boy.”
“We’ve…we’ve missed the shore.”

The wind picks up and pushes the Captain’s collar back down and blows his hat off. Briefly the Captain starts, then restores his attire.

“I know lad…I know.”

The white peaked cap bobbles its way back down, and alone, alone again the old man raises his sickly hands to the sky. And the waves rose and the undersea gaped and the sky was quiet. A magnificent conflict of currents smashes into the flagging galleon, and the ocean roars with a flood of guilt. And through the inferno, the thin, keening wail can be heard of a man who has loved and lost in the cold, lonely conformity of waves. A hopeless, useless, final observation.

Surf
10-31-2006, 09:44 AM
i really liked this, good stuff. however, there were a few things that i felt didn't work:

firstly, the title seemed wrong. 'a well documented descent' seemed inappropriate, based on the fact that the piece dealt alot in ambiguity. though you may have been trying for an ironic title, i don' think you've quite maaged it. selecting one of the lines would have been a better choice, or just a single piece of imagery.

secondly, the epigraph seemed to add little to the piece. it contained no added insight, nor did the piece benefit from its presence. either embed it in the actual body of the work, drop it or rework it

thridly, the only phrase that seemed cliched to me was the wrinkles/tree rings phrase. i've seen this quite a few times, so you may want to alter it to have a better effect. you could keep the same idea, just approach it differently, or you could replace it altogether. your call.

finally, the ending seemed a bit scrappy. you got caught up in the ideas and it became slightly confusing. try looking at syntax and sentence structure and see if it can't be remedied.

overall i was quite impressed. you handled dialogue well and it was an interesting read. try checking out what i've outlined above, most importanly clearing up the ending a bit.

shugzz
10-31-2006, 11:08 PM
Wow, thanks a lot. I do agree the title is rather bad, I'm not very fond of them, and I tend to just throw something random up there. But I do hate it when you just pick a line from the piece and use it as a title, I don't think it's lazy or anything...I just don't like it. And thank you for your suggestions.

If you have anything you'd like me to look at just give me a link or I'll randomly dig one up. Apreesh :)

Surf
11-01-2006, 07:24 PM
you could check out my latest one, its around the bottom of the second page, just give it a little bump. anything older than that, don't bother, they're been relagated to the s&l dungeons.