"553046400" (Experimenting)

[Grumpy the Cat]

This is something I've never tried before. I know this will definitely be something a lot of you won't write, but I basically tried stream-of-consciousness poetry. It's more loosely defined than most poems I write but none of it is gibberish; it all has a meaning and it's all connected by a general thesis. I'd just like to see what everyone thinks.

"553045400"

It's 1:26 AM and this is all we are our spines are notebook spines noting notes we don't know care why is my head just The Death of a Salseman King Arthur Shakespeare why is our head just letters and numbers and lines depicting we don't understand It's 1:28 AM our hearts are driving to your house in the dark car crashes and friends' funerals complimenting clothes what is this about my eyes are seeing you my fingers can't feel you and I don't know who you are nor do I know care why It's 1:29 AM and this is all we are I don't know when will you take off this mask and let me see your face this doesn't make sense It's 1:30 AM if we die tomorrow what do we do tonight rip out our heart paralyze our spine turn the barrel up and shoot through our head and take off that ****ing mask I don't know care why I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know This is not making any sense It's 1:30 AM and this is my burning out I threw it away because there is nothing profound to say if we die tomorrow what do we do tonight?

[Surf]

...
great, now make it into poetry.
this is not poetry.
this is more akin to prose, and bad prose at that.

the problem with this kind of writing is that is it very dull to read. two and a half lines of 'i don't know' do not artistic merit make.

basically, what i'm saying is give it some semblance of structure, verses, line breaks, some thing at least to show that you've read this over yourself.

[UNOMAS]

not sure I follow all of it...but i can't help but liking it, if only because its a very interesting read

[Grumpy the Cat]

...
great, now make it into poetry.
this is not poetry.
this is more akin to prose, and bad prose at that.

the problem with this kind of writing is that is it very dull to read. two and a half lines of 'i don't know' do not artistic merit make.

basically, what i'm saying is give it some semblance of structure, verses, line breaks, some thing at least to show that you've read this over yourself.
I'm not that bothered by your opinion but I just want to point out what you're basically saying is arbitrarily arranging words into a predetermined shell of verses and choruses is more artistic then expressing your thoughts in the way you feel they need to be expressed. If that's so then you and I have very different concepts of what art is. Why don't you move on to telling college professors all over the country how William Carlos Williams and E. E. Cummings have no artistic merit?

[Surf]

sorry if i was harsh, i wasn't trying to insult.

i was trying to convey the idea that this appears to be just exactly what was in your head, written straight down on the paper. now this is a great technique (i use it myself) but it works best when you look over it and try and arrange you thoughts into legitimate verse. when writing in a stream of consciousness fashion i always find that the ideas are there, but are too raw to make much sense. if edited/arranged then you are able to get much more from them. take for example line breaks or metaphors. once you review your work you can start applying these devices properly and as such garner much more from what you have written.

i did not imply that either of those two people had no artistic merit, nor that free-writing in general did, merely that two and a half lines of 'i don't know' don't have much artistic merit. if you wrote those in any form i would tell you the same, i just wanted to include some contextual criticism as apposed to criticizing the method.

arbitrarily arranging words into a predetermined shell of verses and choruses is more artistic then expressing your thoughts in the way you feel they need to be expressed

arranging words into some sort of structure can heighten artistic value. if i were to write out 'the hollow men' on one line, or in one long paragraph, would it be as effective? no, the line breaks and structure lend ideas and concepts to it that would otherwise be lost.

[TheOpeningAct101]

personally... i think this is ine of the best things ive read in awhile... i like the idea and it seems to work well. and i disagree completly that it needs structure. if this works for you and you can express yourself this way then go for it. you could almost say that the lack of structure is a "symbol" of your confusion. i love it when people do that. they not only use words to convey the feeling of the piece but they use the visual and structural aspects of the pice as well. i love it, good job.

check out my starter... Untitled (Critq fro Critq) and tell me what you like/dislike.

[LittlePound]

I liked it. I liked the idea of random chaos that it brought to me. It was almost a frantic, and yet mellow attitude that was conveyed.
You could kind of compromise between your idea and surf's and at least try to add verse and meter to it, then decide which one of two you like best. You may surprise yourself and express the concepts in a better, it never hurts to try.

[Bub]

The majority of it was, in my opinion, nothing short of ****e, and I kinda question you when you say that this is more artistic than arranging and structuring and thinking about a poem. Its the verbal form of setting fire to paper and calling it modern art.

If anything, this is more useful as an exercise. This bit is interesting:
"our hearts are driving to your house in the dark car crashes and friends' funerals complimenting clothes"
Could be salvaged, modified, and put to a much better use though.

Some stream of consciousness poems work - when a writer sits down and thinks about a subject. This reads like you sat in your room with your trousers at your ankles

[Grumpy the Cat]

I love getting mixed reactions. I appreciate the responses either way, and no hard feelings if I disagree with you like in Surf's case.

