Seal (1st post)

[NIOO]

Hey, I'm pretty much a n00b to forums but this one seems like it will come in handy if my lyrics get any attention. I could really use some crits because I haven't performed my songs in front of people just yet. I mainly want to know if the lyrics are so abstract that one can't extract any meaning out of them... meh I'll stop rambling.

vI:
He walks through the joys of life and he sees
Nothing but shame binds his feeling side.
He sleeps with tumult and wakes to silence
Only hears, “no other way”.

vII:
Listens to voices now, addicted, to their sound
Sweet words of the unclear.
Contradicting, separative, speaking on righteousness
Leading every thought astray.

C:
When I inhale the sands of circumstance
It’s you I see
For you I dream
Before you lay yourself down, blade in hand, (know)
It’s you I need and
It’s me you’d bleed

vIII:
Brightness of atemporal, being sears his hand and mind
Turns away, reclusive.
Sings a psalm, hoarse in voice, the wretched sound of things he’s seen
Wants to plea but, exchanges for today.

B:
Takes his life into his hands, broken knife falls to the ground
Every trail faced, disintegrating now.
Lawful living, unforgiving, spoken as from fiery brush
Painting on his face, a blinding seal of benevolence.

[Surf]

He walks through the joys of life and he sees
Nothing but shame binds his feeling side.
He sleeps with tumult and wakes to silence
Only hears, “no other way”.

try taking out some pronouns; it just makes it generally sound better. for example:

walking through the joys of life, watching
Nothing but shame binds the feeling side.
sleeping with tumult, waking to silence
Only hearing, “no other way"

other than that, some of the word choices are a bit dull. walking doesn't really convey much of an idea. try a more descriptive synonymn. creeping, stamping, crawling, all are better choices because they give a better image and deepen the meaning.

vII:
Listens to voices now, addicted, to their sound
Sweet words of the unclear.
Contradicting, separative, speaking on righteousness
Leading every thought astray.

again with the pronouns. drop them. often they make writing seem immature and don't sound as good (i'm keeping it basic rather than going in depth). the word choice is better. better verse allround. quite nice.

C:
When I inhale the sands of circumstance
It’s you I see
For you I dream
Before you lay yourself down, blade in hand, (know)
It’s you I need and
It’s me you’d bleed

first half = very good, second half = nowhere near as. it gets all melodramatic, cliche etc. what you really need is a metaphor, something to convey the same idea (suicide) but in a manner that won't make the reader cringe. also, drop the and from the penultimate line

vIII:
Brightness of atemporal, being sears his hand and mind
Turns away, reclusive.
Sings a psalm, hoarse in voice, the wretched sound of things he’s seen
Wants to plea but, exchanges for today.

comma in the first line doesn't work and seems rather pointless. and i presume that it should be 'a temporal', rather than atemporal. this is quite good, but work on the last two lines. the ideas are great, but the fluidity is lacking. work on the flow of ideas between lines, and try and get the line breaks working in your favour.


B:
Takes his life into his hands, broken knife falls to the ground
Every trail faced, disintegrating now.
Lawful living, unforgiving, spoken as from fiery brush
Painting on his face, a blinding seal of benevolence

pretty dull up until the last line. drop the rest (boring, melodramatic) and try and work from the last line. again, imagery and metaphors will serve you well when dealing with this kind of subject matter, but try and keep them original. if so, the writing will be much more engaging/interesting.


overall it has some god flashes, but needs a bit of work around those. the second half of the chorus is the major fault and very much detracts from the piece.

[NIOO]

Thanks a lot. I haven't been able to get on the internet for the past week so I'm reading this for the 1st time. Reworking it as I type. HUGE help