Leinadia

[i am the robots]

everythings been put in ink
no more misconseptions
im burning the institution
outlined in purest silver
through shines rust and gold
screaming of a passion
in your nonexistance
leinadia, youve crossed too many bounds
wounds were mending, but no more
goodbye beautiful, now crimson paints your eyes
nail your throat shut and brace your ears
comfort yourself to know of fault
embrace the desecration of hours spent
supporting this institution
longing for it to live


edit:

i know this is ****ty, it's the very first draft

[i am the robots]

bump!

[RNR]

You know, it would really help if you used some punctuation but I don't mind.

everythings been put in ink
no more misconseptions
im burning the institution

This part seems kind of dull. I like the idea but maybe you could spruce up the language a little.


outlined in purest silver
through shines rust and gold

I like this part on its own but it sort of gets mushed into the big mass of words and loses its effect. I know it's only a first draft but you can still try and organize it.


screaming of a passion
in your nonexistance
leinadia, youve crossed too many bounds

When you do another draft, I would connect the first two lines here and cut the your. For example: Screaming of a passionin nonexistance. It's currently very choppy.


wounds were mending, but no more
goodbye beautiful, now crimson paints your eyes

This part seems non-lyrical. I would enjoy this part more if the goodbye, beautiful was either taken out or seperated from "now crimson paints your eyes. Like this...

goodbye beautiful...
wounds were mending, but no more
now crimson paints your eyes

nail your throat shut and brace your ears
comfort yourself to know of fault
embrace the desecration of hours spent
supporting this institution
longing for it to live

I can't find anything here that I dislike.



You know, it would really help if you used some punctuation but I don't mind. I'm sure that once you organize everything, it will be very good.

[i am the robots]

I've been listening to a bit more Hot Cross and Underoath lately, so I decided to get rid of all the TTEOTD rip-offage:

Everything is okay
Don't worry, no more misconceptions
I'm burning this institution
We'll outline it in silver, rust, and gold
It feels like trust just has no place
And you're screaming about nothing
Nonexisting, falling down
Wounds were mending, the scars were going away
But now I need to say goodbye
Goodbye beautiful
Nail your throat shut and brace your ears
Trust that you're at fault
Embrace your self-desecration
We're done supporting this institution
The foundations have already gone black

[RNR]

I've been listening to a bit more Hot Cross and Underoath lately, so I decided to get rid of all the TTEOTD rip-offage:

Everything is okay
Don't worry, no more misconceptions
I'm burning this institution
We'll outline it in silver, rust, and gold
It feels like trust just has no place
And you're just screaming about nothing
Nonexisting, falling down
Wounds were mending, the scars were going away
But now I need to say goodbye
Goodbye beautiful
Nail your throat shut and brace your ears
Trust that you're at fault
Embrace your self-desecration
We're done supporting this institution
The foundations have already gone black

Pretty good except that I would take the two "just"s out. Just is very disruptive and is superfluous if not replacing "only" (and in that case I would use only anyway).

[i am the robots]

The first one works how I wanted it, I don't know why I put in the second one.

[RNR]

I'd get rid of both but at least we agree on the 2nd one.

[ATC]

Bland, very bland. One line with movement and a declaration of intent. Bland. Nothing much to say about this.

Goodbye beautiful, now crimson paints your eyes' is among the worst examples of writing I've seen here. And this is sad because you've been around long enough to not do this.

[i am the robots]

Bland, very bland. One line with movement and a declaration of intent. Bland. Nothing much to say about this.

Goodbye beautiful, now crimson paints your eyes' is among the worst examples of writing I've seen here. And this is sad because you've been around long enough to not do this.

Read the redone one silly.

You're critiquing a rough draft that took about a minute to write.

The redone version is still QUITE bland.

[RunAmokRampant]

Wow ATC, I've never seen you so harsh. This is piece is definitely not that great; sounds metalcore-ish if that's what your after.