The problem is that this is probably going into another project I'm about to try which is to take a bunch of poems that I wrote with no idea of what I wanted the music to sound like and write songs around them, this is the complete opposite of how I usually write but I feel it gives me way more room to try things that I couldn't do normally. However this piece will probably lose a lot of the feel when arranged into a song.

[Minus The Flair]

I think I'm on the side that doesn't like this. It seems like the sort of thing I'd do, just let my pen run almost unconciously, and when I stop, see if I've come up with some good ideas. Which this has, there are some good ideas here, but if you don't want in a structure or revised into a song/poem that's up to you. But even if you don't use line breaks, I'd like to see some punctuation. It could be a personal thing, maybe you didn't use punctuation to express the chaotic/unconcious mood but I prefer to know what/how I'm meant to be reading.

[Grumpy the Cat]

Just for the hell of it, this is how it was originally arranged. I actually changed it to make it look the way it is at the top.

It's 1:26 AM and this is all we are
Our spines are notebook spines noting notes
We don't know care why
Is my head just The Death of a Salseman
King Arthur
Shakespeare?
Why is our head just letters and numbers and lines depicting
"we don't understand"?

It's 1:28 AM
Our hearts are driving to your house in the dark
Car crashes and friends' funerals
Complimenting clothes
What is this about?
My eyes are seeing you
My fingers can't feel you
And I don't know who you are
Nor do I know care why

It's 1:29 AM and this is all we are
I don't know
When will you take off this mask and let me see your face?
This doesn't make sense

It's 1:30 AM
If we die tomorrow what do we do tonight?
Rip out our heart
Paralyze our spine
Turn the barrel up and shoot through our head
And take off that ****ing mask
I don't know care why
I don't know I don't know I don't know
I don't know I don't know I don't know
I don't know I don't know I don't know
I don't know I don't know I don't know
I don't know I don't know
This is not making any sense

It's 1:30 AM and This Is My Burning Out
I threw it away because There Is Nothing Profound to Say
If we die tomorrow what do we do tonight?

[Bub]

This pleases the eyes.

Still the "i don't know" repetition is a terrible terrible waste, in my opinion. Especially as that "stanza" was so promising, beforehand. Arranged like this, the last stanza has so much more power than before, and the line breaks act as punctuation and dictate how it should be read.

This is better than before

[TojesDolan]

use a more descriptive way towards hours... say "2 minutes 'til half an hour" or something-

[slack]

i don't even care about it's structure or lack thereof. it just felt very grandiose and pretentious, like you were looking at the clock on your computer one night and typed any bullshit that crossed your mind.

i wouldn't be suprised if the books/authors you referenced had no particular reason to be included, but were because they just happened to be lying around.

i don't mean to sound overly harsh; it's just what this piece made me think of. when i read something it either feels genuine or it doesn't.

don't scrap it because there's some good stuff there. having said that, it reads like a first draft, so i suggest revising.

[FA]

annoying read

[Grumpy the Cat]

i don't even care about it's structure or lack thereof. it just felt very grandiose and pretentious, like you were looking at the clock on your computer one night and typed any bullshit that crossed your mind.

i wouldn't be suprised if the books/authors you referenced had no particular reason to be included, but were because they just happened to be lying around.

i don't mean to sound overly harsh; it's just what this piece made me think of. when i read something it either feels genuine or it doesn't.

don't scrap it because there's some good stuff there. having said that, it reads like a first draft, so i suggest revising.

Just to address one particular thing, the books/authors were referenced because they are all common highschool curricula. I'm not really phased by the fact that you don't understand it because I don't like to make things that are really easy to figure out, but there's really nothing in it that's just "random bull****."

[class]

K Gerard Way

[sexymuffin]

I LEYYYIVE TO LOVE YOUUU

[class]

I LEYYYIVE TO LOVE YOUUU

[Grumpy the Cat]

That video is awesome.

I'd be interested to hear what you consider to be acceptable music DMD. We might like some similar things. My taste in music is not actually that close to the way you've characterised it.

Edit: "I live to love you" is an anagram.

[class]

name 4 bands you're digging right NOW

and 4 bands you've been into for a while

[sexymuffin]

That video is awesome.

I'd be interested to hear what you consider to be acceptable music DMD. We might like some similar things. My taste in music is not actually that close to the way you've characterised it.

i doubt you and dmd will get along in the music department

see: thursday shirt, your lyrics, etc

[Grumpy the Cat]

What is this, the Spanish inquisition? I don't mind though.

I'll admit I like Thursday.
The Blood Brothers
Neutral Milk Hotel
Death From Above 1979

[sexymuffin]

What is this, the Spanish inquisition? I don't mind though.

