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[TheOpeningAct101]

i havent been on in over a year, or written in over a year for that matter. its just a start, but i would like to hear what you all think. drop me a link and il checked anything out.



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Must I lack in nights weary embrace,
Willing though I might be.
Still, fond memory brings the light
Of past days around me.
The warm breeze, and friends so linked together.
The words of love once spoken.

[UNOMAS]

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Must I lack in nights weary embrace,
Willing though I might be.
Still, fond memory brings the light

I really like this part, interested on seeing how it fits into the rest of the piece

Of past days around me.

Something in the wording doesnt sound right here, i think its "around me", not sure if you're talking about past days or fond memories...maybe make that a little clearer

The warm breeze, and friends so linked together.
The words of love once spoken

I like this, try and develop it a little more, it ends somewhat abruptly, but im guessing the rest of the song will help with the understanding

Overall not bad, want to read the rest of the lyrics before i say anything final

[TheBigMachine]

Must I lack in nights weary embrace,
Willing though I might be.
Still, fond memory brings the light
Of past days around me.
The warm breeze, and friends so linked together.
The words of love once spoken.


So the first couplet is great work. The rhymes, I noticed(through out that is) are good too, they're not to obvious or not to subtle. They're in that ideal middle range.
As UNOMAS said, line four is awkward in it's wording. "Still, fond memory brings the light/Of past days around me." doesn't work as well as it could, and an alternate phrase or word for around/around me is needed.

Line five can do with out the so near the end, it's just an uneccessary sylable in the line. Line six leaves a good close, not cliche, but not a line that hasn't been done before. Never the less, you've got a solid start.

[Grumpy the Cat]

I thought it was interesting, but like I said I just usually don't have much to offer in way of advice. It's not the greatest thing I've ever seen but I see no reason to call it terrible. I would just say keep working so you can get even better.

[FunknPunk]

Must I lack in nights weary embrace,
Willing though I might be.
Still, fond memory brings the light
Of past days around me.
The warm breeze, and friends so linked together.
The words of love once spoken.


For clarification; this is a POEM, yes? not lyrics?
therefore (to the other critiquers), it doesn't have to rhyme. fyi.

okay.
so i'm a bit unclear on the situation the subject is in. It seems at first that he is rather willing to be so vacant at "night." But then, it seems that he rather enjoys the memories of his past friendship, nay, love? I'm just a bit confused. But then, i also may be a bit thick. Explain...?

Must I lack in nights weary embrace,
Willing though I might be.

i like the use of lack. The common definition is to be without, but i always prefer it as a "to be wanting of something" definition--which i is how you used the word (though i may be wrong. Also, to the grammar junkies (whom i am not.), isn't it... nights'? Grammatically theres something wrong, i just don't know exactly.

Still, fond memory brings the light
Of past days around me.

like i said before, i'm still unsure about the subjects's situation. Is he happy enough without the fond memories, or does he WANT the memories? Or, do these memories just come wihout his control? (or her control...gotta be P.C. here)

The warm breeze, and friends so linked together.
The words of love once spoken.

ah, i like this. the only reservations that i have for it is "warm." What are you contrasting it to? If i try REALLY hard, i can make a parallel with perhaps the "cold" night, or the "cold" feelings... but it's a stretch. HOWEVER, i'm not saying make it BLINDINGLY obvious, but maybe make it a bit more blatant. right now, to me, it seems to be just hanging there.

I like it all, man. i think that it's very important that you can say so much in so few lines; i'm not especially a fan of the long-winded, explain-everything approach, and i think you certainly were succesful in your imagery. The trouble with such short narratives like this is the fact that while you know what you;re thinking, and parallels that may be obvious to YOU, those idas may not be coming out to the audience exactly how you want them to be.

and, uhm. even though i LOATHE the idea of "crit-for-crit".. maybe check out my piece. My Heroine. or not, either way.

[Nightvision]

This wasn't too bad, although you seemed to be trying too hard to impress with this, and the first line was an indicator in this. Whilst it all looks very pretty, I'm not sure how one can "lack in night's weary embrace", or even why night's embrace is weary. I'm sure you have answers to these, but they're not in your piece, and the gaps are too large for the reader to fill themselves.

Also, your punctuation is a little off - "The warm breeze, and friends so linked together." as a sentence makes little sense - this might be due to an edit you've made, and missed this part. I'm forever doing that. Either way, you either need to remove the comma and be stating that the warm breeze and friends are linked, in which case I'd like to see you elaborate, or you need to look at revising the line.

This is a fairly promising piece, but you need to try and make sure things are making sense before making sure they look good. :)

Just my 0.002.

[TheBigMachine]

For clarification; this is a POEM, yes? not lyrics?
therefore (to the other critiquers), it doesn't have to rhyme. fyi.

Lyrics don't have to rhyme either. UNOMAS didnt mention rhymes, and all I did was complement them. Just so you dont sound like an arse, make sure you read. fyi.

[Nightvision]

hear, hear.