My Heroine.

[FunknPunk]

My heroin, proven too deceitful to be false
Her needle stuck into my arm
Falling face-first stuck into the dirt
The taste of earth still leaves me charmed

Sitting in my bathroom stall
Metal spoon melting like glass
Clutching walls, holding on
Reeling still from this attack

Through a narrow vent, my hair unkempt
polluted waste runs underground
My bulging veins, my weakened chains
Saving all the face I’ve found

Can we give it a try, I’ll give all I’ve got
Breaking the hull of this juggernaut
My head in your hands, my life in your hands
The light turns green and you’re on the spot
The way you move, the way we ****
Yell and crawl to do what we must
Look over the edge--it’s a long way down
Prepare for the fall now wish me luck


still in progress. Crit.?

[Crowley812]

This was very interesting to read. My first thought, from reading the title (spelled "heroine") could've been a play on words around the whole addiction theme, but Heroine being the female form hero, deeper down being about an addition to this person more than the drug.

Once I got the direction of the lyrics, I felt that, while the imagry was quite powerful, I felt that parts of each verse phrases seemed to be a little bit too abrupt and obvious. The 2nd line of the first 2 parts and the 3rd line of the next (regarding the needle, and the spoon, and bulging vein) kinda takes away the impact of the very descriptive remainder of the verse areas.

Lines like the opening line, or "Saving all the face I’ve found" build a great visual image of turmoil, but those lines are kinda flattened a over-obvious parts of each phrase. Personally, I'd try and be a little more hidden and less obvious for these parts.

The next 8 lines is a perfect example of what I was referring to. Those lines are very powerful, yet non-descript giving me, the listener/reader a much more involved sense of interpretation of the lyrics. I love these 8 lines and thats a great centerpiece for whatever this work becomes when its complete.

Do you have any plans for it as far as a musical side?

Great work by the way.

[FunknPunk]

Hey, thanks;

yes i agree with it being ratehr blatant. However, i was actually trying to go with the obvious imagery instead of being so hidden; perhaps i wanted to throw a "f.uck you" to the over-impressionistic content in many of the local bands i've heard here. But, it may be... too blatant (i dont want to bash the listener over the head with it, after all--and it should have SOME depth, else it will turn into monotonous tripe.)

Musically speaking: I'm a huge fan of the minimalist classical composers of the 21st century (phillip glass, john cage, steve reich, kurt weill, etc.), and tend to therefore gravitate towards the likes of Interpol, She wants Revenge (though i am still without their album), Placebo, etc. The imagery i find in their music, lyric-wise, is the type of content i am mos sympathetic to; and therefore try to emulate (badly.) So, as far as music is concerned, think the edge, mixed in with brian molko, throw in the drum machines and monotone of She Wants Revenge, and of course the impressionists of Interpol, and you've got something to go on. Alas, perhaps i've failed. But i'll keep trying. Thanks for Critiquing!