I'll admit I like Thursday.
The Blood Brothers
Neutral Milk Hotel
Death From Above 1979

i actually had a discussion with a young fellow about how your voice is best compared to a mix between jeff magnum and a dyin cat and he agreed.

so now we know where that came from.

[class]

1 Lilys 272
5 Ryan Adams 143
13 Yo La Tengo 103
14 The Velvet Underground 101
15 Whiskeytown 98
22 Red House Painters 81
24 J Dilla 78
27 Midlake 77
28 Sebadoh 76
30 Sufjan Stevens 70
31 Sly & The Family Stone 66
33 Califone 65
35 Xiu Xiu 60
39 Woven Hand 55

k

edit: wow two MCR burns in one thread...nice

[Grumpy the Cat]

an anagram of what?

anyway if I must post my last.fm, then I must

1 Lilys 272
2 Ween 156
3 Prince 147
4 Converge 145
5 Ryan Adams 143
6 Radiohead 129
7 Guided by Voices 128
8 Prefab Sprout 126
9 The Durutti Column 120
10 Disco Inferno 117
11 Destroyer 111
12 A Tribe Called Quest 105
13 Yo La Tengo 103
14 The Velvet Underground 101
15 Whiskeytown 98
16 Slum Village 96
17 Pavement 90
18 R.E.M. 85
19 Jay-Z 83
20 The Chameleons 82
20 The National 82
22 Red House Painters 81
23 Scrawl 80
24 Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers 78
24 J Dilla 78
24 The Scruffs 78
27 Midlake 77
28 Sebadoh 76
29 White Whale 73
30 Sufjan Stevens 70
31 the Frogs 66
31 Sly & The Family Stone 66
33 Califone 65
34 Portrait 62
35 Xiu Xiu 60
36 Screeching Weasel 57
36 My Bloody Valentine 57
36 The Brian Jonestown Massacre 57
39 Idlewild 55
39 Woven Hand 55
39 Longmont Potion Castle 55
39 Suede 55
43 Film School 53
44 His Name Is Alive 51
45 Low 50
46 Jorge Ben 49
46 Idaho 49
48 Figurines 48
49 10,000 Maniacs 47
50 Lamb 46

Didn't Longmont Potion Castle do a split with Hatebeek? And you expect me to take this seriously? The only thing remotely interesting is Sufjan Stevens.

The rest of it is either cliche like Radiohead or just hipster bullshit like Xiu Xiu.

[sexymuffin]

Didn't Longmont Potion Castle do a split with Hatebeek? And you expect me to take this seriously? The only thing remotely interesting is Sufjan Stevens.

The rest of it is either cliche like Radiohead or just hipster bullpoop like Xiu Xiu.

lmao just because you haven't heard of half of them

[class]

radiohead blows...sorry you fans

but don't diss xiu xiu Gerrard

[sexymuffin]

radiohead blows...sorry you fans


tbh this is false :/

[class]

sorry muff

dee em shh

[Grumpy the Cat]

2/4 and it's obvious which ones

now just admit your My Chemical Romance adoration and we'll be square.

Which ones are obvious? I have a video of me playing "Two Headed Boy" in the same Thursday shirt. And why would I like My Chemical Romance if my music sounds like a Silversteen rip off? Have you ever met someone who liked both of those bands?

Here's more bands for you to criticize. Try and figure out which ones I'm "lying" about.

Bear Vs Shark
The Number 12 Looks Like You
The Dresden Dolls
Neon Blonde
The Dillinger Escape Plan
Foxy Shazam
MSTRKRFT
Rage Against the Machine

[Ando!]

This song demonstrates mastery of failure.

[Walrus James]

Which ones are obvious? I have a video of me playing "Two Headed Boy" in the same Thursday shirt. And why would I like My Chemical Romance if my music sounds like a Silversteen rip off? Have you ever met someone who liked both of those bands?





R
O
F
L

[Ando!]

Which ones are obvious? I have a video of me playing "Two Headed Boy" in the same Thursday shirt. And why would I like My Chemical Romance if my music sounds like a Silversteen rip off? Have you ever met someone who liked both of those bands?

Here's more bands for you to criticize. Try and figure out which ones I'm "lying" about.

Bear Vs Shark
The Number 12 Looks Like You
The Dresden Dolls
Neon Blonde
The Dillinger Escape Plan
Foxy Shazam
MSTRKRFT
Rage Against the Machine

Stop litening to such bad bands

surely you must like the yngwie or ultra shreedd

[Camikaze]

Even though some won't agree, I think Thursday has some merit. I like Full Collapse alot, and War All the Time has some good stuff. Oh, and Bear vs. Shark and Dillinger are good.

[TojesDolan]

Oh for ****'s sakes there's a community thread to discuss your tastes, young men.

This has nothing to with what he writes.