Lurid

[Aryl7]

Rewritten with many changes, kept a few lines from original

Lurid
The red eyed fountain spits feeble words
Phantom fingers draw empty axioms
The sinners yearn for hope
From idols hiding in the womb
Feed philosophy to the tainted dreams
Feed philosophy to the tainted dreams

These believers entangled
In the knots of wingless silhouettes
Mother cries at the vermin
Thoughts passing through strangled minds
Feed philosophy to the tainted dreams
Feed philosophy to the tainted dreams

Bouquets echo the blood of lovers
Held tightly by the white-washed hands
The sea is a vicious dancer
When left to step with the wind
Feed philosophy to the tainted dreams
Feed philosophy to the tainted dreams

A valiant effort to be sure
But there is no escape from death’s allure
A valiant effort to be sure
But there is no mistake that death can cure

The red eyed fountain spits feeble words
Phantom fingers draw empty axioms
The sinners yearn for hope
From idols hiding in the womb
Feed philosophy to the tainted dreams
Feed philosophy to the tainted dreams

[Grumpy the Cat]

It was definitely good in that I think it was strong at least in the arrangement of the verse, and the rhythm and meter. You have a good control over the way you write. I think you could've been a little more ambitious with you imagery but that is really just a personal thing with me. Still I feel a lot of people would say that the way it's written makes it sound a little cliche, what with phrases like "drenched in blood" and "suicidal hanging." But it was definitely a worthy piece. Keep up the effort.

[Aryl7]

bumpity